“I guess I owe you an apology too,” Taylor said, laughing humorlessly. He didn’t like where this was going but he had committed to this session. As painful as it was, he had no choice but to see this through.
“For what?” he rasped.
“I’ve been blaming you for something that happened for so long and it wasn’t your fault at all. But my stupid brain and heart were too hurt to do anything other than attach the blame to you as a way of protecting myself. It made mehateyou, which was so much easier. If I hated you then I wouldn’t hurt anymore, I wouldn’t miss you…” she trailed off and silence filled the office.
His heart pounded so loudly in his chest that he was convinced they would hear it.
“What was it, Taylor?” Justine prompted when she didn’t elaborate.
Taylor shook her head, a tear slipping down her cheek, that tear flayed him.
“I can’t,” she whispered.
Justine took control again. “Taylor, I think in order for you to move on, for both of you to move forward and start with a clean slate, you need to be honest. It’s just us here, we both care about you, you’re safe here.”
Beau swallowed thickly, not sure if he could take much more. He reached out a shaky hand to take hers and this time she let him.
“I was so upset and wasn’t thinking straight, contraception didn’t even occur to me. I got pregnant but I couldn’t keep it. You have to understand, I was just a kid. So I had an abortion.”
Whatever he had been prepared for, it wasn’t that. His stomach contracted and goosebumps mottled his skin, tears pricking the backs of his eyes.
“My womb got damaged in the process and then I got an infection, a really bad one. It’s not very common. I guess that was my punishment, huh? I was scared, too scared to tell anyone and to have to explain what had happened so I hid it. It got worse, until I couldn’t cope anymore. I finally went to the doctor, but it was too late. They couldn’t get it under control and the damage was too severe. I had to have a total hysterectomy and now I can’t have my own kids,” she said the last on a gasp and out of the corner of his eye, Beau saw Justine’s hand grip her stomach.
“And you weren’t there Beau, you left me. Youabandonedme when I needed you most,” she whispered, shaking her head, her tears falling like rain. He felt his own slip down his cheeks.
“I know,” was all he could say.
“You left me all alone, Beau.” She was sobbing, huge gut-wrenching sobs that he had never seen before. He didn’t know what else to do to make the pain go away, so he pulled her into his lap.
He rocked her back and forth and let her cry it out, just repeating over and over again how sorry he was. He would never forgive himself for abandoning her. No wonder she hated him, he fucking hated himself right now.
He’d been upset because she’d hurt his pride and rejected him, which she actually hadn’t done at all. He was the biggest piece of shit. He didn’t need her apology, didn’t damn well deserve it. He buried his face in her neck and cried for his guilt and what she’d lost, what they’d both lost all these years.
“I’ll never leave you again.”
*
When her sobs finally subsided, exhaustion swept in to claim her, but she also had a sense of calm she hadn’t felt before. Taylor had told her story, toldhimher story. It was out, and no longer bottled up inside her and festering away. It was devastating to face it head-on, but cathartic too. She felt safe cocooned in his arms and was reluctant to move but she made herself. She pulled back, his t-shirt damp with tears and very likely snot. She had never been a pretty crier.
“Sorry,” she mumbled.
“Do not apologize to me,” he rasped. He had cried too. His emotion had astonished her.
“Well, I’m not going to lie to you both, I was not prepared for that,” Justine said, breaking the spell. Taylor scrambled off Beau’s lap, immediately missing his warmth. She untangled their fingers and folded her hands in her lap.
“I’m sorry for what you’ve lost,” Justine added with a pointed look at Taylor. “Both of you,” as her eyes then flicked to Beau. “It sounds like there’s a lot of hurt here caused by misunderstandings that have gone on too long, and it’s torn you away from each other for nearly two decades.”
Beau stood up abruptly and went to look out the window, his hands on his hips as he faced away from them. Despite his relaxed pose, the rigid set of his shoulders gave him away.
“Thank you both for sharing your hurt. It might not feel like it, but it was a good thing. You understand now what went wrong between you. There was nothing malicious in it, it was just a sad incident that spiraled. What you need to decide now is if you can move forward from this. Taylor, what do you think?” Justine said.
Taylor glared at her, hating that she had to go first. Her eyes swung to Beau who was still staring out the window, his shoulders hunched, his back tensed.
She put on her big girl panties. “We need this fake couple thing to work. I need Dale gone so I can move on with life so I guess I want to work on this.”
“And you, Beau?” Justine asked.
“I’ll do whatever you need me to do, Taylor,” he said, still not facing her.
