She stared into the silvery embers of his eyes and saw the depth of his concern reflected in them. “Love,” she said in a soft voice. “This is what you affectionately call me. It is my greatest joy and also my greatest worry. We’ve gotten along remarkably well these past few weeks, haven’t we?”
He nodded. “It’s been wonderful for me, Syd. That’s the honest truth.”
“For me, too. Here we are in a bedchamber that is so small we cannot turn around without bumping into each other, in a town that is hardly a speck on a map, and I feel freer than I ever have felt in my life. I was sure our marriage would be nothing but constant bickering, but we’ve hardly had any disagreements.” She let out a breathy sigh. “Knowing you are beside me is nourishment to my soul, Octavian. I had no idea how starved I was for it until you came along.”
He regarded her with obvious surprise, saying nothing for a long moment. This was her fault. She so rarely reciprocated the loving gestures. But he must have seen into her heart because a slow smile crept across his face. “How is my making you happy a bad thing?”
“It isn’t. But this dark cloud of dread will not leave me.” She searched his expression, hoping he might know the answer to this worry that plagued her. But how could he when she could not explain it herself? “I hope it is just me being afraid to accept this affection growing between us. It is such a wonderful feeling.”
“But?”
“This sense of doom will not leave me. It is like a sword hovering over my head and just waiting to drop on me. I wish we could stay here and never return to London. Is it horrible of me to admit I would not care if I ever saw my parents again?”
“They leave a lot to be desired, but I thought you loved them? You were so worried that Sir Henry had harmed your father. Does this sense of doom you feel concern them? Shall we talk about it, Syd?”
“That’s just it. I don’t know to begin to explain it. What Ifeeldoes concern my parents, but only in the sense they will play a part in my undoing. Hasn’t my father already wreaked havoc on our lives?”
Octavian nodded. “I don’t think I can ever forgive him for trying to sell you to Sir Henry.”
She felt the anger seethe inside of him at the reminder of what had brought them to this point. She was also angry, but much of it was tempered by her love for her father. Yet, she also felt so much resentment. Perhaps this is why she was overset, this mix of feelings so at odds with each other. “What worries me most is that something terrible is going to happen to split you and me apart once we are back in London. I am usually so logical, but I cannot make sense of this foreboding.”
He cleared his throat. “Syd, do not get angry with me…but you are not always as sensible or logical as you think you are. There’s a depth of feeling in you that often controls your actions and compels you to do things that are not always wise or safe.”
“Which you refer to as rash and foolhardy,” she said with some dismay. “But it is not so. I am logical. However, it is merely a logic different from yours.”
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “You took risks for your friends and charged into places where you should not have gone.”
“I had to help Adela, and would do so again if the need arose. Same for helping Marigold. Gory never needed my help, but I would have done whatever I could for her if ever it was necessary.”
“Then let’s hope it is never necessary,” Octavian grumbled. “I do not ever wish to see you hurt.”
“I know. You have always been my protector, although I never understood why you ever bothered with me when you had women aplenty fawning over you. Not to mention, the gossip rags were all reporting that you and Lady Clementine were an item.”
“We were never an item,” he insisted.
Syd regarded him dubiously. “Perhaps not in your mind, but everyone else thought you were going to offer for her. However, my point is that Adela, Gory, Marigold and I are a sisterhood, and each of us would not hesitate to run to the aid of whichever of us was in trouble. Oh, and that isn’t the point I was trying to make, either.”
He nodded. “You are trying to make sense of your feeling of doom.”
“Yes, and it is this inability to understand why I feel the way I do that troubles me. My skin prickles. I shiver at the thought of returning to England. I want to cling to these days of bliss so fiercely because I know they will disappear once we are back in London. Is it just me being foolish? Or am I sensing something real?”
“It is real in that you are dealing with a new experience and struggling to accept it.”
“New experience?”
“That of a normal family life. The life you deserved but was always denied to you. Throughout your childhood, all you remember is having happiness snatched from you.”
She nodded. “Yes, it was always this way.”
“The impact on you was profound, Syd. Every time you felt safe or content, that feeling was soon upended by something your parents said or did. But I am here by your side now, aching to protect you and keep you safe. I’ll be here forever if you want me to be.”
Octavian had such a soothing way about him, providing a comfort and assurance she had never felt before. His kindness made her want to cry, for this was the push and pull inside of her. She wanted to reach for that happiness, but was so afraid it would be snatched from her grasp as soon as she let down her defenses.
For this reason, she was so afraid to open her heart.
But she was so ready to do so.
Octavian was her dream man, and she wanted theirs to be a true and loving marriage.
