“I’ve never seen him speechless before.”
I pray to a higher entity, someone who can stop me before I break his heart open too.
“You,” I point a finger in his face.Too late.“On my way here, I thought you gave me that money to help me out—that you have a knight in shining armour mindset, but that’s not it, is it? You paid me off as a threat. You don’t tell my secret and I don’t tell yours.”
“Nova—”
“No,” I snap, rabidly. If I wasn’t human, canines would burst from teeth, I’d hiss, possibly bark at Dean for being the danger I need protection from. “Curse me for thinking you were a good man, Dean.”
He moves closer to me. Tries to hold me despite the space between us.
A brain tumour would hurt less, I think.
“Get out,” I force it past my lips. He stops. “Please.”
Dean watches me, every architectural mystery on his face fallsapart. There’s no history there, just a tragedy that’ll get buried under the archives.
Opening the door for him, I watch his slow pace make it past the invisible line.
Then he turns to look at me. “You love me?”
And because I feel like crying, I shut the door in his face.
CHAPTER 30
Cornwall is exactly how I remember it.
Dead streets, fishy, and that one park with broken swings remains unfixed. It’s a good day in Cornwall when the sun is out, the water is glittering, and you can hear laughter from backyard BBQ’s.
The first month living in Toronto, there was this ache in my abdomen. I went to a walk-in clinic, trying to discover what it was—if it was the food, people, or the darkened loneliness. I remember the understanding look the doctor gave me when she said, “You're homesick.”
I didn’t want to believe it. So, I focused on school. Ate whatever bad junk food I found and refused to answer anyone’s calls. I considered it a punishment for letting myself get sick over a home that didn’t feel familiar.
But I was a child, barely entering adulthood when I felt that way. Now I get it.
How could I have known what familiar felt like when I’d never been parted from it?
I’ve lost count of days. If it’s been a week or two since I’ve seen Dean, I couldn’t tell you. Azar picked me up after and we didn’t mutter a single word about him. Sunny was still sitting on my couch when I started crying. She helped me transfer the money back and patted my back. She’s not great at emotional support, but Sunny stayed by me while Azar watched with scrunched brows and worry. I didn’t want them to worry anymore because Sunny needed to go back to her family, and Azar needed to return to his pretty popstar.
So, I did the first thing I thought of.
The three-story, brick house stares back at me like it doesn’t harbour memories of my tears on the porch or the donkey laughs in Nadine’s room.
Taking a well-needed intake of air, I roll my bag over to the porch.
After ringing the doorbell, it crosses my mind that they might not be home. According to Nadine,Ma’sbeen going to weekly book club meetings andTatay’sdoing his own thing. They have their own life. One that doesn’t involve taking care of the youngest Rivera child.
I turn around when the door swings open.
“Nova,baby, is that you?”
I’ve never been sick of home, just sickbecauseof it.
Ma’svoice is the same as I remember. Butterscotch cookies coming fresh out of the oven or the sweet sound of lullabies through the thin walls. The heating pad on my cramps during my period. My name never feels right until she says it.
“Hi Ma.” I’m a kid again. Sitting outside her bedroom door, listening to the sobs bulge out of her chest when she wraps her arms around me. Rosewater and pine trees. A smell I’ll never get used to.
“Come in,” she pulls me inside. I time travel back to when I lived here.
