But we weren’t going to do anything untilhisparents were in bed—so, as planned, we went to see a movie. I was paranoid and nervous, worried I might run into my mom and dad or even someone they knew, but everything was fine. Still, I couldn’t really focus on the movie and I hardly ate any of the popcorn in the bucket we shared. By then, though, my nerves were just about what was going to happen later that night. Emma had told me it hurt but it wasn’t horrible. My mother, on the other hand, when she’d actually bothered to talk to me about it, had told me it was the worst pain she’d ever felt up to that point—only to be outdone by the pain of childbirth. If anyone had influenced me to stay a virgin, it hadn’t just been my focus on the future. My mother had added plenty of fear on top of it.
But now that I had admitted to myself just how much Jason meant to me, I wanted my first time to be with him. The back of my mind also wanted him to be the one and only forever, but I wasn’t yet sure how to accomplish that.
four
. . .
My bodynearly buzzed with anticipation as the moment I would become a woman drew near.
Finally, the movie was over but, when we left, he said we needed to give his parents a little longer. His kid sister would probably already be asleep but, if not, she’d be playing video games in her room. Even his parents wouldn’t be an issue once we got inside. Jason’s room was downstairs in the basement while everyone else was upstairs. We just had to get inside.
So we made out in the back of his car until then.
Jason’s kiss always lit up my brain and made the blood in my veins rush faster, and tonight was no different. And this time when he slid his hand under my shirt, I didn’t stop him. And his gentle touch against my breast, even through the fabric of my bra, heated me up, making me eager for more.
He whispered in my ear. “Are you ready?” Ipulled back to see his face and, even in the dimness of the car, I could make out the eagerness in his eyes. “I think we could get away with sneaking in now.”
“Okay.” Grabbing my purse and the overnight tote, I slid on the seat, following him out of the car. When I took his hand, it felt like electricity was flowing from his hand into my body.
Quietly, we walked up the sidewalk to the front of the house where the light burned brightly. For the most part, the lights were off inside, except for what looked like a lamp in the living room near the window. Jason’s voice was soft when he turned to me after inserting the key in the door. “I’ll go in first, just to make sure everyone’s in bed. Stay here for just a sec.” After stepping inside, it wasn’t long before he turned to me and nodded, taking my hand again, leading me inside. I could barely hear him when he asked, “Do you want me to carry any of that?”
I shook my head, gripping the straps of my purse and bag as if they were saving me from going off the edge of a cliff. Jason walked softly over the carpeted area, switching off the lamp. Then, turning on the flashlight on his phone, he led us down the hall toward the back of the house. Even though I’d only visited here a few times, I knew the layout. Where we were right now was the most dangerous spot, with the bedrooms just to the left and the kitchen—and the door to Jason’s bedroom downstairs—were just ahead.
Almost to the kitchen, we heard a voice. “Jason, is that you?”
My entire body stiffened as Jason tried to nudge me outof the living room. He said, still not too loudly, “Yeah. I’m heading to bed.”
“Good night.”
“Night, mom.”
Now, Jason took my hand and we rushed through the kitchen. The light didn’t help much now that we were hurrying, and I bumped into a chair at the table. Jason snickered softly, and I couldn’t decide if I thought it was funny too or irritating. It didn’t hurt but it was another noise that could lead to our getting caught.
But we made it to the basement door and, as soon as we were behind it, my heightened senses relaxed.
Jason flipped on a light switch and then he walked down the stairs just in front of me. I didn’t know what to expect but all that was there was one room, his bedroom. There wasn’t a washer and dryer or a water heater or anything. And it wasn’t like his bedroom was big. “All that’s down here is your bedroom?”
“Yeah. Weird, huh? There’s, like, a crawl space behind that panel there,” he said, pointing to a wall, “if anyone needs to work on the pipes, but this is it. My dad said when they moved in here, it was, like, a cellar with shelves and there were all kinds of canning jars with pickles and beets and stuff. But there are only two bedrooms upstairs. When Jenny was a baby, her crib was in mom and dad’s bedroom and we shared a room when I was still little, but when I was in middle school, they asked if I wanted my room down here.”
“And you jumped on it.”
“Hell, no. It was creepy as fuck down here. But my dadand uncle did a lot of work down here and now it’s pretty nice.”
“Yeah, it is.” I looked around the space. It felt cozy and very much like Jason, and I was getting my first look at the one place in the world that belonged to him. There was one window behind a black curtain, and a desk beneath it with a laptop and a couple of textbooks. A guitar case was propped up against one wall. “Do you play?”
“Yeah, but I’m not as good as Jimmy and Mark.”
My nerves caused me to focus on everything except the one thing we’d come here to do, and I kept looking around the room. Over the bed was a blue neon sign with his name that looked pretty cool against the off-white wall and, on another wall, there was a poster of Slipknot. “How can you sleep with those guys looking down at you all creepy and stuff?” I said, a grin on my face.
“You get used to it.”
I supposed I was going to find out soon enough. He walked over to the bed and turned on a lamp on the nightstand before crossing the room again. Turning off the overhead light with a switch on the wall, he then looked at me as if he could devour me whole. His voice, however, was soft and sweet. “We can put your stuff over there,” he said, but I wasn’t sure where he meant. He took my purse and tote from me and placed them in the chair in front of the desk.
When he turned back to me, I could barely see the blue in his eyes, because the pupils had grown so large. I knew it wasn’t because of the dimmer lighting but because of the emotions running through his veins. Still, he held back.Cupping my cheeks, he gazed into my eyes. “You still okay with this?”
“Yes.”
“I have condoms.”
