When Rosa’s high school life caused problems in our family, Nadine spent her time trying to calm the tension between our parents and her.
I was young then, barely speaking to my dad and never looking in my mother’s eyes.
And then Nadine was there, handling them and loving me at the same time.
There will never be a better love story between a youngest daughter and her oldest sister, but eventually I learned that true stories like ours have endings with heartbreak interlaced with guilty love.
“You can’t fix this for me,Ate.” I let the emblem of honesty dissipate.
“Nova,” I bet she’s rubbing her round belly. “I know you. Better than you know yourself. You don’t have to tell me your reasons for going on the show, because I know whatever it is, it’s the easy way to solve your problem.” Fabric shuffles around. “But Nova, have you been solving the problem? Can you honestly tell me that you’ll returnhome the winner ofLove? Check!season three?” Sunny says something to Nadine I can’t hear. “All this does is prove to me how irresponsible you are.”
Irresponsible.
Out of everyone in my life, she is the last person I’d thought would say that to me. Nothing I’ve done has been for fun. When my consciousness grew from child to adult at the prime age of ten, all I’ve done is tiptoe around myself to avoid stepping on my dreams and desires, just so I can stay in the background and away from trouble.
The thing is that this isn’t—Deanisn’tmyirresponsible. He’s how I see the panned-out version of the universe. Full of galaxies, complicated, and worth getting to know. She doesn’t know him when he’s been standing behind me, with his feet possibly hurting, doing the sidewalk rule, keeping his eyes on me at all times, and talking to me like he wants to know every bit of who I’m becoming instead of what made me who I am.
“I know you do what you think is best for me and try your hardest to make sure I have a good life, despite the choices that get me here. And…”
I turn to look at him.
Dean watches the lanterns. Not once did he remove his hand.
I’ve been naive. Not once since I’ve been here, have I tried to win or couple up with someone who could help me.
He deserves a better version of me than one standing here.
“You’re right,” I say. “I shouldn’t be here.” My insides keep deflating until they’re at the initial stage of a balloon. Except every organ is ruptured.
“I’m not saying this to ruin your fun, but I’m worried about you. I hate how our distance stopped you from confiding in me.”
Tears gather in my eyes.
Our distance was a product of my insecurities. “I’ll be better, I promise.”
“I believe you,” she sniffles. “Come back to me, okay?”
It’s laden with dominance I never refuse. “Okay.”
After a softI love you, the line goes dead.
I feel it happening. The curves of my body are screaming to do the one thing I’ve prevented myself from doing since the first night.
It’s swift, the turning of apps, the clicking of certain titles, thealmostconfirmed payment.
My phone plucked out of my hands and into Deans.
“Nova.”
I’m undeserving of his softness.
Sternly, “My phone, Dean.”
He looks at my open palm, then tucks the device away.
That singular action makes me break.
Tears stream down my cheeks. What I thought was going to be one of the most beautiful moments of my life has turned into a travesty. Now, I’m the sad ending of a good story.
