‘You’re not the stupid one,’ she told him, vowing to get through whatever this was with her pride intact, even if it killed her. ‘I am.’In so many ways.‘And if anyone deserves an apology, it’s you. I got it all wrong. I was totally misguided to think I was in love with you, and you me. I see now that I created this idiotic fantasy with you at the heart of it. I was trying to create the family I never had. I was trying to fix something in me that I believed was broken.’
‘Broken?’ he echoed in disbelief. ‘There’s nothing broken about you.’
‘I know that now,’ she agreed. ‘And a lot more besides. I’m appalled that I let my emotions get the better of me, not once, not twice, but on a number of occasions, when that was never part of the deal. I realise I haven’t been the wife you need lately and I’m aware we can’t divorce, but I promise I’ll work on my self-control. I’ll stick to the page you’re on like glue. I’m totally over whatever madness took hold of me. I’ll keep what this relationship is at the forefront of my mind at all times. It’ll be nothing but duty, duty, duty from here on in.’
‘Well, that’s inconvenient.’
She frowned. ‘Why?’
‘Because I’m not just here to issue you an apology. I’m also here to tell you that I love you.’
She blinked. Her pulse spiked. Her breath stuck in her lungs all over again. ‘What?’ she managed as her head began to spin.
‘I love you.’
‘No,’ she said, clinging to her defences with everything she had. ‘You don’t. You made that exceptionally clear the other night.’
‘I didn’t mean a word of it.’
‘You sounded as though you did.’
With a flinch he yanked his hands out of his pockets to shove them through his hair and then scrubbed them over his face. ‘I thought I did at the time,’ he said, beginning to pace around the spot where they’d picnicked. ‘But I was wrong. I’m so in love with you I can’t think straight. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m just about holding it together, but it won’t be long before I bring down the monarchy single-handedly.’
‘I see. You need my help.’
He stopped abruptly gave his head a sharp, decisive shake. ‘No. That’s not it at all. Hear me out. Please. Even though I know I don’t deserve it.’ His gaze burned into hers, and she couldn’t avert hers, no matter how much she wanted to because it hurt so damn much to look at him. ‘I needyou, Sofia. And not because of the kingdom or the constitution or anything else related to my position. But for me. Just me. That’s what I’ve been struggling with. You turned me inside out. You had me wishing for impossible things and abandoning principles I’ve lived my whole life by. I was brought up to believe that a royal marriage is not supposed to be that way. That a dedication to duty necessarily precludes love. On a personal level I’ve always been convinced that love was for the weak, that it would render me vulnerable and open to exploitation. My heart isn’t hard. It’s as soft as a marshmallow. I had to protect it. Telling myself I neither needed nor wanted love became a habit. But I think, deep down, I’ve yearned for it for years. You’re not the only one who’s been lonely. I suspect that’s why I put off finding a wife for so long. It wasn’t a question of busyness. I was waiting for you. Realising that was terrifying and, once again, I didn’t handle it well. You were right to call me out on it. You were right about everything. Not least my mother’s feelings for my father. That’s another piece of history I will not allow to be repeated.’
‘You asked her?’
‘Yes. She confirmed what you’d said and then she pointed out all the other things I haven’t wanted to acknowledge. For nearly thirty-five years I’ve had a one-track mind. I’ve been obsessed with the idea that success in the job necessitates selflessness and the sacrificial suppression of feelings. But not any longer. I love you. I want to share everything with you. With us both at the helm the country will thrive. I know it will.’ He drew in a deep, shuddering breath, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he clearly swallowed hard. ‘Without you, though, I won’t. I might not even survive. I’m sorry it took so long for me to come to my senses. I’m more sorry than I can say for the cruelty I showed you the other night. You will never know how much I regret that. I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn your forgiveness if you’ll let me. I honestly don’t know what I will do if I’ve blown it for good. Have I?’
He stopped. Sofia reeled, beginning to shake with the force of the emotions she so badly wanted to let loose, yet couldn’t. She was desperate to believe he meant what he was saying, but something held her back, and she was done with ignoring caution. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, her throat tight with the swirling emotions she was trying so hard to contain. ‘I emptied my soul to you and you crushed it. You broke my heart. What if it happens again?’
‘It won’t.’
‘I wish I could take that risk.’
‘You can,’ he said, buffeting her with conviction that she wished she could embrace. ‘I promise. Take it. Take it with me.’
‘But you’ll never put me first,’ she said wretchedly. ‘And I know I shouldn’t expect you to. I understand that the country has to be your number one priority. But no one ever has ever put me first, and if I let myself care and you aren’t able to do that, it might well destroy me.’
He stilled. He looked her steadily, thoughtfully, for several long thundering seconds, then took a step towards her. She tried to take one back so she could breathe air that wasn’t filled with his scent but somehow the tree was behind her. ‘Do you know where I’m supposed to be right now?’
What? Given her access to his schedule, she probably ought to. But her brain didn’t seem to be working. Nothing seemed to be working. ‘No.’
‘Munich. At a conference on renewable energy, which, as you know, is something I feel really quite strongly about. I’m the keynote speaker. Or at least I was. The minute I realised how I felt about you I had to come and tell you, so I sent my mother to deliver my speech instead. You’re more important to me than anything, Sofia. Even duty. Which is something I’m still trying to get my head around. But what I do know is that I’llalwaysput you first. I can no longer imagine doing anything else. It simply won’t be possible.’
Sofia’s head swam and her heart banged against her ribs. ‘Is that true?’ she said, her voice little more than a hoarse, strangled whisper.
‘Have I ever lied to you?’
He hadn’t. Not once. Not even when decimating her heart in his study. ‘No.’
‘And I don’t intend to start now. Or ever.’
Which meant what? That she could believe him? That she was as important to him as he was to her? God, how she wanted that to be the case.
‘So what do you think?’ he asked intensely, as if her answer was the only thing in the world he wanted to hear. ‘Are you really over me? Am I really just a fantasy? Have I killed your feelings for me permanently? Or will you take pity on me and give me a second chance?’
