‘Do you really want to? He’s surprisingly heavy to lift and he doesn’t do much to help himself get up there. He can be a bit funny with people he doesn’t know well too, so don’t take it personally if he pushes you away.’
‘Don’t worry, I won’t and I wouldn’t have offered to take him on the slide if I didn’t mean it.’ It had been another reassuringly straightforward response and, when Drew had held out his hand, Teddie had taken it without hesitation. She should have been shocked, given how unusual that was for him, but somehow she wasn’t. Teddie had recognised the same connection to Drew that she’d felt and her little boy was trying to tell her, in his own way, that she’d been right. After that, it had been Drew’s hand Teddie had yanked on, to let him know that it was time to be lifted to the top of the slide again and, unlike Eden, Drew didn’t show any signs of tiring. Eventually she’d suggested that they go to the café and almost as soon as Teddie was back in his buggy, he’d dropped off to sleep.
Drew had insisted on paying for the coffee and cake, despite Eden telling him that it should be her treat, considering he’d given up his time and lifted Teddie to the top of the slide at least twenty-five times. It was something else that marked him out as being completely different from Jesse. Her ex had been secretive about money as well as everything else. The lies he’d weaved had been so tangled that even now she wasn’t sure she knew the whole story.
Now, as Drew walked back towards her, she found herself wondering how different her life might have been if she hadn’t met Jesse. She would still be able to trust her instincts without overthinking and second-guessing everything, after years of gaslighting had made her doubt even the things she saw with her own eyes. She’d still have had the self-confidence that experience had robbed her of, which might have changed so many things, including how far she’d progressed in her career. Maybe she’d even have the happy little family she’d always envisaged, one that wasn’t burdened with any of the issues she’d experienced in her own childhood. Eden would never regret meeting Jesse though, because she wouldn’t have Teddie otherwise.
‘There you go.’ Drew set down the tray and put Eden’s carrot cake and latte in front of her. The picnic table she’d chosen was furthest away from the others outside the café, and she hoped it would be quiet enough for Teddie to stay asleep.
‘Thank you.’ She looked up at him. ‘Not just for this, but for everything today.’
‘It’s no problem.’ It was the same thing he’d said when they first met up, but he wasn’t finished. ‘I enjoyed it, especially taking Teddie on the slide.’
‘I think you’re his new favourite person.’ She really liked Drew and knowing how much her son liked him just intensified that feeling. It had been on the tip of her tongue to say that he was her new favourite person too, after how much he’d helped her to think things through, but she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. She hadn’t really known what to expect from their meet up, and she’d had no idea that he’d worked with children with autism during his medical training. Or that he still did some volunteering in that area. It had meant they’d been able to talk about far wider issues than just his own experiences of autism, which were very different to Teddie’s. She wasn’t sure if there were additional insights he might still be able to share, but she knew she didn’t want this to be the last time they met up.
‘It’ll be nice to be someone’s favourite person.’ Drew’s comment wasn’t self-pitying, just another example of the kind of total honesty she was finding so appealing. Although she wasn’t sure what to say in response. She didn’t want to say she was sure he was someone else’s favourite person, because she had no way of knowing if that was true. Instead she decided to mirror his honesty and ask him the question she’d been wanting to ask for the last couple of hours.
‘You haven’t got someone waiting for you at home then?’
‘Only my cat. Does that tick any ASD boxes do you think, living alone with a cat?’
‘Far better than living with a total dickhead like I did for nearly seven years.’ Eden hadn’t meant to blurt that out and it took her by surprise again just how easy it was to be honest with Drew and tell him things she’d only usually share with the people closest to her. He probably didn’t have the slightest interest in her personal life, but there was a hint of a smile playing around his mouth at her blunt choice of words, before his expression grew more serious again.
‘Was he Teddie’s father?’ When Eden nodded, Drew was quiet for a moment and she found herself wanting to fill the silence and explain how she’d ended up with someone like Jesse. They were far enough away from everyone else for their conversation not to be overheard and suddenly the story was just pouring out of her. Every detail of it. She hardly paused for breath and she couldn’t look at Drew, but she couldn’t stop either.
‘I met Jesse when I was working at a hospital in London, after university. He’d been in a car accident and was badly injured. The team caring for him weren’t sure if he was going to walk again. I looked after him when he first came into the emergency department and he told me there was only one person in the world who’d care if he wasn’t here any more, but it would be better even for his sister if he died. I couldn’t believe he didn’t have lots of people who cared about him, but when I went up to see him on the ward a few days later, one of the nurses told me I was his first visitor. After that I kept going to see him. I found out he’d been in care after his parents died, and that he’d gone to live in a bedsit at nineteen. He told me he’d faced cancer treatment alone that same year, because he hadn’t wanted to burden his little sister with knowing just how ill he was. It was the same reason he hadn’t told her about the accident. Or at least that’s what he told me. I think now that it was all part of his plan to make me feel sorry for him and like he needed me, but all I could see at the time was someone vulnerable and alone. Jesse told me how hard he’d worked to move on from the start he’d had in life and that he was earning a good wage, but it wasn’t enough. Eventually he confessed that he’d crashed his car deliberately because he didn’t want to live. And despite what I know about him now, I think all of that was true. Somehow, over the weeks of going to visit Jesse, I found myself feeling responsible for him, and he told me I was the only reason he wanted to get better. He didn’t want me to speak to his sister, because he said she’d had a lifetime of being burdened with his problems. I should probably have realised even then what I was setting myself up for, but somehow I couldn’t see it.’
Eden paused, searching Drew’s face and looking for signs of judgement or something that told her how stupid he thought she’d been, but there was no indication of that, and it made it easy for her to continue.
