I retch as I threaten to collapse, as the metallic smell hits my nostrils. I’m suddenly back in the hallway of my childhood home. The blood is already coagulating on my hands, and I let the knife clatter to the ground as the sticky feeling gets worse and worse–
Lachlan holds me close, his arms wrapped around me as his warm chest presses into my back. My face is wet, and I see the old Lords murmuring together in the corner. I flex my hands, squeezing my eyes shut as my heart thumps heavily in my throat.
“Astern,” he murmurs, his mouth close to my ear.
“My hands,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “I need–my hands–”
I see Max walk into my peripheral, and he holds a water bottle up. “Raise your hands, darling. Let me clean them up.”
I do as he says, watching as the water slowly washes the blood off. Alex comes up behind Max and holds out a handkerchief.
Otto takes it and uses some of the water from Max’s water bottle, and then he works the cloth up and down my bare arms. It’s not perfect, but I don’t feel the stickiness anymore.
“You did well,” Sterling says from in front of me. Behind him, Alaric, Gideon, and Theo are untying the man from the chair. “I’d like for Alexander to stay–we’ll show you how we dispose of the bodies.” Sterling looks at me. “Tomorrow, we’ll teach you, Astern. For now, go home and rest before training tomorrow.”
I can’t move my lips–can’t nod or do anything as one of Lachlan’s arms comes under my knees and picks me up. He carries me out the door bridal style, and I let my cheek rest against his chest.
In the back seat, I’m placed between Otto and Lachlan as Max drives us home.
Home…
Since when do I consider this home?
My body feels cold from the blood and the water, and even though I can still faintly smell blood, I press my face into Lachlan’s chest so that I can only smell him. His arm snakes around my shoulders and he holds me close.
“You did so well, darling,” Otto murmurs from next to me. I feel a finger drawing circles on my thigh, and it must be his.
“I never want to do that a–gain,” I admit, stuttering. “Ikilledsomeone. I–I wasn’t myself. Something overcame me, and all I could t–think about was… snuffing the life out of him. Like someone spilled ink inside of my heart until it bled through e–every good part of me–”
“Hey,” Lachlan murmurs, kissing the top of my head. “Let’s not worry about the future right now. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
My chest aches as I attempt to hold back a sob. “I never actually w–wanted to do this. To be h–here. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to k–kill them, to avenge my parents. But they were horrible p–people–”
“No offense, darling,” Otto says gently. “But did you really think you could take on the Lords of fucking Darkness? By yourself?”
“Y–yes,” I hiccup.
“I believe in you and that you can do whatever your heart sets out to do,” Otto adds. “But your plan was insanity. It’s time to accept your fate–it’s time for all of us to accept our fate.”
My chest cracks open as I begin to cry in earnest, and it feels like an unleashing.
I haven’t let myself think of what the Lords told me about my parents. About the people I loved so much, about who theyreallywere underneath my rose-colored glasses. I can’t let myself think about it, because over the years, I’ve held them on a pedestal. I’ve looked up to them and asked them questions at night when I was alone in the dark. I hoped that I’ve made them proud. But they weren’t good people–not really.
Merging my image of them with who theyreallyare… it hurts too much to even consider.
They’re all I have left, and I need the perfect images of them in my mind for a little longer.
I’m afraid if I don’t have thatonetiny bit of happiness, I might get completely sucked into the inky darkness.
I continue crying as Otto rests his warm palm on my thigh, as Lachlan squeezes my shoulders like hewantsto–
It hurts. Everything hurts, and I let it all out, soaking Lachlan’s shirt in the process.
My mind dissociates and I hardly register pulling up to the manor, or Lachlan carrying me inside. I vaguely recall Max and Otto clapping Lachlan on the back and murmuring something about tea and biscuits before walking toward the kitchen.
I’m in a daze until Lachlan drags me to our joint bathroom and begins to undress me. I step out of my Converse, and theneverything feels surreal. I snort as he tries to unbutton my jeans and fails.
“If you wanted to fuck me again, you could just ask instead of trying to get into my pants.”
