She cranks her arm back like a baseball pitcher and throws the ring into theFleuveSaint-Laurent.
I gasp as I watch it arc through the air and disappear with a plop, the ripples getting swallowed up by the waves in an instant.
“DeeDee—”
“J’men câlisse de ?a.” Her face gets hard, fire burning inside her, and even though I’m pretty sure I get the gist of what she just said, she translates for my benefit. “Fuck that shit. I’m done. I’m done with it. I’m done with not living my life.”
She hasn’t even glanced at the water since throwing the ring.
“I applied to Cheveluxe, that haircutting school I always wanted to go to. I got in.”
A shy smile breaks through her righteous fury for a second, and I start to say something to express how astounded—howproudI am, but she cuts me off again.
“I started seeing my psychologist lady again too. I’m...I’m working really hard, Zach, and maybe it’s still gonna take time, but I want to believe I have everything I need. Just me. I have to believe that.”
My breath catches in my throat, almost choking me, and a shard of dread shoots up my spine.
Maybe she’s not here to say what I thought she was.
“I also want to believe there’s a way to have people in my life while still being my own person, to be close to people without being so fucking scared they’re going to leave.” She stares down at the boards beneath our feet, her voice dropping lower, like she’s speaking to herself as much as me. “Thereisa way to have both those things.”
A family of tourists sidles up next to us and takes a few selfies. We stay silent as we wait for them to leave.
“Zach.” She looks back up at me. “My life is so much better with you in it.Everythingis better with you. My life won’t fall apart without you. I needed to know that, and now I do, but I also know...”
She takes a few deep breaths, and when her eyes lock with mine, they’re blazing with more certainty that I’ve ever seen in her before.
“I know that you’re the first person I want to see when I wake up. You’re the person I want to have breakfast with in the morning. I want to look into my kitchen and see you making your peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. I want to bring you coffee when you’re working hard in your weird little closet-office. I want kissing you to be the first thing I do when I get home from the bar. I want to share every story with you, every joke, and every meme you will make fun of because you don’t understand that I’m better at memes than you are. I want you to hold me when I’m crying. I want to hug you when you’re sad. I want to wear your flannel shirts around the house and distract you until you bend me over the couch. I want to havesomuch sex, Zach.”
Her voice trembles, and she bites down on her bottom lip for a second. I don’t know how she can make me feel like tearing up and have me wanting her this bad all at the same time, but that’s part of the magic of DeeDee.
“Mostly, though, I...” She steps a little closer. “I want the chance to love you, Zach, if you will let me have it.”
I’m about to drop to my knees and tell her she can have anything she wants. I’m ready to declare that for the whole port to hear, but I stop myself.
There’s something I need to say first.
“DeeDee, I...” I take both her hands in mine. “You have no idea what it means to hear you say that. I want all those things too. More than I can say. I just...”
Her features tighten with pain. She closes her eyes and breathes deep like she’s bracing herself.
“It’s too late,” she states, like it’s a fact she has to accept.
“DeeDee, what? No!” I drop her hands and grip her upper arms instead. “It’s not too late at all. This is...We both needed this time, and I’m so glad you asked for it. It—Well, to be honest, it hurt like a bitch, but I know you needed to figure some stuff out, and I figured some stuff out too.”
“Oh?” Some of her hope returns.
“I want to do this more than I’ve wanted to do anything before, but I have to know wearedoing this. The testing the waters thing...I just...This is so much more than that to me, and I can’t do that again. I need to set some limits before we do this. I need to tell you whatIneed, and right now, what I need is to know. I need to know...that...that...”
“Zach.”
She brings one of her hands up to cup my cheek. I close my eyes and let all the air whoosh out of my lungs before twisting to press my lips to her palm.
“Zach,” she murmurs, “I’m not testing the waters. You don’t have to worry or wonder, okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Are you sure?” I look at her again, searching.
She grins, just a faint little smile like she’s nervous about letting herself be too happy just yet, but it’s open and honest and real.
