Johan wiped at his eyes and nodded, wincing at the memory of how hands, which had only ever touched his face lovingly, were used to hurt him.
“I’m sorry he did that to you. It was wrong of him.” Henrik stared at him intently like he could will Johan to believe him.
“He didn’t… trust me.” Johan felt incredibly foolish for crying, but the tears bubbled out of him regardless.
“Elias… he only trusts in as far as he must in order to survive.” Henrik didn’t sound angry about it, he spoke evenly like he was just stating a fact to be considered. “Can you love him even if he never fully trusts you?”
The question startled Johan. “Loving him is not… hard.” Johan swallowed. “Trusting him, though…”
Henrik nodded his head in understanding. “I think… when you are betrayed by the two people in the world who should love you without exception, it alters you. He might never trust us like we could trust each other, but he will love us. Fiercely. That is enough for me, but it’s okay if it’s not for you.”
Johan didn’t have any answers right there and then, just a pit in his stomach that felt like a disease spreading around his insides. “He will… wake, won’t he?”
Henrik returned to stroking Elias’ hair before planting a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Sometimes it’s like our magic belongs to us, and other times, it’s like magic lets us borrow her. Elvish magic is supposed to be used for good. I don’t know if he just burned through too much, or if magic is punishing him for misusing her, but he’s breathing, and I have to believe that she will forgive him and bring him back to us. Elias told me once that the Gods owed him, and I need him to be right.”
They sat in silence for some time after that. Henrik appeared contemplative while a storm roiled inside Johan as he tried to untangle the mess of thoughts that plagued him. There were words stuck in his throat that he needed to get out but couldn’t. He needed to ask Henrik why he’d made a separate bed for him away from theirs. He needed to ask where he stood with Henrik if he couldn’t forgive Elias, if they couldn’t move past this. The words wouldn’t come, though.
For the first time in a long time, he took his frustrations out on himself. Anger burned through him, and Johan pulled his hair hard before groaning and punching himself to the side of his head.
When he tried to do it again, a firm hand gripped his wrist, stopping him. Johan’s breathing became erratic as all of his fears bubbled up to the surface and threatened to consume him.
Henrik was at his side, rubbing a hand up and down his back soothingly, but Johan didn’t deserve it.
“Shhhh. Shhh, it will be okay. Please don’t hurt yourself.”
Johan just shook his head because how could it be okay? None of this was okay. He tried to speak but nothing except a half-choked sound came up, and then he couldn’t feel anything but white, hot anger.
He stood and pulled at his hair again, welcoming the painful sting. Exasperated noises poured from his lips, all the while what he wanted to say was nowhere to be found. Johan kicked a nearby box, and it went flying across the room, knocking over some books that Henrik had carefully stacked.
Like a wild animal breaking free from a cage, Johan made for the door and dropped to his knees on the grass outside. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, panting and trying to calm down, but it began to rain heavily, and he still couldn’t move.
Johan stared up at the grey thunderclouds as rain poured from them in sheets, saturating him down to the bone, and asked the Gods, why?
Why do my words get stuck when I need them the most?
Why did you take from me the only people I ever had?
Are you going to take my new loves, too?
Thunder boomed above him in reply, and Johan wept.
All he’d wanted was to keep Henrik and Elias safe, and he had failed. Elias was unconscious, and if he didn’t wake up, Johan was certain that Henrik would follow.
He gasped for breaths as shivers wracked his body and the cold seeped into his bones.
Distantly, Johan could hear a voice calling his name, but it felt far away. Like when he’d been a child swimming in the river and his father would call him back for supper.
He looked over his shoulder towards the door of the cabin, Henrik stood there shivering and his lips were moving frantically. Johan tried to concentrate.
“Please, Johan. Please come back inside. You’re going to get sick. I can’t do this on my own, Elias needs us both and I’m scared. I’m scared, Johan. Please, please, please come back.”
Henrik was so frantic that Johan registered that he must have been shouting at him for a while with no response. He didn’twant to move. He wanted the ground to swallow him up, but their Gods hadn’t taken them yet, and his loves needed him. Johan was supposed to be the strong one, so he dragged himself to his feet and put one foot in front of the other until he made it back inside.
Henrik made a fuss, and his cheeks were wet with tears, but he undressed Johan, removing all his wet clothes before wrapping a blanket around him.
With nothing left to give, Johan stepped towards the tiny mattress because sleep felt like the only way to have a break from his own dark thoughts, but Henrik stopped him.
“Wait. Let me move the mattress. You are too small for that one, anyway. You were never supposed to sleep on it,” Henrik muttered.
