‘And you weren’t going to tell me.’
It was neither a question nor an accusation. Shame pierced Cam’s heart. ‘No.’
Lachlan’s hands balled into fists. When he spoke next, it was on the verge of a whisper, which nevertheless filled every empty space within the room.
‘I’m angry with you, Cam.’
Cam’s heart stuttered. He finally raised his head to meet Lachlan’s eyes and was shocked to find them blazing.
Lachlan’s usual restless fidgeting was absent, replaced by a heated tension that tightened everything from his stance to his voice as he went on, like a storm gathering over still water.
‘Consider the number of people I’ve lost. My family, my parents, my neighbours—childhood friends, and their children, and their children’s children—a whole community I’ve outlived.Generations,Cam. Is it not already enough that I must watch everyone I love grow old and die with the passage of time?Everyoneis only passing through.’
His hands flew into the air, palms open as if grasping a weight between them. ‘And I’veacceptedthis, Cam. All things end. All people… It’sexhaustingto care about all of them. It’s so much easier to care little, and not fret about the passing years or lost time. But you… you… I’ve known you solittle,Cam—’
Lachlan’s breath caught, choking out the end of the sentence. Cam was off-balance, both wanting to catch him in an embrace while prickling with reflexive indignation in the face of his anger.
Lachlan gathered himself again. ‘I barely know you, Cam. It’s been hardly three months and I can’t possibly know you, let alone lo—’ He stopped and shook his head, eyes scrunched closed like he was fighting to hold something in. He released a trembling breath, which seemed to take the last of his anger with it. His next words carried a tone of defeat. ‘Do I have to watch you die so soon, Cam? Why didn’t you tell me?’
Because I want to protect you. Because I love you.
Cam swallowed hard. ‘Because I’m afraid.’ He looked away. Shame flooded his chest with nauseous heat. ‘I’m afraid you’ll think I’m weak.’
Lachlan’s eyes softened. He closed the distance between them, cupping Cam’s Scorched cheek with light fingers. ‘Never,’ he said softly. ‘I’d never think you were weak.’
His hand trailed down to the blackened skin on Cam’s neck, sorrow dowsing the anger in his gaze. ‘I wish you’d told me,’ he whispered.
‘Would you have kept your distance, if I had?’ Cam asked, fighting the urge to shrug away from his touch. ‘If you’d known I wasn’t… a long-term investment?’
Lachlan snorted. ‘You’re not a business loan.’
Nevertheless, he chewed on his lower lip, and didn’t quite meet Cam’s forlorn stare. ‘But you may be right. Sometimes I make selfish choices to keep grief at arm’s length. I’m used to being a passing moment in people’s lives, and I like to keep it that way. Do you know how much of an exception you are?’
Cam caught Lachlan’s hand as it dropped away and planted a kiss on his palm. ‘You could tell me,’ he said quietly. ‘You’re right when you say we don’t know enough about each other. But I want to know everything, Lachy. I want to know everything about you. And I want you to know everything about me. Even the… even the parts I’m not proud of.’ He gave a croaky, rueful chuckle and looked away. ‘I know I’ve been pretty shitty at that so far.’
‘I… Cam…’ Lachlan sank to his knees and rested his forehead on top of the duvet in Cam’s lap. His hands gripped Cam’s sides loosely, pressing into his bare skin. Cam stroked light fingers through the waves of his hair, listening to him breathe.
‘I don’t take lovers, Cam,’ Lachlan whispered into the duvet. ‘It always hurts too much, for one reason or another. When I met you, I thought… I thought it would be like the others. A week or two of pleasant trysts. Something easy to break off. To end. But every time you leave, I feel such hopeless loss. Every time, I’m sure it’s the last time I’ll see you. But then…’
He looked up, eyes swimming with tears as his voice cracked. ‘…you keep comingback.And what’s worse, I’ve started to expect it, Cam. Most days I hear the bell and find myself hoping it’s you who I’ll see walking through the doors. I’ve known you so little and yet… and yet…’
He leaned up to bury his face in Cam’s chest, snuffling reckless tears against his skin. Cam hugged him ferociously, willing his body into something strong and dependable; his arms a wall and his heart a fortress, a stronghold where neither of them would have to face pain again.
In the smallest voice, he heard Lachlan finish, ‘I want to know so much more of you, Cam. I don’t want this to end at all.’
Cam threw his arms under Lachlan’s shoulders to haul him onto the bed. It went more clumsily than intended as Lachlan’s hidden weight dragged on his muscles, but a moment later he was sprawling backwards with Lachlan’s chest pressed to his. He gazed up into wide blue eyes, fiercely aggrieved by the pain reflected there and the fact he was the cause of it.
‘I’m not asking you to stay with me,’ Cam said, fighting to keep his voice level. ‘I understand if this is too much. Itistoo much, and it shouldn’t have to be your problem—’
‘Oh, shutup.’ Lachlan’s lips crashed against his. It was a ferocious kiss. His tongue invaded Cam’s mouth like he was trying to fill him, taste him, to capture the essence of him before any of it disappeared. Cam moaned, struggling to breathe and feeling a little crushed under Lachlan’s weight, but unwilling to let go of him for even a second. Lachlan’s hands tangled in his hair, arms pinning his shoulders to the mattress. Heat flowed from him, chasing away the last of the numbness in Cam’s skin and making him ache to throw off the duvet and pull Lachlan even closer.
The kiss eventually slowed down, interrupted by their panting breaths while their lips still tried to work around them. When Lachlan finally broke away, it was only by the barest inch, and he stared down at Cam nose to nose.
Cam noticed, for the first time, the faintest suggestion of crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes. He’d always felt Lachlan’s eyes gave his age away. There were such depths in them; like they contained the many lifetimes of wisdom that he’d acquired, along with all the sorrow and joy he must have experienced along the way. More sorrow than joy, it occurred to Cam now. Especially now he registered the heaviness to those blue depths, and the weariness. How tiring it must be, to carry all those years around with you.
There was something else there too, lurking underneath the watery surface. A flash of hardened steel, like when Lachlan had told Bryce to back off. A sense of strong resolve that made Cam feel he could be strong, too.
‘You’ve got to promise me something, Cam,’ Lachlan said, smoothing his thumbs down over Cam’s temples. ‘I want you to stop looking into my curse. Forget about it, completely.’
