I pat him on the shoulder. “One day you will find a beautiful girl who likes carabiners as much as you do.”
Then I do a Broadway musical-style jump off the platform and wait for Roxanne to arrive. It’s only another few seconds before she’s speeding down the line, letting out something that sounds like a mix of a laugh and a scream.
“Câlisse, that was fun!” She jumps down to meet me after getting unclipped and holds her hands up for a double high five.
We watch the next person come speeding down, taking in the sight of how fast we were going just seconds ago, before turning to head down the pier. I grab Roxanne’s arm, and she laughs and drags her feet when I try to get her to skip with me.
“You screamed so loud,” she teases, “but it seems like you had a good time.”
“I did!” I reply. “I’ve seen that zip line before, and I never wanted to go on it. When you said that’s what you had tickets for, I wanted to turn around and, I don’t know, steal a pedal boat and get away from here as fast as I could, but...”
“But what?” she prompts as we reach the boardwalk.
“I guess then I just thought, ‘Fuck it.’ I’m supposed to be facing my fears, and here they are.”
Roxanne gives my arm a squeeze. “Facing your fears, huh?”
She still doesn’t know what happened with Zach. Even though today was supposed to be a fun adventure, all I want to do now is sit and talk. There are so many thoughts and ideas bubbling inside me, fighting to be the first to get out. I’d probably sit down on a bench and talk to myself if Roxanne wasn’t here.
“You want to get tacos?” she asks as we pass a food truck. “I’m starving.”
We get two tacos each—fish for me, chicken for Roxanne—and take our cardboard containers over to an empty bench.
“It’s beautiful out,” Roxy comments after scarfing down her first taco in just a few bites.
I stretch my bare legs out in front of me. It’s probably too early for shorts, but I don’t care. I’m a ‘sun’s out, Daisy Duke’s out’ kind of girl.
“It is. I missed the summer so much.”
My zip line high starts to fade a little as we eat. As big as the moment felt, I know it didn’t change everything. My whole life isn’t going to fall into place because I got attached to a cable in the air and rode down it screaming for a few seconds. There’s still work to do—but I think the difference is now I feel ready to do it.
“Is the right choice supposed to make you sad?” I blurt.
Roxanne raises her eyebrows and swallows her last bite.
“What did they put in your tacos?” she jokes.
“Crack,” I joke back. “But really, I’m serious.”
“I know.” She sets her container down beside her. “Um, hmm, that’s a big question that probably deserves a lot of thought, but I’ll just go with my gut and say yes. Sometimes making the best choice is really fucking hard. Sometimes the line between what’s right and what’s wrong is so thin you feel like you can’t win either way, but I still think that line is always there.”
If anybody knows what it’s like to break up with someone you still love, it’s Roxanne.
“So how do you know which choice is the right one?”
She settles onto the bench a little more. “Monroe would have a more profound answer, probably supported by a quote from some nineteenth century novel, but I guess...I think you just know. Even when both options are painful, one is going to hurt in a way that slowly tears you apart, and one is going to hurt in a way that lets you get a little bit stronger with every day that passes.”
I bring my hands together and applaud. “Monroe would be proud.”
She laughs for a moment and then turns so her body is facing me, leaning in close with an expression so serious I can’t look away. “DeeDee, what happened with you and Zach?”
I want to learn to be alone, and unloading my whole story on Roxanne seems like the opposite of independence, but I’m starting to see there’s a difference between holding onto someone so tight it hurts you both and simply leaning on a shoulder.
So I lean on Roxanne for a little while. I start at the very beginning. I share a bit of how I grew up, and I even hint at what happened with Clém before telling her about Zach and I. She sits in silence the whole time, squeezing my hand whenever I stumble over my words or pause to take a few breaths before going on.
“And now he’s working that new job for Monroe, so I won’t even see him at the bar anymore. He’s just gone. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen, and I’m the one whomadeit happen. I asked for it.” I wipe a few tears away, angry they’re falling. I want to be stronger than this. “I know this is what I needed. I know it, but I keep thinking of the way he sounded when he said he needed me.”
I let out a long, shaky breath. Roxy stays quiet beside me for a few moments.
