She nodded and stared out. “I keep thinking of my dad. About how we were always fighting, right up until the end.”
“Rem, don’t do that to yourself,” I said softly.
“I can’t help it. He just wanted me to be good. To focus on the bigger picture of my life, but I was caught up on having fun and wanting people to like me. I did what I wanted to do and focused on me.” She studied her twined fingers. “I never made him proud.”
“Stop.” I turned enough to look at her. “It’s okay that you let yourself have some fun. You’re such a good person. I know he saw that.”
“I’m not telling you this so you’ll say I’m good. I’m just . . . I need to change. For me. I feel like everyone but you only thinks I’m fun when I’m drinking. And guys only like me for what I’ll give them. I know it’s stupid to be thinking about this when the world is coming to an end, or whatever’s going on here, but look at the other night!” The night with Tater. She waved her arms out. “Even when things are falling apart around us, I’m still making bad decisions. I have to stop.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“No.” She shook her head. “This morning when Matt brought me that stupid M&M, I almost kissed him. I almost pulled him into the backseat of the car with me, because I felt like I needed to thank him. Like I owed him something. Do you feel that way when a guy is nice to you?”
“Um . . .” No.
“I didn’t think so.” She rubbed her face.
I put an arm around her and pulled her close, putting my head on her shoulder. I’d seen the aftermath of a lot of patients whose lives had been changed after they had a near-death experience, or lost a loved one. Sometimes monumental events sparked big changes in life, good or bad. This was normal.
“I love you, no matter what,” I told her. “And I support you.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
We sat there, quiet under the gray winter sky of the desert. It made me wonder how many others were out there like us. Lost. Grieving. Looking for survivors. Remy pinched my arm and I jumped, then looked where she pointed. On the next hill over, Rylen had climbed and was standing, looking out. Watching him did so many things to me. I wondered what he was thinking. Probably about Livia.
I sat back and looked at my hands. Remy nudged me, trying to get me to go talk to him, but I shook my head. Alone time was scarce these days, so I would let him have his.
“Oh, my gosh,” Remy whispered. My eyes flew to Rylen again to find him taking off his shirt. I sucked in a ragged breath. Remy’s claws sank into my forearm as we watched him staring out at the view. Even having lost weight, he was still amazingly fit. He shook out his T-shirt, turned it inside out, and slid it back over his head. I suppose that was his version of changing into something clean.
He turned and caught sight of us, lifted a hand. We both gave small waves in return. Then we climbed down and dusted ourselves off. Time to go. Daylight was burning. Rylen met us at the bottom and walked with us. His arm brushed mine, and I wrapped my arms around my middle.
“Neither of you brought a coat, did you?” he asked.
I shook my head and Remy said, “I don’t even own a coat.” I did, for our rare family excursions into the mountains, but it was at home in the back of my closet.Home. My heart ached with longing as the comfort of the word rushed over me. Rylen said nothing, but looked thoughtful.
Around the side of the hill, the three of us halted at the sight of Tater sitting on the ground, his knees pulled in, head down. Rylen and I looked at each other, knowing we should probably let him have a minute alone, but Remy went forward as if to comfort him. At the sound of her footsteps, Tater’s head snapped up. He jumped to his feet.
“I’m fine,” he said gruffly.
Remy stopped and bit her lip as Tater rushed past her, back toward the others.
“It’s not you,” I assured her. “He just needs some time.”
She swallowed hard and nodded. The three of us walked slowly.
When we returned to camp I saw Tater sitting in the driver’s seat, his head leaned back with his eyes closed. The other guys had wiped the pan and all of the tin cups clean, and were packing everything away again. Texas Harry opened the map and laid it on our hood. He patted the side of the vehicle and called for Tater to get his ass out there, which he did.
“We’re here.” Tex pointed a thick finger at southwest Utah. “And we need to get here, in Great Salt Lake Desert.” His finger trailed up to northwest Utah. “That’s another three hundred miles. We can follow roads that parallel main routes, but we gotta get close enough to a city to raid a gas station. It might take a few tries to find one with gas and a generator.” He looked around with eyebrows raised, as if asking if we were up for it. We all nodded. It frazzled my nerves to think about, but we had to do it.
“Luckily, Utah is mountainous,” Texas Harry said. “Plenty of places to hide if we need to get out of sight.”
“We gotta watch for those rocks when we’re driving, though,” Devon said. “Mama’s van can’t handle off-roadin’ with all our heavy asses in there.”
“Not as heavy anymore,” New York Josh said, hiking up his camouflaged pants and pulling them out to show the inches he’d lost and the top of his blue boxer briefs over a strip of toned stomach. I noticed Remy tear her eyes away and stare pointedly in the direction of the mountains. These guys really needed to keep their shirts down.
“Let’s head out,” Texas Harry said. “Tater, if you need anything, just signal.”
Tater nodded. His face still appeared tight.
