“I was an idiot,” he said abruptly.
The words hung there, low and gruff and a little bit helpless.
I blinked, unsure what to do with that. “What?”
He turned to face me, expression open and oddly earnest. “The car. I didn’t think about how it would feel. I just—” He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it up until it was sticking out in all directions. “I saw a problem, and I fixed it. That’s what I’m good at. But I should have asked you. Or at least talked about it first.”
His voice was quiet but steady. The kind of tone you use when you know you’ve screwed up and you’re trying to own it without making things worse.
I squeezed the pillow tighter, then forced my hands to unclench. “You didn’t have to?—”
“I know,” he said, cutting me off, but it wasn’t sharp. It was gentle, as if he already knew every argument I was about to make and was sparing us both the trouble. “I wanted to. I wanted to do something special for you. Make you feel special. But I never you to feel like you didn’t have a choice. I’m sorry if I messed that up.”
I let out a breath. The tension in my chest loosened a millimeter.
Ford’s blue eyes fixed on my face, searching for a signal.
“I wasn’t mad about the car,” I said. “Not really.”
He tilted his head, like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I tried to explain, but the words didn’t come out in the right order. “It was just . . . the timing, I guess? After we . . . you know, last night, I felt good—better than I had in forever—and then you did this huge, generous thing. And it was like, I don’t know, suddenly I was back where everything is out of my hands. Like when I was with Jim, and every good thing came with strings. Even if you don’t mean it that way.”
Ford listened, really listened, and didn’t flinch at Jim’s name.
“That’s why I freaked out. I just—I didn’t want to feel like I was for sale.”
He nodded, once. “I get it. I do. I promise you, there’s no price on you, Lily. Not for the car, not for anything. God, I didn’t even think about it that way. Only that, last night was fucking incredible and it solidified us to me in a lot of ways. And I don’t know, I guess I leapt a bit too hard.”
I looked down at the pillow in my lap, running a finger over the worn edge where the stuffing was starting to show. “I know you didn’t mean it that way.”
Ford shifted, closer this time, but still leaving me enough room to breathe. “You want to know something else I was stupid about?”
I shrugged, and he went on.
“I talked to Walker today. Told him what happened. And he told me some stuff about your past. Stuff I probably should have learned from you.”
I expected to feel angry, or violated, or at least embarrassed. But I didn’t. I just felt . . . tired. “Walker’s not great at keeping things to himself,” I said, forcing a weak smile. “But it’s fine. Ifanyone gets to tell you about my baggage, it’s him. He was there for the worst of it.”
Ford smiled too, but it was sad. “He said you used to be a completely different person before Jim.”
I barked out a laugh that sounded brittle even to me. “Yeah. I used to talk a lot, and wear dumb hair colors, and annoy the crap out of everyone in town.”
“I bet you were adorable,” he said, and the sincerity in his voice knocked the wind out of me.
I let the silence sit for a moment, then added, “Walker and Caroline saved my life. Not just that night, either. They kept me going after. So whatever he told you, it’s probably true. And I’m glad you know.”
Ford didn’t push, just sat there, letting me say as much or as little as I wanted. The room felt warmer than before, the old heater rattling in the corner but managing to keep the chill off.
I took a breath, then started talking, my voice shaky at first but steadying as I went. “Walker’s right. I was loud, and I was bright, and I thought nothing bad could ever happen to me. And then I married Jim, and it was like . . . the world got smaller. Every day, a little less light, a little less air. Until I didn’t even recognize myself.”
Ford didn’t say anything, but I could see him clenching his fists, knuckles white.
I went on, because now that the floodgates were open, it felt like I had to get it all out. “It wasn’t just the physical stuff. He wanted me to need him for everything. Money, food, even what shows I watched. If I ever said no, or tried to make a choice on my own, he’d find a way to punish me for it. I got so used to it, I stopped even thinking about having opinions. I felt stuck and it was easier to just go along with it all than risk it.”
Ford’s voice was thick when he said, “You don’t have to tell me this.”
“I want to,” I said, and was surprised to realize I meant it. “Because I need you to understand me. Why I get panicked when people are too nice to me. I never want to feel that powerless again.”
