“Devon was just coming up, so he’ll be there. And Tater’s eyes were shut.”
“Okay,” I said. I vowed to myself to check on my brother and talk to him every day.
I went in the bathroom to change into a nightshirt and brush my hair and teeth. I’d showered both last night and this morning, so I couldn’t do it again yet.
When I came back into the room Rylen was sitting on top of the covers on Remy’s side, his long legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. He was already deep into that book on his lap. He looked up and caught me staring.
“Oh, uh . . .” He glanced at the desk and chair. “I can sit over there.” He started to get up.
“No! No, it’s fine.” I climbed into bed and slipped into the sheets, making an accidental sound of pleasure. Oh, man, my muscles were screaming with release. A full belly, a soft bed, warmth, and this man by my side. I mean, he wasn’tmyman, but he was still here, so I’d take it.
I glanced up at him drowsily from where I was snuggled down like a kangaroo in a pouch. His eyes searched my face for what felt like forever before he spoke.
“You can sleep,” he said softly. “I’ll be here.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice.
New Year’s Eve came. Remy and I sat together and watched the festivities in the Lobby—mostly just dancing and mingling—without partaking in it ourselves. It was strange to see Remy on the sidelines at a party. She’d been quiet the past week, mostly chatting with the guys in her off time. But she was far from her old self. She kept a small smile on her face as she talked to them, but her body language showed she was closed off: arms crossed, keeping distance, never touching, even casually. Now and then I’d see her and Tater make eye contact, only for him to look away with a stiff coldness.
I’d tried to talk to him every day, but he wasn’t always having it. He didn’t open up to me again, and didn’t show any emotion as he’d done that night in his room. Rylen promised he’d keep an eye on him too.
Remy and I sat side by side on a loveseat against the far wall, looking out at the hundred-plus bodies crammed in the room, young men and women of various ages and races, all with military ties. It was so much louder than usual. There wasn’t much partying that went on in the bunker, that was for certain. And even now there were a ton of watch guards on duty outside. A sense of safety blanketed this place, but I think we all knew it was too good to be true. I was on my guard constantly, waiting for the moment when the DRI would find us.
Try to relax and have fun, I told myself. I sat back and exhaled.
Of course I knew where Rylen was in the room at any given time. My internal radar sensed him and followed his movement like a bonafide stalker. He sent glances my way now and then, as if checking on me. My stomach dipped each time I found his warm eyes on me, and then he’d go back to his conversations. The guys were good at meeting people. Remy and I? Not so much. And most of the women had their groups that they stuck with. Except Linette. She seemed to be friends with all of the guys. She was one of those girls who knew sports facts and loved to hunt. She made me look like a girly girl. I hated that I felt a little jealous of how she could command the attention of an entire room, and I especially despised the way she talked down to Remy.
Right now Remy was staring off, chewing her thumb nail. She used to get manicures every two weeks, and now she’d chewed them to nubs. Her hair was full of bright bounce again, but she’d lost a good bit of the voluptuousness that she’d always proudly displayed.
“Hey, Rem?” I said.
“Hm?” She still stared off.
“Want to go talk to anyone or dance?” I didn’t feel like dancing, but I’d do it for her.
“No, I’m okay.” She gave me a small smile.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Actually . . .” Remy pushed her hair behind her ears, casting her eyes downward. “There’s this group that meets after dinner on Mondays and Thursdays—a grief group—I was wondering if you’d go with me?”
Every ounce of guts inside of me sank like lead to the floor. I could not think of anything worse. I’d seen that group huddled together in one of the meeting rooms, all of them looking serious about something, but I hadn’t known what was going on. Yeah, I had a lot of shit in my head these days, but my method of coping had always been to keep it to myself, or occasionally confide in Mom.
Now my only choice was to stuff those feelings down deep inside of me. They were mine. My problem. No amount of talking would make them go away. And the thought of hearing everyone else’s stories made me sick to my stomach. Maybe that made me a bitch, but I just wasn’t good at it. Sharing and comforting. My entire job as a paramedic had centered around being with people in the most traumatic moments of their lives, and I had a way of stuffing each story deep inside of myself afterward, down into the darkness where I couldn’t see it or feel it anymore.
Remy shook her head when I didn’t answer. “Never mind, it’s okay.”
“No, I’ll go with you.”Damn it.“I’m just—you know I’m not good at that stuff. I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk, but I’ll be there to support you.”
The grateful look she gave me made me feel like the hugest jerk for not wanting to go.
“Ladies.” We both turned our heads up to the voice.
“Hi, First Sergeant,” I said. Remy and I both stood.
“Happy New Year,” Remy told him.
He pretended to tip an invisible hat to her. My dad would have liked this guy.
