Her hands fell away, and she glanced down between them. Sure enough, her tanned skin was mottled with angry, red welts. The agonizing panic coursing through her, the insufferable turmoil racing through her mind, had revealed itself in the form of uncomfortable blotches spreading across her arms, abdomen, and legs.
Solarius released her. “What can I do for you? What do you need?”
Narissa needed to wake up. She needed this to all be some horrific nightmare, for being tricked into bed by that wretched Lord Calfair was far worse than thinking Solarius had broken her heart.
“A shower,” she croaked, her voice hoarse and cracking.
It did not matter if what she’d experienced with Calfair happened ages ago, the halting realization left her feeling unclean, like she wanted to scrub every part of her he touched until she was raw and bleeding. She would stand beneath a spray of scalding water, hot enough to melt away her flesh. She craved numbness, wished she could wallow in a sea of empty feelings where she was merely a husk of a soul. Perhaps if she broke down, if she sobbed and wailed, then maybe she could slowly start to recover. To rebuild her confidence. Instead, she only felt a growing sense of anger seeping with vengeance.
“Okay.” Solarius nodded, guiding her toward the main bedroom, his hand lightly hovering near the small of her back. “Let’s get you in the shower.”
Once inside the bedroom, Narissa slipped out of her shoes and lowered herself to the edge of the bed while Solarius started the shower in the connecting bathing suite. Thick curlsof steam instantly poured into the bedroom, as though he knew she wanted the water to burn the memories away. She stared at a spot on the floor, the one where the whorls and grains on the wood faintly resembled drifting clouds, vaguely aware of Solarius, who stood ready to jump into action if she so much as blinked the wrong way. Tension rolled off him in heavy waves and while the warm bond blossomed inside her chest, it did nothing to soothe her soul.
He shoved one hand through his hair, shifting his weight back and forth.
Narissa knew what he was thinking—his thoughts were not nearly as chaotic as hers, but they were incredibly divisive. He was torn between staying and caring for her and murdering Lord Calfair Skyhelm in cold blood.
“You desired me.” Solarius’s words were weak and carved with uncertainty, like he didn’t quite believe it to be true. “That’s why you have hated me all this time, that’s why you could not stand to be in the same room as me. Because you thought it was I who bedded, then abandoned you.”
The truth of his words hung between them, carved out by foolish assumption, blatant acceptance, and erroneous resentment.
“Yes.” Narissa did not look at him, her eyes did not stray from the swirling clouds engraved upon the hardwood floor. “You never told me why you wanted to end our courtship. You just left.”
Again, he shifted his weight, unease filling the space between them.
“I saw you with Calfair.”
Her gaze shot to him then, cold and ruthless. She dug her nails into the soft bedding to keep from doing something she might regret…like slapping him across his wretchedly handsome face.
“That is not an excuse,” she snapped, no longer caring if venom laced her tone. “Years, Sol. I blamed myself for what happened between us foryears. When in fact I was exploited by your so-called best friend and all the while you made me think I was somehow unworthy of you.”
His shoulders bunched and his hands curled into fists. She could see his anger simmering beneath the surface, feel it pushing down the bond. A swath of hair fell across his forehead, just covering one eye, but she could plainly see the silver of his gaze harden.
“How do you think I felt, Narissa? I saw you fucking my best friend!” He threw his arms out and paced in a small circle, gesturing to nothing and everything all at once. “What was I supposed to do? Barge in and haul him off of you?”
“Yes!” Narissa no longer cared if she was shouting, if her wrath and pain poured from the whole of her heart. She lurched off the bed, rammed one pointed nail directly into the solid wall of his chest. “That isexactlywhat you should have done! Then we would have realized I’d been drugged, and you wouldn’t have been stupid enough to think I could ever love anyone but you!”
Solarius’s mouth fell open. He stared at her, the expression on his face one she didn’t quite recognize. But right now, he was the last person in all of Aeramere she wanted to see.
“Rissa…”
“Out.” She pointed to the door of the bedroom and spoke with deadly calm. With poised authority. “Get out.”
“Narissa, please. Can we just?—”
“No.” She couldn’t look at him again, otherwise she would cave, she would give in to him, and she couldn’t afford to have her resolve weaken. Not yet. “I need to think. I need to breathe. And I can’t do that with you here.”
“Narissa.”
“If you don’t leave, I will.” Narissa squeezed her eyes shut and took a steady breath, inhaling the citrus steam filling the space between them. “Please, Solarius. I need a moment to myself.”
His mouth was pressed into a firm line, but he said nothing. He gave her one sharp nod, turned on his heel, and left her alone in the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him.
One, two, three, four…
Inhale.
Five, six, seven…