‘I never intended to get into a relationship with Jesse, but before I knew it, I was already in too deep and I thought I could save him from himself. Growing up with a mother like mine made me want to save everyone, but Jesse didn’t know how to be honest about anything. He’d tell me things I knew weren’t true, but when I confronted him, he’d twist it back on to me and deny ever having said the things I accused him of lying about, until it felt like I was going mad. He checked up on me all the time, questioning what I was doing and accusing me of all kinds of things, telling me my behaviour was inappropriate and that everyone could see it but me. It filled me with so much doubt that I stopped trusting myself and I completely lost who I was for a while. I knew I needed to break things off. Except when I told him I was leaving, he said he had no reason to carry on. I couldn’t be the one to tip him over the edge, despite the effect that living with him was having on me, so I stayed and it was a cycle that kept repeating, especially after his sister eventually got involved and begged me to stay. She said she couldn’t lose him as well as her parents, and suddenly I felt responsible for Sadie too.’
Eden could barely catch her breath as she finished speaking and the realisation hit her that she’d told Drew things she hadn’t even shared with Felix. It was as if he’d become her unpaid therapist, but the quiet way he listened and the complete lack of any judgement in his expression made it incredibly easy to talk to him. Saying those things out loud – some of them for the first time – made it feel as if the burden of what she’d been through had suddenly eased. The anger she’d felt for allowing those things to happen had lessened too. It was so much easier to forgive herself after explaining how she’d got sucked into the situation with Jesse, and it no longer felt like her dirty little secret as a result, or something she had to feel guilty about. Drew might actually be a miracle worker and, when he responded to what she’d told him, it was obvious he didn’t blame Eden for anything that had happened with Jesse.
‘I’m always amazed at how people can make someone else responsible for their lives and happiness, but I guess it’s easier than facing up to your own shortcomings.’ Something in Drew’s tone told her he was speaking from personal experience and she waited for him to carry on speaking, but instead he left the space for her to continue her own story and she realised she needed to get to the end, as much for herself, as him.
‘I should have got out much sooner than I did, but I kept hoping Jesse would change, or get the help he needed and that I’d no longer feel responsible for him and Sadie, but then I fell pregnant with Teddie. The last thing I wanted was to have a baby with someone like him. He’d told me from the start it wasn’t even possible, because the cancer treatment had left him completely infertile. Looking back, I don’t think he ever even had cancer. I think he lied to me and probably his sister too, creating a narrative where he was a victim, so no one would challenge him about his actions. I should have left before Teddie was born, but I was scared of what Jesse might do and I didn’t want my baby to grow up and discover I was the reason his father was no longer around. It’s ironic when I think about how much better off Teddie is without Jesse, but at the time I was so entrenched in saving Jesse from himself that I couldn’t see it like that.’
‘It wouldn’t have been your fault if something had happened to Jesse.’ Drew’s response made it sound so simple. She knew it was just the straightforward way he had of seeing things, but she needed Drew to understand that it wasn’t as simple as he seemed to think it was, but then he started talking and what he said couldn’t have surprised her more. ‘I know what it’s like to live with that kind of threat hanging over you. For years my mother said she didn’t want to live any more, and I thought if I could just be different, she might feel differently too. But I couldn’t make her happiness my responsibility, even if I’d wanted to, and Jesse’s wasn’t yours. You can’t make someone else happy.’
‘I know, but it’s not always that easy to stop trying, is it?’ She searched his face again, and he shook his head.
‘No, it isn’t. The reason I love my job so much is because I like dealing in logic and facts; they make me comfortable and that’s part of how my autism works. For every problem, there’s a solution. Or at least there should be. It took me a long time to realise that emotions don’t behave with that sort of predictability and that it didn’t matter how many solutions I offered my mother to try and cure her unhappiness, I couldn’t fix the problem.’
Despite all the things they’d discussed that day, this was the most personal thing Drew had told her, and it was also the most he’d said in one go. For a moment Eden wasn’t sure how to respond, but she wanted him to know how grateful she was that he’d shared it with her.
‘Thank you, that really helps to hear. I still feel guilty about Jesse and I worry about him too. Whichever parts of his past are the real story, they’ve damaged him, and it makes me sad that I couldn’t put that right. But what you said is true; I never had the power to fix Jesse and it wasn’t my job to try. The only thing that matters to me now is doing my best by Teddie.’
‘You already are.’ Drew held her gaze for a moment and the attraction between them was palpable. It wasn’t just from her side either, she was almost certain of that. Eden could so easily have closed the gap between them and discovered how he’d respond if she did. She wanted to, and for a moment she thought she might actually do it, but then someone called her name.
‘Eden!’ Looking up, she saw Aidan waving furiously at her. Jase was with him, pushing baby Ellis in her pram. Letting go of a long breath and trying to shake herself out of the moment she’d so nearly had with Drew, Eden stood up as Aidan and Jase drew level with the table.
‘Fancy seeing you here!’ Aidan flung his arms around her. ‘We’re just off to meet Danni and Charlie, apparently Caleb is already in the sandpit eating his body weight in sand.’
‘Oh no.’ Eden shuddered. ‘We were talking earlier about how much we dislike sand, weren’t we, Drew?’
‘Yes, we were.’ He clearly wasn’t intending to elaborate, and Eden had never been a fan of awkward silences, so she launched into an introduction.
‘I don’t know if you’ve met Drew before, have you? He’s one of the pathologists at the hospital.’ She didn’t even wait for Aidan to answer, before turning towards Drew. ‘And this is Aidan, who works with me, and his husband Jase.’
