My brain felt fried. My body felt like lead.
By the third time I failed to keep a coherent idea of what I wanted to accomplish today, I finally realized.
We needed a rest day.
“Buenos días,” a quiet voice said from behind me.
I yelped, spinning on my heel to see Ciel seated at the table with a cup of coffee.
“Ciel,” I said with a laugh, “you scared me.”
“Sorry.”
I poured myself a cup from the warm pot and sat next to him. “What are you doing up already? I thought you’d sleep until tonight, at least.”
He shrugged, clutching his cup resting between his hands. “I can’t get my brain to stop.”
I knew exactly what that felt like. Spinning thoughts, jumping from place to place. Unending.
“Will you tell me what you’re thinking?” I asked. “I’m worried about you, Ciel.”
He rested his forehead on the table. “I just—I am glad he’s dead. My parents can finally rest in peace. But…”
“But?”
“But I thought I’d feel more grounded, not less.”
“You thought it would feel different? To finally kill them?”
He nodded. “And I guess I just don’t understand why it feels more of the same.”
I stood and pulled his body straight so I could slide onto his lap. His hands rested on my hips. “I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you why it didn’t help.”
The truth was, Ciel got the very same revenge I had been looking for, and hearing him say it didn’t feel any different made me nervous. I didn’t need revenge the same way I thought I did before I met the Shadows. Their love, our life together, our visions for our future, were more than enough to help me heal from what Max did to us.
Yet I still feared that when we finallydidkill him…I would feel even worse.
With his head resting against my chest, Ciel rubbed his thumb in circles on my waist. I ran my fingers through his hair.
“Did you ever grieve them?”
“I thought I did.” He sighed, breath tickling my neck. “It was so long ago.”
“I’m not sure I ever grieved my dad. Not really.” At first, we were jumping from one life-threatening scenario to the next. And then, once I found out the truth about him, it didn’t feel like he deserved it. But he was still my father.Cuore mio,he’d called me since I was a baby.
Ciel looked up. “You’ve been on the run, and then we’ve been working on our future.”
“I know. Part of me worries it’s all going to catch up with me one day. Hit me like a freight train.” I cupped his cheek. “Maybe that’s what’s happening to you.”
“Maybe,” he murmured. “I just feel like I should be healed. Relieved. I don’t know, fuckingsomething. I just feel numb.”
I leaned forward and kissed him, soft and slow. “Ciel, you are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. Grieve, process, celebrate, or simply move on. It doesn’t matter. There’s no one right way to handle killing the person who murdered your parents.”
A tiny smile pulled up the corner of his lips. “You mean you haven’t written the manual yet?”
I laughed. “Let’s write it together once we kill Max.”
“Deal.”
