“Back off?” The words dried my throat as they came out. Pinched my heart. “Devin, if you think he needs space away from me to process what happened, I will do that.”But I don’t want to. “If you think that’s best.” I couldn’t believe I was offering this up. Alex was his own man. Someone to make his own decisions. But I respected Devin and respected his role as Alex’s guardian.
Devin pulled his hand from the doorknob. “No. I’m not telling you to back off or stay away. I’m just telling you to slowthings down, okay?”
He left before I could give a response. Walking away from Alex made sense. Continuing on our path also made sense. But “slow things down”? What did he mean by that? How was I supposed to interpret that?
?
I knew Alex could tell something was off the second we stepped up to my front door. The sexual energy wafting off him was like heat from a furnace. All my desires burned for me to take that heat and let it wash over my naked body, to let him touch me again as he did the other night. Instead, I gave off cold energy, something icy that Devin had given to me.
We stepped inside my house. This would have been the moment where I would press my body against his, pin him to the door, and let my hands and lips say everything I’ve been holding in since we last did this. Instead, I stalked down the hall and went into the kitchen to grab some waters for us.
“So am I gonna have to pry it out of you?” Alex asked as I closed the fridge door.
“Pry what?” I asked and handed him the bottle. He took it and put it on the countertop between us.
“Something’s up. And it wasn’t your loss. I’ve learned enough about you to know that you’re still in a good headspace even after losing. So what’s up?”
“I…” I swallowed, dimmed my brow. I could—Iwouldfind the right words. “I spoke to your brother after the game.”
Alex’s beautiful face drained of color. “What the hell did Devin say to you?” He pulled his phone from his pocket and said, “No, don’t tell me. I’ll find out for myself.”
I craned my long arms across the counter and stayed his hand. “Please, don’t. He’s just being a good older brother, okay?I respect that. I respect him.”
The fire stayed in Alex’s eyes. “What did he tell you? Did he tell you about Ricky? He told you about Ricky.”
“Ricky?” I said and cocked my head. “Is… is that your ex? I didn’t know his name.”
Alex flinched. “Dammit. Yes. It’s Ricky. I’m trying not to use his name. What did he say?”
Ricky,I thought and turned the name over and over in my mind.MMA fighter in Boston. Ricky…
My mouth dropped open. “Alex, is your ex Ricky Jordan?” His face revealed the answer. My brow went up. “Your ex isthatRicky?”
I had been to a number of Ricky’s fights over the years, especially in Vegas. The man was a beast in the octagon, known for his ferocity and coldhearted, calculated hits. He was shorter than Alex but stacked like a bull and had a sharp but incredibly handsome face. He had a reputation for smack talking and being MMA’s “bad boy.” He had a girl on his arm before each match. I had always assumed…
I watched as Alex wilted on the stool as if all his energy drained from his body. I was beside him in a heartbeat, taking the stool next to him and propping him up.
“He’s been texting me,” Alex offered to me. “Asking…” He licked his lips. “Asking for me back. He’s got some kind of head injury that causes aggression. Said it’s why he… well…” Alex looked at me and it was like his irises were forged in guilt. “It’s been putting me on edge. I call Devin every time he contacts me.” He blinked and looked away. “And… and it… this sounds crazy, but it feels likecheatingon you every time I read one of his texts.” He laughed, something half-hearted, half-crazed. “Which is insanity because it isn’t like we’re…”
Alex growled out a frustrated noise. “No,” he continued, “that’s not what I meant. No, I… see, what I…”
I spun him on his stool so he fully faced me, then took his face in both my hands. “Tell me what you need to tell me, Alex. Just say everything as plain as day. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. But don’t torture yourself trying to find the right words. Just say them.”
I removed my hands and before I could put them in my lap, Alex grabbed both of them. “I’m falling for you big-time, Rome. We haven’t made anything official because it’s clear to me we’re on a course for something amazing and I have zero interest in keeping my options open and I know you feel the same. I never said anything about Ricky harassing me because I didn’t want to burden you with my past baggage that I was stupid enough to carry in the first place.” He took in a deep breath and barreled forward. “I haven’t blocked Ricky like my brother wants me to because there’s a piece of me thatdoesfeel sad and guilty. His head injury appears to be a legit thing. If he truly is apologizing to me for what he did, I won’t accept him back, but I feel like it’s the right thing to do, to let him apologize. Everyone’s got their demons.”
I lifted one of his hands and kissed the back of it. Opened his hand to kiss his palm. “Devin said you need time to process what Ricky did to you. I think he’s right. I think you’ve been distracted by us. That’s why you think those texts are harassment, when in reality, they’re reminders that you’re running from something you haven’t confronted.”
Alex’s mouth had been dropping the more I talked. “That… that was incredibly insightful.” He had reacted the same way when I judged him for hisMario Kartselection.
I kissed his palm again, smiled, and lowered his hand. “You need to confront those things, Alex. You can’t run from it. And I’m distracting you too much.” He started to speak but I talked over him. “I’m not breaking up with you. That’s crazy talk. What Iamdoing is making sure you focus on you.”
I pulled my phone from my pocket and thumbed the calendar. “Today is the nineteenth. The next four games are home games. Then on the twenty-fourth we fly to Jacksonville.”
Alex’s finger came beside mine as he pointed to the twenty-sixth. “Your flight back from Jacksonville. When you’re coming out to your teammates.”
I nodded and touched the twenty-seventh with my index finger and selected the option for a reminder. “Let’s have dinner. We can get caught up. I want to tell you all about how coming out went but I want you to report back on things, too. Okay?” He gave me a quizzical look. “You said check-ins are the best way to communicate. That’s what we need to do.” I saved the date and turned the screen off.
“I sense a ‘but’ in there,” Alex said.
