“Same.”
“Me too.”
I grinned as the plan inside my head took shape. I pulled my phone out and sent a text to Fallon. When she answered back almost immediately, I knew we could do this.
All I had to do was get the guys on board.
59
WYNN
Leona asked Ximena, Ludmila, Claire, and Penny dozens of questions, but I’d barely been paying attention. I should have been, I knew that, but my head was reeling.
My feet had been swept out from under me.
When I’d hugged Willow goodbye, she’d whispered in my ear that she hoped I could finally see the truth about myself, and that once I had, I’d find peace.
Her words had replayed in my head the entire ride home. Leona had been quiet, but more thoughtful than upset or nervous. In fact, she felt like she’d found peace. She’d spent some time at Selene and Ofelia’s memorial site before we left, holding hands with Penny, and though she’d cried, it had eased her. She felt calm as her head pressed into my back while we rode.
When we made it back to the penthouse, she’d kissed me and thanked me for going with her before saying she was going to take a shower and talk to Cas. I didn’t know what else to do besides go back to my room, but as soon as I changed, my feet carried me through the penthouse.
I burst into Ciel’s room before I even knew what I was doing.
“Wynn?” he asked, energy drink frozen half-way to his mouth.The light from his computer screens reflected on his glasses, obscuring his eyes.
“Am I a good man?” I asked. My chest had been tight for hours, and my words were breathless.
His eyebrows pinched together. “What?”
“Am I a good man?”
He stood slowly from the computer chair, confusion etched across his face. “I believe you are.”
“But I’ve killed people. So many people.”
“You have.”
“So then how am I good?” I asked. My voice dropped to a whisper. “How can I be good if I’ve done so many bad things? And how can I be worthy of your love, of Leona’s love, if I’m not good?”
“Where—where is this coming from?” he asked carefully.
If his bed were here, and not currently in the living room, I probably would have collapsed on it. Instead, I paced around his room. “The women at Willow’s haven. They were happy to see me. Grateful. I feltgoodthere. Like my life had purpose and meaning. I’d already helped them and made our fucked-up world just a little better, but doesn’t that prove my point? That to be good I have to keep redeeming myself? I have to keep saving them?”
“You’ve been trying to make up for your mistakes by redeeming yourself with good actions?”
I nodded. It had always made sense to me, but now I was questioning everything.
He stepped in front of me, blocking my pacing, and pressed a palm to my chest. “That alone is what makes you a good—a good man.”
I swallowed. “I’m violent and dark and bloody. I’ve hurt many more than I’ve helped.”
“None of us are good in the standard sense of the word, Wynn. Our morals are twisted and gray, butyouare the best ofus,” Ciel continued. “You’ve always tried to make up for what we do, even though you’ve never had to. No one is holding a measurement to your actions and determining your value but yourself. Not in this household. It’s taken me a long time to learn that, too.”
My voice lowered to a whisper. “Then why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like nothing I do will ever make up for my sins?”
“I don’t know,” Ciel said gently. “You tell me.”
My mind raced while I tried to tease it apart. It all started with the first man I killed. Willow and my captors. I didn’t want to kill him—I was only thirteen—but there was no way out. No way for us to get free. I couldn’t let her do it. I was the only one who could kill him. Once I did, I felt so sick to my stomach that I threw up on the dirty floor of that dingy kitchen.
