“You don’t keep contact with him?”
Compulsion to flee nearly wins over before I get ahold of myself. I started this conversation. I should be able to finish it. “I don’t. But I send him money from time to time.”
“You do?”
“He kept us together. Me and my sister. Didn’t drop us at some gas station like our mother did. So yeah, I send him something from time to time.” No one knows about that. No one. Even him. And I sure hope she keeps my secret. I don’t want any contact with him, but I can’t forget that he let us live in his place and didn’t send us to foster care. I don’t know where we both would have ended up if he hadn’t.
“The scars on your back…” She trails off. “Are they from him?”
I don’t have the mental capacity to go into details, so I just nod.
“I think you’re a bigger person than any of us are, Mark. And you are capable of so much more than you think you are.” I open my mouth to argue, but she grabs my hand and interlocks our fingers. “Just shut up and take it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I laugh, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.
After a while, Alicia digs into her backpack and produces a few protein bars. Offering them to me, she takes a chocolate one for herself. “You know…” She pauses for a second, studying a snowflake that landed on her knee. “I grew up in such a great household, full of love and laughter, and look at me now, a broken, ugly mess, not capable of loving.”
I look at her face—and I meanlookat it. She’s wallowing in so much unwarranted self-hatred that she doesn’t even see herself for who she is.
“We are all a little broken, and we are all a little messy, but I don’t see you as ugly, Alicia.” My voice is firm. I want her to understand that I mean every word. “Everything you do is beautiful. Everything. You bring so much light. Sometimes, it’s very inconvenient.” I chuckle at the memories. “But it’s a light regardless.”
She looks up at me. “You really think so?”
“You brought light tomylife.” I shrug.
“Along with a lot ofmess.” She smiles.
“Along with that. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, to be honest. I thought I wanted quiet, but turns out, I wanted this mess to wake me the fuck up.” I gently place my hand on her knee, and she doesn’t jerk away from the touch.
“Does this mean we’re friends?”
“I guess it does.” I wink at her, and she beams at me.
“Does it make you a little messy too? You know, for liking me?” She blinks.
Warmth spreads throughout my chest. “I guess it does. We can be a mess together.”
“And create chaos?”
I let out a loud laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.” I sober up. “But friends is all I can offer you, Alicia. I’m not—” I swallow. “Built for something else.”
“That’s all right.” Her smile is accepting. “Because I’m too broken for something else.”
My heart sinks toward my stomach at her declaration. She thinks of herself that way, but I can’t find the right words. Not when I think the same of myself.
All I want is find those bastards who made her feel this way. Right here, right now, no matter what happens between us and how long it will take me, I vow to myself to find those monsters and punish them. It may be too late for the law, but they’ll get my punishment. And besides, the lawful way would be too easy on them.
I’m not good with words or emotions, but I’m good with actions, and I’ll make sure Alicia is avenged.
ChapterSeventeen
ALICIA
I’m pacing my living room. This crazy idea took up permanent residence in my head since the first moment I felt tingles in the bathroom, imagining Mark’s large body. With every time we meet, it only took up more and more real estate in my brain. And now it’s overwhelming. This urge to run to him and see how far I can go when I finally reach him, it’s driving me absolutely bananas.
Back in the tent, in the wilderness, when there was no one around, I was so comfortable with him, as if he were my lifeline. Well, besides the tiny episode of me freaking out. And then we had a deep, soul-to-soul conversation. All that pain he hides so well. It woke some deep urge to comfort him, to make him feel better, no matter what it takes. But what if it would also make me feel better?
Despite my messed-up mind, my body completely relaxes in his presence. His touch doesn’t freak me out—quite the opposite, actually. It’s comforting. And sometimes exciting. I didn’t even know how much I starved for this feeling of connection with another human being, not only sexually but simply as friends. Holding each other’s hands, talking. The trust that exists between two people who intimately know each other. I want all of it. I don’t even remember how it feels anymore.
