Who came up with the idea of such a tight uniform? Fucking perverts. Even without tight pants squeezing the life out of me, I can’t walk with this thinginme without wanting to break someone’s neck. It constantly itches and gets caught on my underwear. A disaster.
The only reason I did what I did that night was because of alcohol, and when I finally sobered up the next day, I suddenly became all too aware of the little piece of metal stuck in my most sensitive place. At first, I was so scared that my morning wood would make waking up in the morning painful, but my poor dick has been so traumatized that it’s been down like a soldier after a long battle. If I’m honest, I’m grateful for his cooperation—I read that getting hard in the first couple of weeks is very uncomfortable.
I’m just getting cozy in my seat again when that irritating, scratchy feeling plagues me once more, and I hit my head on the headrest, cursing Archie with all my might. I was so drunk when he lured me into the parlor, so desperate for a change that I failed to recognize what was happening until it was done.
I’m the sheriff of this small town. A town I consider to be mine. I can’t be walking around all day with an itchy dick.
My days are always the same. I wake up, and before I even have my cup of coffee, neighbors come knocking on my door to complain about someone stealing their newspaper or leaving trash in their front yard.
I then go to work and immediately get buried under piles of complaints. Some of them are valid, some of them are just bitching, but they must be attended to regardless. Out of nowhere, one of the locals gets in a fight with a tourist, and I get called to the scene. In the evening, on the way back, I get calls complaining about something or someone else.
When I’m finally home, I grab a frozen dinner and a beer and eat in front of my TV. Alone. They call me a bachelor, but it hasn’t exactly been my choice. Dating in a small town is complicated, and it’s nearly impossible when you’re a cop, let alone a sheriff.
I haven’t been on a date in a long time. I enjoyed the last one I went on, even wanted to see her again… until I found out it was set up by my meddling mother, who constantly says she ‘wants grandkids before she dies.’ She called me the very next day, already aware of every single detail of the date, down to how many noodles I left untouched on my plate.
Needless to say, that was the last date.
My hand is my best friend nowadays. When it gets too tired, I drive to Portland or Springfield for a one-night stand or meet with my fuckbuddy, who happens to also be my informant. She’s wickedly fast with computers, but she’s also pretty adventurous and refuses any sort of commitment. A few years ago, I tried asking her out on a real date, but she laughed and smacked me on the shoulder, telling me to call her when I found my balls again. I don’t see how my balls are relevant, but apparently, being in a relationship to some means losing yourself.
Today isn’t any different from any other day of the year. The only thing that changes is the seasons. My neighbor Mrs. Roberts came to my door complaining about someone’s dog pooping in her yard. My only coworker had a fit about being sent to deal with a noise complaint when she wanted to go deal with the bar fight. My mom called me asking for grandkids and trying to set up another blind date.
I got called to a car accident not far from Little Hope, and by the time we were done there, my official shift was almost over, and I headed back to town.
ChapterFour
JOSIE
It took me a month to make all the necessary arrangements and to finish packing my stuff, but now I’m finally ready to uproot my life and temporarily move to Little Hope, the town where hope, apparently, is still a thing.
All the possessions I need to survive fit in three suitcases and tons of small bags. It was a disaster shoving them all in my Classic Mini Cooper. It’s the most expensive thing I own, but she lives up to her name. She’s small and very classy. I push the bags in as hard as I can, praying and crossing all my fingers and toes that my lotions and creams won’t explode under the pressure, considering I sure as hell can’t afford to buy replacements.
The only thing I love that isn’t coming with me is the furniture that sits safely in a storage unit. I spent way too long finding the most perfect pieces at flea markets around the country to sell them. Over my dead body. Every single piece is priceless to me. In fact, if I had to choose between feeding myself and paying for the storage unit to keep them safe, I’d choose them every single time.
One day, I’ll come back for them. When I have a home of my own.
Getting more and more optimistic by the minute, I grab a large coffee to go and load myself in the car. I had to move my seat up to fit all the bags in the back, so it’s a tight fit, and my legs are squashed. I’m not exactly tall, a solid five-five on a good day, but the car is tiny for me and all my bags at the same time.
Giving the bag in the back the stink-eye, I plug Alicia’s address into the GPS, shift into gear, and dial her number. It’s six in the morning, but she told me I could call her anyway since her boyfriend leaves early for his shift at the fire station.
“Hey-hey!”she answers on the second ring.“Are you on your way?”
“Yeah. Do you need anything from the city before I head out?”
“Besides my best friend?”she asks cheerfully.
“Yes, besides her,” I laugh.
“Nothing really.”She lets out a wistful sigh.“I was thinking about some baked goodies from that bakery you always rave about, but we have a really good baker in town, and she’d get offended if she sniffs out that I enjoyed imported goods and let my mom know. She always buys ‘local.’ ”
“If you don’t tell her, she won’t know.”
She starts laughing hysterically.“You’re from a small town, Joz. You should know better.”
“That’s true.” I scrunch my face. “I must have forgotten.”
“You have.”She laughs again, and her voice becomes muffled.“Oh, stop it. Wait. I need to finish first.”There’s a rustling noise and then a weird, wet sound.
“Is that Ghost?” I ask, assuming her adorable dog is showing her sloppy affection.
