“And before you argue, do you know how many people have gone for a hike out here and turned up in bloody Aberdeen?”
“Considering it’s on the other side of the country, I’m going to hazard a guess and say none,” she shot out.
“At least one!” he retorted, and might have been lying. That wasn’t the point. The point was that she was a woman on her own, without a back-up or, from what he could tell, much knack for navigation. He’d learned the hard way that accidents happened, and not just near-misses like she’d had with the deer. Hikersdiddisappear, and were sometimes found in worse places than Aberdeen. He’d rescued a few on Macaskill Ridge himself, locals and tourists alike. If she would just stop being so bloody stoic and asked for help when she needed it, it would make everyone’s life easier, her own included. “What if youhadbeen in an accident, or twisted your ankle halfway around the loch? Who would be able to help you when you’re out here?”
Eiley massaged her temples. “I’m not doing this today.”
She brushed past him, but he wasn’t going to let this go. He grabbed her wrist, turning her back around. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re too reckless for your own good. I’ll take you home myself.”
“No, you won’t!” She yanked her arm away. “Just stop!”
“Stop what? Stopcaringabout you?”
“Stop waiting for me to screw up. Stop lecturing me. Stop treating me like I’m not capable of taking care of myself!”
“Then start acting like you are!” Warren tugged at his hair, furious that she couldn’t just see, for once, that he was trying to help her. Thatshewas the one in the wrong, the one who took risks that could end badly. Fucking hell, hadn’t she ever watched a true crime documentary? Or the news?
“God. God, you areso…” Eiley searched for the word, her face crumpled with something venomous.
“So what?” Warren demanded. “Go on. Tell me what I am, Eiley. You can call me an arsehole again, tell your family that I’m the problem, let them go on hating me because, for some fucking reason, I’m the villain in your story. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
He had no idea where any of this was coming from, but it spewed out of him, an unending torrent of frustration that had been building for weeks – because of her. Because he’d thought they were on the right track, thought they could actually besomething, and she’d decided to take that away again. And, maybe, because he’d watched someone die today.
“And yet you’ll let me touch you, won’t you? Hmm?” he continued, stepping closer. “You didn’t hate me very much when my hand was between your thighs. I’m beginning to think you just like messing me around. Maybe I’m lecturing you because I have no fucking clue where I stand with you.”
“Fine!” Eiley shouted, arms flapping behind her. “I’mthe mess.I’mthe one stringing you along because I have no idea what I’m doing. Is that what you want to hear? Does it make you happy to know that I can’t seem to doanythingfor myself? Do you enjoy seeing me fail so you can tell me how terrible I am, Warren?”
“Of course I don’t enjoy it. Jesus, Eiley.” He hissed out his impatience, pinching the bridge of his nose. He’d already forgotten what they were fighting about. He couldn’t remember ever shouting like this with someone before. Didn’t like it, and yet it just kept happening.
Her chin wobbled suddenly, and she turned away to wipe her tears. “I’m sorry. I’m just … I’m so angry.”
“Aye, I know. I got that already.” His words were bitter, defeated. He couldn’t keep doing this with her. Couldn’t keep feeling terrible for wanting her safe. Couldn’t—
“I don’t mean angry at you!” she exclaimed.
He faltered, rubbing at his sternum when a new pain bloomed there. Not for himself, but for her. Suddenly, she was on the curb outside the bookstore again, a window separating them, and he could see all of the places where she hurt even if he didn’t know why.
Only this time, she knew he was watching. She was showing it to him anyway. And, fuck, there was so much of it.
“Then who?” His voice was quiet now.
She shook her head and toed the dirt.
“You can talk to me. I want you to talk to me instead of … whatever this is. Who are you angry at?”
“Myself,” she confessed. “Everyone. Everything. Nothing ever turns out right. Ever. And I’m so tired of it. Getting into that van terrified me, but I did it because I wanted to prove to myself I could. And it broke down anyway.” She laughed mirthlessly. “And then you’re here to see it happen, because you’re always here to see the bad things happen. I’m just this walking failure. A magnet for disasters.”
Warren didn’t know what to say, this time. He knew what it felt like when the world crumbled around you, over and over again. Sometimes, his job made him feel more helpless than helpful. He could do all the right things, work to save a civilian until he was blue in the face, but it wasn’t always enough. Buildings still collapsed, smoke still suffocated, wounds still bled out, hearts still stopped.
This morning, it had been the latter. He’d held a lad’s hand and watched the life leave him, and even though he’d prepared himself for days like this, it still felt like his fault.
There was only one thing that ever helped.
Quietly, he asked: “Can I take you somewhere?”
“Where?”
“Somewhere that might make you feel better.”
