My lips quirk. “Fair enough.”
“How long?” he asks, and I know what he’s asking. He’s buying time, and I’m not sure if it’s from nerves, or something else.
I shrug. “An hour? I dunno. It never occurred to me that you’d…” Looking down, I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. “What about you?”
He doesn’t answer. I look up, and he’s watching me with narrowed eyes. “This doesn’t change anything, right?”
“One kiss? Nah.”
“You sure?”
I nod. “We’re cool.”
“I really do need some fresh air,” he says, walking over to where he stepped out of his shoes. “I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up.”
He’s gone before I can think of something to say.
Something to stop him.
Something to get him to kiss me again.
I stand frozen, lips still tingling. The dorm feels bigger, emptier, and the space between us has never felt so wide. Letting out a shaky breath, I run a hand through my hair and try to quell the unease and confusion that I’m feeling. I drop my head back until I’m staring at the ceiling.
What the hell was that?
I’m still trembling, so I close my eyes and take several deep breaths. My first instinct is to call Liam or Miles, my older brothers, but I don’t even know what they’d say. When I open my eyes, I look around the dorm room. Flicking the flashlight back on, I change into sweatpants and a T-shirt before grabbing my toothbrush. The walk to the communal bathroom is eerie in the dark, but the voices behind the door are comforting. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face, and just as I’m drying my neck with a hand towel, the lights flicker back on.
I can’t help but stare at my reflection.
I’m not gay.
I know. But you’re not straight, either.
I’d never really contemplated my sexuality before tonight. I just assumed I was straight. I took a girl to homecoming and prom. I had a girlfriend for a couple of months junior year of high school. But I wasn’t like Chase, my younger brother. He’sthe popular guy in high school, and all the girls flock to him. And me? I preferred to watch everything from the sidelines. I stuck to hanging out with Julian and his friends.
I think back to senior year, and how Julian and I had been dubbed “Best Bromance.” We’d laughed it off, and I never even thought about if it bothered him. Why would it? He dated around a lot. He loved women.
He might not be straight, but he’s not gay.
But… am I?
I blow out a slow breath of air. I gothardfor my best friend. I can still feel his lips on mine, taste the butter and mint, hear the frenzied way he said my name.
Kai. Fuck.
It had been supplicant and desperate. Just the thought of Julian saying my name like that…
It makes me want to scream.
I flick my eyes up to my reflection, and I look haunted. My short, dark hair is messy as always, and my gray eyes have dark circles underneath them. I’ve been told I’m attractive, and I suppose I’ve always just accepted it, but now… now I’m not sure what I see. There’s something different. Maybe it’s in the way my lips still tingle, like they’re betraying me with memories I shouldn’t have.
His lips. Julian’s lips.
I can’t stop thinking about it. It wasn’t supposed to feel like this—this deep, gnawing confusion in my chest, like something’s come undone inside me and I don’t know how to stop it. I’d kissed him. And in that moment, it felt like everything clicked into place… and shattered all at once.
It was just a kiss. Just a silly, impulsive kiss.
But my head’s spinning, and I can’t stop replaying it over and over, searching for something that makes sense. Something that tells me what I want it to mean.
