There’s usually a circle of adoring men around me while I shove salad into my mouth, so it’s not like your protégé would have made me feel uncomfortable.
Also—who refers to another person as their protégé?
Maybe he just thinks of you as an old guy who needs some company.
TO: BERNADETTE FARMER
FROM: MATT MCGOVERN (personal)
Subject: I…
Deeply regret emailing you.
TO: MATT MCGOVERN (personal)
FROM: BERNADETTE FARMER
Subject: I deeply regret not running away when I saw you
Also—maybe I would have liked to get to know your so-called protégé. He was cute. If you were really trying to protect me from him, then maybe you should have waited for a sign from me that I needed to be protected from him.
TO: BERNADETTE FARMER
FROM: MATT MCGOVERN (personal)
Subject: I think I’m the one who needs protection
From your emails.
If you would like Lloyd’s number, or would like me to pass along your email address to him, it would be my great joy to make the connection for you.
He is a very bright young computer engineer. Despite his charmingly nerdy façade, his favorite music is hardcore techno, he is an enthusiastic user and lender of Adderall, and in his free time he enjoys wearing eyeliner and going to raves. The last girl he dated broke up with him because he has screaming fits in his sleep and kept giving her hickies.
You guys would make a super cute couple.
TO: MATT MCGOVERN (personal)
FROM: BERNADETTE FARMER
Subject: I deeply regret responding to your email
I get no response after that. I keep checking my phone every ten seconds for the next half hour, while trying to itemize Sebastian’s receipts. I don’t know if I’m mad at him for abruptly ending our back-and-forth email conversation, or at myself for being so mad at him for abruptly ending our back-and-forth email conversation.
I decide that I’m mad at him, for forcing me to send him another email in response to his lack of response.
TO: MATT MCGOVERN (personal)
FROM: BERNADETTE FARMER
Subject: RUDE
TO: BERNADETTE FARMER
FROM: MATT MCGOVERN (personal)
