I looked down at my black fatigues and boots. “Uh. I was just changing.” I pulled my shirt off and set it on the bed. Ciel’s eyes tracked over my chest. He looked to the dresser, cheeks darkening with pink. It set my heart thumping. I pulled on an old shirt and toed off my boots.
I watched the side of his face as he leaned over and inspected my collection of knick-knacks and trinkets—gifts from the people I’d saved before, passed on to me through Willow. His hair was particularly fluffy today, curling around his ears. I wanted to run my hand through it, feel the soft strands beneath my fingers. Feelhimbeneath me.
I swallowed, trying to banish the thoughts from my head. Awkward silence stretched between us.
“Thanks for the food.”
“I enjoy looking at these,” he said as he picked up a handmade paper swan. “Do you ever see them again? The people you saved?”
I sat down on my bed and rubbed the back of my neck. “No. Some stay at Willow’s haven. Some move on. But I rarely visit.”
He put the swan back down and picked up a wooden carving of a bunny. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “It…just doesn’t feel like my place. For most of those people, they only saw me surrounded by death. They don’t need to be reminded of that.”
Ciel set the bunny down and turned to look at me. “They wouldn’t send you gifts if they were fearful of you.”
“I—” I clasped my hands together in my lap. “It just wouldn’t be a good idea. They can heal with Willow. I wouldn’t want to disrupt that.”
He came over to sit next to me, close enough that his thigh pressed into the side of mine. “I think it would be good for you to see the results of your efforts, Wynn. You saved those people, and they’re grateful.”
“I do see the results,” I replied.
“You’re not seeing the results, only the pain.”
I kept my gaze locked on the ground so I wouldn’t have to see the earnestness in his icy blue eyes. “I know I made a difference for them. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. It makes me feel like...”
“Like you can wipe away your guilt by helping them, I know.” He sighed before reaching over and grabbing my hand from my lap. His fingers tangled with mine. “I’ve told you this before, but you don’t have to rebalance any kind of cosmic scales. You’re a good man, Wynn. As good as any of us can be.”
I tried to pull my hand away, but he refused to let me go. “I will be. One day.”
Iwouldredeem the death and pain I’d caused. My mentor showed me it was possible if I just worked hard enough and did the right things. But that was why I couldn’t just sit here and let my brothers and Leona do all the work. I had to get out there, even if it meant sneaking out from under Ciel’s watchful eye.
“Why did you walk away from me and Leona?” he asked softly. “In my room the other day?”
He’d been on his knees before her. Her skin had been flushed, and her chest had heaved, breathless. I’d seen the slick of her on his mouth anddesperatelywished I could kiss it from his lips, taste both of them at the same time. I wanted to hold their pleasures in the palm of my hand, make them both fall to pieces in front of me.
But they both deservedbetter.
They didn’t deserve a fuck up. I wouldn’t let myself have them until I’d fixed this mess. I needed to prove to them that I wouldn’t fail them.
I stood, pulling my hand from his. “You two were fine. I didn’t need to be involved.”
“I wanted you to be.”
My gaze snapped back to his, heating momentarily, before I inhaled and exhaled. I shuttered the emotion away. “I—there’s too much…”
Ciel stood, stepping closer. “You can talk to me,cariño.”
That word again. I didn’t deserve it.
“There’s nothing to say,” I whispered. This was my burden to carry. He and Leona already did far too much for me. I wouldn’t put this on them, too. My gaze caught on the backpack I’d shoved under my bed. “Thanks again for the food. I’m exhausted. I’m going to head to sleep.”
“Okay.” He stepped back, his face forlorn. He shifted from foot to foot, glancing at my bed. “Do you want me to stay?”
I wanted that.
I wanted that so badly.
