“No,” I pulled my wig from my head and then the ponytail holding all my hair up. I shook my long dark hair out and shrugged. I loved my little disguises, but I couldn’t handle how restricted the hair made me feel. It made me feel small but now, I didn’t want that. I wanted to feel something different. I wanted to feel like myself.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” He started. I wanted to laugh. Here came the regret.
I leaned against the wall and snickered. “That bad, huh?” Bitterness seeped into my voice.
His eyebrows creased. “What?”
“The kiss was that bad?”
He shook his head. “Why would you say that?”
“You seemed pretty mortified after the fact.” I shrugged like it didn’t matter, but it really did. My chest ached.
He scrubbed his hands down his face and shook his head again. “No, that wasn’t what happened. I don’t regret it because it sucked. I regret it because I’m damaged. Everyone that I love dies and having nice things isn’t something that God intended for me.”
I marched across the parking lot, unlocked my car, tossed my wig onto the passenger seat before I turned back to Derek. “You think you’re the only one not damaged?”
“You don’t understand.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and the movement caused his jeans to ride a little lower on his hips. A patch of dark hair meets the top of his pants and I can’t rip my eyes away, no matter how badly I know I should. “I was engaged once. I had a perfect life, a perfect family and they’re all dead because of me.”
I looked up at the street lights, anywhere but having to look at him and his shirt riding up on his abs. “I can’t understand unless you help me.”
“Brody died. He died right in front of me.” His face falls and for the first time, I can see the emotions fighting behind the scenes. I can see why he hides behind the mask.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but there is no use. I don’t have the right words again. He takes a step toward me and his face crumbles. “I can’t love anyone because if I do, I’ll lose them too.”
I reached a hand out to him, but all he did was hop on his bike and ride away.
Running away won’t solve your problems, Derek.
Shit. I had done the same exact thing. I had run away from all of my problems and didn’t bother with facing them head-on. I continued to push all of my thoughts and issues under a blanket and now it was all going to spill out. How could I help someone else heal if I couldn’t even heal myself?
I slid into the driver’s seat and this time, when my phone rang, I answered it. My brother’s deep voice boomed around me through my car speakers. “Please don’t hang up.”
My heart stopped. “Hi, Kota.”
“Come home, Aiya.” My nickname made tears prick my eyes. I blinked hard. I couldn’t break down until I got to my apartment. I had to drive this car safely.
“Why now?” Why did it matter now after ten years?
“Dad could finally hire a private investigator.” Kota’s voice grew uncertain. He was older than me by a few years and I was closer with him than any of my other siblings. He had cared about me. He had kept dad from beating on me. He took care of us.
“Him or you?” I knew he had worked two jobs while juggling high school then college just so he could pay for our bills and food. I knew he was the only reason we had stayed afloat growing up as dad drank away all the money. Which wasn’t much.
“Him, Aiya.” He sighed into the phone. “What do you want me to do? How can I convince you to come back? We miss you. We thought you were gone.”
As I pulled into the parking garage, I finally let the tears fall. After a few minutes, I’m sobbing. I can’t stop. I slammed my car door and pressed the phone against my slick face. “I was gone. I was starving, I was homeless, I was abused and raped. You have no idea. You have no clue.” He gasped into the phone and I can’t take it back. As much as I want to, my life over the past ten years is out in the open. “I can’t do this right now. Call me tomorrow.”
I ended the call before he could reply and unlocked my apartment door. The tears didn’t stop and all I could do was wrap myself into a blanket on the couch as sobs shook my body.
Chapter Twenty-One
Derek
I was a jerk.I was a class act, royal jerk. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I ignored it. I didn’t care what the boys were doing now that they were home. Brody’s funeral had been postponed because the team couldn’t make it back in time. The mission was too important. It always was. But today, I didn’t care how important the mission had been or the excuses Darren will give everyone, including Brody’s fiancé. I clenched my fists at my sides and tried to not get worked up. I couldn’t afford to damage anything in this apartment with my anger. I didn’t want to be that person anyway.
After a few more buzzes from the stupid group chat I’m in, I tear my phone from my pocket and read through the messages quickly.
Elise-I want to spoil y’all with a jambalaya.
