Breath caught in her throat. So far, she had felt no such key. It was another rejection. First the vault. Now this.
“Isla,” he said, coming to stand in front of her. “What’s wrong?”
“You don’t get it,” she said quickly. “Control was probably easy for you. You never knew what it was like to bealonein your incompetence, to not be in total and complete control of—”
“I killed someone,” he said, and his voice was so serious, she tensed. “By accident, with my abilities. When I was a child.”
“What?”
“Power usually develops later in life, but I set my crib aflame when I was just a few months old. My mother found me sitting in the center of the flames, just staring at her. They were forced to train me as soon as possible, as they feared I would destroy the castle with a tantrum. I was far stronger than I was supposed to be, as a second child.”
“Stronger than Egan,” she said, speaking his brother’s name. The former king, who had sacrificed himself, along with all other rulers, for the chance of a future.
Oro nodded. “I was sent to the isles every few years, to master each ability. Control was the first lesson I ever learned as a child. Control your emotions, or you could bring the palace down. Control your heart, because allowing anyone access to that power would be ruinous. Control your tongue, because you are not the firstborn, and your opinions don’t matter.”
Isla’s heart broke for the little boy Oro had once been. She took his hand.
“I did all of it,” he said, staring at the ground. “There was another ability, though, that hadn’t manifested in centuries.” His eyes met hers. “Since I didn’t know about it, I couldn’t control it. I had been playing with my friends, having too much fun, and, before I knew what was happening, I turned an attendant to solid gold.” His voice had become lifeless. The mistake still seemed to haunt him, centuries later.
Isla couldn’t imagine the pain. If she killed an innocent person by accident, because of her lack of control, she would never be able to forgive herself.
“I felt such guilt and shame, even as my parents celebrated my power. The only thing that got me through my training were the people I met. I had—I have—really good friends.”
He did? Isla felt ashamed that she had never even asked him much about his life before the curses.
“For years, I didn’t wield,” he said. “I was ashamed of my abilities. The guilt ate at me. I hated myself for a long time.”
Tears stung her eyes. He couldn’t know how similar she felt now, for different reasons.
“It was only after I was able to forgive myself for the mistake I made as a child that I could start living again.” His thumb grazed the back of her hand. “You will get this, Isla,” he said. “It might not be today, or tomorrow, but I will be here with you until you do. You are not alone.”
You are not alone.
It was early the next morning when she snuck out of the Place of Mirrors, shoes crunching on the leftover glass on the floor.
She took the rock to the edge of the isle. Legs hanging, she watched the sun climb from the horizon like a phoenix, dying every day, only to rise again.
She closed her eyes.
For once, instead of trying to keep everything down, Isla dared her mind to do its worst, and it did. Her pain came flooding through the walls she had put up, and it hurt,it hurt so much,but it was almost a relief to have her emotions spilling out of her, instead of keeping them all pressed down.
She thought about her parents. Born enemies. A Wildling and a Nightshade. Life and death. They really must have loved each other, she thought, to not only get together ... but also have a child.
Would they be ashamed of her? Would they think her weak?
She allowed herself to grieve the little girl who had grown up locked away like a secret. The one who had bled countless times to be the best possible warrior. Terra had taken the approach of breaking her first, so that the world would not. All she had ever wanted was to be accepted. To be good enough. To beloved—
It had made her the perfect person for Celeste—Aurora—to target and take advantage of. That name in her thoughts made her ache. Herfriend. She had been her best friend.
Finally ... she thought of him.Grim.
The memories were like pulling the stitches of a wound, making it bleed again.
After hours of letting her thoughts go wild, Isla took a breath and began to forgive herself for some of her mistakes. She pictured the little girl, sitting alone in her room, and thought,She doesn’t deserve this.
When she focused on the rock again, she realized that besides her crown, her powers were the only thing that connected her to her ancestors. To hermother.
She closed her eyes and found the incessant, anxious, cruel thoughts weren’t so strong anymore, as if letting them run wild had caused them to lose their energy.
