Azar’s right. All of this is a performance. Even if I wanted to find love, I can’t do it here.
Two migraines in less than a week isn’t unheard of, cue the third.
Twenty minutes later, I’m sitting on the couch alone and Irene is standing behind the camera. Austin took Hina with him to another room while we filmed my interview.
I’ve met a couple of other staff members who introduced themselves with a name. I made a note of each in my notes app.
There’s nothing worse than someone forgetting your name when you hoped they’d remember.
Irene explained how the bucket list idea works but told me the rest of the rules will be revealed while filming to show our real reactions.
This feels… weird.
I’ve always been the person behind the camera. Taking picturesof my family, videos on everyone’s birthday, and capturing the candid moments for everyone to remember. Not once have I been the one on the other side. If there is a memory like that somewhere in my brain, it’s not memorable enough to be on the conscious side.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being the camera person. It’s fun and less exposing.
In simpler, more coherent words… I feel out of my element.
“We’ll start with a couple of simple questions,” Irene writes down on her iPad and looks up to read my face. I mask it with the perfect level of confidence, which is an overly wide smile. “Like why you decided to be on the show, what’s on your bucket list, and a core memory you have of doing something with someone else that changed the trajectory of how you view life. Sound good?”
“Sounds great,” I answer.
A younger woman—Amirah—dashes towards me with some kind of palette. She holds up a brush to my cheek and pats away with quick speed.
Others are setting up props on the coffee table in front of me.
Plates full of desserts, a cup that gives the illusion of a drink, but it remains empty, and half eaten cake that isn’t mine next to it.
When the red light goes on and Irene says, “State your name, age, and occupation.”
“I’m Nova Rivera. I’m twenty-four. And I’m currently working as an editor at Berkenlin Publishing.”
“Nova, can you tell us why you joinedLove? Check!and what you’re most excited for?” My leg fights the urge to fidget.
Instead, I clasp my hands over my lap.
“I joinedLove? Check!to experience the world in a different way,”I don’t sound like myself. “I’ve been in a nine to five job since graduating university and as much as I adore the routine, I haven’t been able todo anything for myself.”My hours are my own. I haven’t worked a nine to five in two years. “I think I’m most excited to meet someone who I can have fun ticking off my bucket list items with.”I’m not here looking for love. Friendship, sure. Despite what the show is for, I’m here for all the wrong reasons.
I care about becoming someone somebody else deserves, not just being with someone who I might deserve.
The lies spill out of my lips and taste intoxicating.
Each person in the room eats up my words.
I can see the wheels in their brains twisting and turning.
All of this is a lie.
I’m a con-artist only here to win money to feel safe in my own life again.
“Speaking of bucket lists,” Irene speaks. “Can you tell us about your five items?”
“The first on my list is finding an Umbel Pennycress, it’s a rare flower that can only be found in Switzerland. I wo—well, love flowers. And it’s been one that I’ve been hoping to find.” A crew member yawns in the corner. I can feel my pulse in my throat. “The second is going pottery making—and you might be thinking why Nova? Honestly, I don’t know. It’s an art that I’ll never master, nor have I ever tried. It seems worth learning.” Another member whispers something in Irene’s ear. I bite the inside of my cheek. “The third one…” What’s my third one? I remember writing them down.
“Seeing a live orchestra and then a fancy dinner,” Irene’s smile drops.
Suddenly the walls are closing in around me.
