I press my lips tightly together, the words I’ve been told my whole life doing nothing to change what I know to be true.
Arthur notices my silence, perceptive as ever. “What is it? Please tell me, Charlotte. Please don’t keep yourself from me.”
“I do notwantto be beautiful,” I say at last, the truth escaping before I can pull it back again. I gasp at it, the inhale shuddering in my chest.
Arthur’s voice is quiet, barely there. “What?”
“This body is not mine, Arthur. It feels wrong on every level. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a person I’m not meant to be. I don’t know how to explain it rationally, for it makes no sense. But I’m stuck. I’m stuck, and I cannot get out.”
He’s quiet for a long moment, and I don’t dare meet his eye. I stare at where the water is pooling around my knees, sure these are my final moments with my husband. Arthur will demand our marriage be dissolved so he can finda proper wife. And it’s my own fault. It’s my own doing for not keeping my mouth closed as I should have.
I’ve tried so very hard to accept my lot in life. And finding Arthur has been a bright point. But I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting with myself every single day. Tired of being alone while I do it. I’d hoped marrying this man would settle me at last, for I love him as I have no other. The thought of losing him, of being apart, is a fierce ache in my chest I fear will never abate.
Yet my love doesn’t make me the woman Arthur deserves.
He said he does not fear my thorns. But surely,surely, this cut is a betrayal neither of us will come back from.
I hold myself still as Arthur reaches for me. His touch on my chin is gentle, his pull a request I cannot deny. I meet the amber-brown of his eyes, waiting for a blow that never comes.
“Who do you wish to be? If not beautiful, how is it you see yourself?”
My breath hitches. “Arthur…”
“Charlotte, I cannot judge you for what you’ve told me. I can’t tell you that you must be wrong. I do not know how you feel, but I want to understand it. I would give the world to see you happy. Truly happy. Will you let me try?”
His words are impossible, yet his eyes hold nothing but sincerity in their depths.
“Why?” I ask, my throat so tight it’s hard to speak.
“Because, Charlotte Valentine, you are my heart. If you are hurting, then so am I.”
“I thought…” My voice comes out so watery I have to try again. “I thought I’m a Kane now.”
Arthur’s lips tip into a gentle smile. “So you are. And I have vowed to love you through all of our trials and tribulations. I don’t plan on breakingthat promise now.”
“Art… I don’t deserve you.”
“Oh, I think we are very much deserving of each other, my love. Now, the water is cooling. Are you finished?”
I shake my head, sinking down to submerge my hair once more. Arthur watches me as I soap the strands, the scent of rosemary floating on the air. Once I’m done, he stands and holds out his hand. He helps me from the tub, wrapping a towel around me but affording me the courtesy of drying myself. I re-dress once done, and with a small, almost sad smile, Arthur opens the door.
I follow my husband into our chamber and sit in front of the vanity, my thoughts swirling. Without a word, Arthur steps up behind me and picks up my comb.
“May I?”
I nod, and, with gentle hands, Arthur proceeds to brush my hair.
“When you say this body is not your own…” He pauses, meeting my gaze in the glass. “What would you change to make it fit?”
I let out a slow breath, having contemplated that very thing innumerable times over my life. Putting it into words, however, acknowledging it when I never thought I’d be given that chance, is both frightening and exhilarating. Perhaps Arthur can see it in my eyes because he offers his own observation.
“Your breasts?”
I give a small nod, and he continues brushing my hair.
“Would you be rid of them?”
“Yes,” I admit at a whisper.
