“You’ll see when we get there.”
“Ugh!” I lean over and butt my head against her shoulder. “Tell me!”
She doesn’t give in. We get off near the Old Port and walk along the boardwalk for a while. The tourists are still showing up in huge crowds that will only get bigger as the summer goes on. Everyone is drinking slushies and eating things like pretzels and cotton candy. I hear a few kids begging their parents to ride the giant Ferris wheel.
“Are we going on it?” I ask Roxy as we get closer.
“Good guess, but no. That’s not it.”
We continue for another few feet before I recognize the booth we’re heading to. A chill runs up my spine.
“Come on!” Roxanne turns around to face me where I’ve stopped walking and motions for me to follow her.
“Wait. Roxy, are we going on the zip line?”
She shuffles her feet. “Maaaaybe.”
I don’t move.
“What is it? Are you scared of heights?”
“Non, I just...”
I trail off and lift my head to watch a guy shoot down the zip line over our heads, kicking his feet and swearing at the top of his lungs. I stand there watching as he reaches the bottom and the next person comes flying along. It’s a girl this time, and she’s laughing.
I shudder, my heart getting faster and faster as the blood thumps in my ears.
I don’t mind elevators or tall buildings. I’ve climbed a lot of fire escapes while drunk before. I even spent one summer hooking up with this guy who was a skydiving instructor, and he took me out to the airfield to go with him one weekend—but I wasstrapped to his bodythe whole time.
There’s no one to strap onto up on that zip line. It’s not like a fire escape ladder where there’s always someone climbing up behind me or waiting to give me their hand at the top. It only takes a few seconds to go down that line, but it’s a few seconds all on your own.
Just the idea of it makes my chest feels like it’s too small for my lungs. It’s the same breathlessness I felt when my dad drove away, or when my sister’s dad drove away withher. It’s how I felt during all those years our house was way too quiet. It’s how I felt sitting in my apartment waiting all night for Clém to come home while the hours ticked by on that stupid, stupid clock. It’s how I felt when I fell to my knees in the alley after ending things with Zach: like I couldn’t get enough air in, like I needed someone else to help me breathe.
Helpless.
I am so fuckingsickof being helpless.
I lift my shaking hand to shade my eyes from the sun and watch a third person launch off the edge of the platform. She can’t be any older than thirteen. She leans back in the harness and does some kind of gymnastics straddle while she shouts, “Woo hoo!” A bunch of girls her age stand by the edge of the boardwalk with their phones pointed at her, cheering her on.
She looks fearless.
“Let’s do it.”
I grab Roxanne’s hand and take off running with her tripping along behind me before I can change my mind.
I bounce on my heels as Roxanne shows the guy at the booth the tickets on her phone. She gives me a few concerned looks, but I just shake my head as I pull sharp, short breaths in through my nose. If I hesitate, I’ll lose my nerve. I need to do thisnow. We have to sign some kind of waiver thing and listen to an explanation before they hand us our helmets and harnesses. The adrenaline is rushing through me, pumping in my ears so loud I don’t hear any of the safety guy’s speech.
When they finally say it’s time to climb to the top, I take off up the stairs that lead to the starting point like I’m trying to win an Olympic medal. There’s a guy with a man-bun waiting up there. He’s pretty hot, actually, but I’m too terrified to even give him a flirty smile. My stomach is churning, and my heart is beating so damn loud it makes it hard to hear what he’s saying.
“You ready?” he asks.
I close my eyes and nod. I hear him chuckling as he checks my harness and attaches me to the line.
“You remember what they told you at the bottom?” he asks.
I shake my head. I still have my eyes closed.
He chuckles again. “It slows down and stops on its own when you get to the bottom, so all you’ve got to do is sit back and enjoy.”
