After a while she put her arms around his waist.
He laid his cheek on her hair—her ugly, short, shapeless hair, not yet grown back after the fire—and stroked her back as if she were a baby. She wanted to stay like that forever. But he pulled away from her so that he could look at her, and he said: “Why does it make you frightened?”
She knew, but she could not tell him. She shook her head and took a step back; but he held her wrists, keeping her near.
“Listen, Aliena,” he said. “I want you to know how terrible this has been for me. You seemed to love me, then you seemed to hate me, and now you’re going to marry my stepbrother. I don’t understand. I don’t know anything about these things, I’ve never been in love before. It’s all sohurtful.I can’t find words for how bad it is. Don’t you think you should at least try to explain to me why I have to go through this?”
She felt full of remorse. To think that she had hurt him so badly when she loved him so much. She was ashamed of the way she had treated him. He had done nothing but kind things to her and she had ruined his life. He was entitled to an explanation. She steeled herself. “Jack, something happened to me a long time ago, something truly awful, something I’ve made myself forget for years. I wanted never to think of it again, but when you kissed me like that it all came back to me, and I couldn’t stand it.”
“What was it? What was the thing that happened?”
“After my father was imprisoned, we lived in the castle, Richard and I and a servant called Matthew; and one night William Hamleigh came and threw us out.”
He narrowed his eyes. “And?”
“They killed poor Matthew.”
He knew she was not telling him the whole truth. “Why?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why did they kill your servant?”
“Because he was trying to stop them.” Tears were streaming down her face now, and her throat felt constricted every time she tried to speak, as if the words were choking her. She shook her head helplessly, and tried to turn away, but Jack would not let her go.
In a voice as gentle as a kiss he said: “Stop them from doing what?”
Suddenly she knew she could tell him, and it all came out in a rush. “They forced me,” she said. “The groom held me down, and William got on top of me, but still I wouldn’t let him, and then they cut off a piece of Richard’s ear, and they said they would cut him more.” She was sobbing with relief now, grateful beyond expression that at last she could say it. She looked into Jack’s eyes and said: “So I opened my legs, and William did it to me, while the groom forced Richard to watch.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jack whispered. “I heard rumors, but I never thought ... Dear Aliena, how could they?”
She had to tell him everything. “Then, when William had done it to me, the groom did it too.”
Jack closed his eyes. His face was white and taut.
Aliena said: “And then, you see, when you and I kissed, I wanted you to do it, and that made me think of William and his groom; and I felt so horrible, and frightened, and I ran away. That’s why I was so mean to you, and made you miserable. I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you,” he whispered. He drew her to him, and she let him put his arms around her again. It was so comforting.
She felt him shudder. Anxiously she said: “Do I disgust you?”
He looked at her. “I adore you,” he said. He bent his head and kissed her mouth.
She froze. This was not what she wanted. He pulled away a little, then kissed her again. The touch of his lips on hers was very soft. Feeling grateful, and friendly toward him, she pursed her lips, just a little, then relaxed them again, in a faint echo of his kiss. Encouraged, he moved his lips against hers again. She could feel his breath warm on her face. He opened his mouth a fraction. She pulled away quickly.
He looked hurt. “Is it that bad?”
In truth, she was no longer as frightened as she had been. She had told him the horrible truth about herself and he had not recoiled in disgust; in fact, he was as tender and kind as ever. She tilted her head and he kissed her again. This was not scary. There was nothing threatening, nothing violently uncontrollable, no force or hatred or dominance; just the reverse. This kiss was a shared pleasure.
His lips parted and she felt the tip of his tongue. She went taut. He teased her lips apart. She relaxed again. He sucked gently at her lower lip. She felt a little dizzy.
He said: “Would you do what you did last time?”
“What did I do?”
“I’ll show you. Open your mouth, just a little.”
She did as he said, and she felt his tongue again, touching her lips, passing between her parted teeth, and probing into her mouth until he found her own tongue. She pulled away.
