For the thousandth time, I wonder if I’ve been doing the right thing by letting myself enjoy my nice apartment and cute clothes when I could have saved more money by now if I’d driven two hours to work and worn shirts from a department store.
I did that at first when I wasn’t even a designer. I woke up at four-thirty so I could get to work on time. But when I started climbing up the ladder, I decided to move closer to the office. And when I started getting high-paying clients, I was told that I was the face of the company and had to look my part. The fashion police in New York are brutal, so I started spending a hefty chunk of my paycheck on my nice, recognizable clothes, a chunk for the apartment in a very nice area within walking distance from the office, and the leftovers went toward my sister’s tuition.
I thought at some point when I had more clients and more jobs, I’d start saving and eventually build up security for myself. I didn’t take into consideration that I could get fired and not find another well-paying job. And that was completely my fault.
“Not a problem. Send me your bank info, and I’ll make a transfer.”A moment of silence on his end before his voice turns surprised.“But Joz, I didn’t know you were paying for your sister’s school.”
I laugh sadly. “It’s not something I usually talk about, you know. But yes, I pay for her boarding school so she doesn’t have to grow up like I did.”
He’s quiet for a moment.“How did your parents agree to it?”
I exhale loudly. “It’s the only school they agreed on. It’s either this one, or she goes back to the farm. The choice is obvious. They want what’s best for her but in their own way. Thank goodness they agree with me on education being important.”
“I bet they picked the most expensive one,”he snorts.
“They did.” I blow a strand of hair away from my face. “But just because it’s very strict and also happens to be very expensive. But when I visited the place, it didn’t appear to be as strict as the farm, so in my eyes, it was the better option.”
“I’m proud of you, Joz. Changing your sister’s life so she doesn’t have to claw her way out like you did.”His voice is full of affection, and I actually believe he means what he says.
“Thank you, Archie. I wish she saw it the same way too.” My voice breaks at the end. Because my sister doesn’t see it as a ticket away from our small town. Instead, she sees it as a conspiracy to keep her away from our parents and the farm. I always wonder if I made the right choice by intervening, but I believe she has to have a choice. Staying on the farm, she wouldn’t see what life could offer. If she still wants to go back by the time she graduates school, there will be nothing I can do. But I’ll know I tried.
“She will one day. You just gotta be patient.”I hear Leila calling his name from somewhere.“I have to go, Joz, but I’ll transfer you the money right away. See you.”
Feeling utterly grateful to have people like Archie in my life, I send him my bank info and decide it’s time I get a few minutes to myself since my day has already been shaken. I knew I was running low on funds but didn’t know how low. Needless to say, I’m not very good with financial planning, so this venture of starting my own business just became even more terrifying. I need an accountant or someone who can help me deal with that aspect of running a company as soon as it becomes more than just one client, or I’ll go bankrupt before I’ve even started.
With the wheels still spinning in my head, I take a cup of freshly made coffee and the plans outside to run through them one more time before sending them to the contractor. Feeling happy with the plans and the schedule, I email everything to him and put work aside so I can be present at this moment—something I forgot I was evenallowedto do. And it feels good. Right.
The birds are chirping. The leaves are crinkling. An owl hoots, someone howls (I sure hope it’s not a wolf). The forest is alive, and somehow, I’m not scared.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting like this, but the remains of my coffee are cold when my phone rings again. I check the caller ID because I’m not in the mood for more chats. But finding Alicia’s name, I change my mind.
“Hey, Alicia.”
“Josie! I need your help.”Her voice is serious, and my spine instantly goes rigid.
“What happened? Where are you?” I’m on my feet to run inside the trailer to get the keys before I even finish talking.
“Oh, no! Nothing like that!”she rushes to explain.“I just need a different sort of help.”
“Oh,” I pause and sit back on the steps. “What happened?”
“The girls are going out to the club, and this time, I want to go with them.”I hear her swallowing nervously.“And I need you there.”
“I’ll be there.” I nod even though she can’t see me. Alicia voluntarily going to a club is a big thing. Huge. And I’m very proud of her. If she needs me there, I’ll be there. Even though I don’t want to go. Surprisingly, I’m enjoying this quiet life without people around me. I thought I’d be dead bored after New York, but I’m not. And it’s scary since I don’t want to become a small-town girl again, no matter how inviting this little town is.
Plus, Kenneth did something to me, and the idea of other sweaty male bodies rubbing over mine makes me want to vomit.
And this is precisely why I need to go too. Recalling the way his face changed when he heard the ‘marry’ word; I wince with shame and guilt. I was just joking, but clearly, the word triggered something deep inside of him.
“We’re going on Friday, and the girls are getting ready at Freya’s house. Do you want us to pick you up so we can go together?”
“Yeah.” I’ve been jealous of their tight little circle, and I’m overjoyed at the inclusion. “That would be awesome.”
“Great. I’ll stop by around five so we can head that way.”
“See you!” I end the call, feeling lighter than before. Letting myself breathe and having new friends who seem like they stick to each other no matter the circumstances or the size of their wallet sounds like something I’ve been missing in my life without even knowing it.
Feeling done with fateful phone calls for the day, I silence it and let myself be surrounded by the sound of nature—I’ve come to love doing this here.
