My jaw worked as I tried to make sense of what she was saying. Everything was supposed to be fine because I should think of it as a stepping-stone in the grand scheme of things?
“But he still lied. They all did,” I continued. “Obi treats me like I’m a complete idiot. Cas clearly didn’t think enough of me to tell me the truth. Wynn was scared. Ryuji is selfish?—”
“And that’s on them.” Her voice went hard. “They’ve got their own flaws that most likely have very little to do with you. But when are you going to believe that you’re good enough on your own?”
A shock of pain twisted in my gut as I sucked in a breath. “We can’t do this—be in a relationship, create a new future—if they lie to me, if they don’t believe in me.”
“They lied and schemed, and you’re right. That’s on him, that’s on all of them,” she agreed. “Honesty is critical for any relationship. But your father’s men believing in Caspian doesnotmean they don’t believe in you, or that you don’t deserve their faith. You are powerful, Leona. But you’re only as powerful as you let yourself believe.”
“You’re taking on too much,” Willow added, reaching across the bed to grab my hand. “Their lies were wrong. But you have proven time and time again how you deserve to stand beside them.”
Emotion choked my throat.
That was all I really wanted. I didn’t want to let them down. I didn’t want to make those huge promises, only to disappoint them all. Ourliveswere at stake here. I just wanted to be worthy of their dedication and hard work.
I wanted to be worthy of their love.
“But how can I trust them?” I whispered.
Fallon smiled sadly. “People make mistakes, especially when they’re worried about hurting the people they love or they’re afraid of being hurt. Haven’t you made mistakes, too?”
People make mistakes when they’re worried about hurting the people they love or they’re afraid of being hurt. The words struck me like a blow to the heart.
I’d been trying to fix my mistake by becoming the strongest version of myself possible. I’d been taking on as much responsibility as I could to become the leader I thought they wanted me to be. Was that wrong?
“Cas loves ya,” Fallon said.
“I know he does.”
“No.” She shook her head. “Five years ago, he broke up with me because he lovesyou. He always has. He just made a mistake because he thought he was protecting ya.”
A tear slipped down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away.
“Don’t you want to be forgiven for your mistakes, too?” Willow asked. “Isn’t that part of being in a relationship?”
“Shit.” I rubbed my eyes at the waterfall threatening to cascade down my cheeks. I had been trying to earn their forgiveness for fucking up at Ryuji’s club for weeks. I’d done allof this to try and make up for how I messed things up then. “Of course.”
“Caspian is a worthy partner of ya,” Fallon said. “Your father’s men see that. Even with Max engaged to Chiara, another mafia princess of a powerful name, those men would turn on someone theyknowis deadly in order to follow you both. Don’t you think that means something?”
“Maybe,” I whispered. Maybe I was thinking about it all wrong.
I’d told ObiI will not stand behind you.
At the time, I’d wanted to prove I could be our leader. But I’d missed the point entirely. It wasn’tmeanymore. It wasus.
We should standbesideone another.
Shouldn’t we all equally carry the weight of charging forward into our future?
Willow grabbed my hand and squeezed.
“The lies? Yeah, fucked up.” Fallon shrugged. “The marriage? I know you don’t want to be a pawn in this game, but maybe stop thinking of yourself as the pawn and start thinking of yourself as the player. You are a chess piece on this board, but playyourself, Leona. Play the game and win.”
Play the game and win.
“We are queens, all of us.” She stretched in a gesture while looking at Willow, Zoya, and me. “We get to decide what power looks like to us. But we have to believe in ourselves enough to take it.”
Well, fuck.
