But it’s not. It’s been getting worse, not better, and the closer I get to him, the more I realize I’m not ready for this. I’m leaning on him too much.
That’s not a relationship. Being with Zach has taught me that even after all the boyfriends I’ve had, I barely know the first thing about relationships, but I know that. I know that what we’re doing isn’t working.
“It isn’t.” I pull away from him. “It’s not.”
His face is a pained grimace as he stares at me in the shadowy alley.
“If it’s not okay now, then it will be. I know it’s hard, but we have to believe that. It’s the only way this is going to work.”
I stay silent. The longer I look at him, the more I feel like something is shifting into place, like some big idea is growing in my brain, inflating like a balloon with a message on it I really need to read.
“DeeDee, I will give you all the time you need,” Zach continues, “and this can be whatever you want it to be, but I just...I need to know that you want it, that you’re in this with me. Maybe it’s selfish to ask for commitment so soon, but I really needsomething. I have to know you want it.”
I do want it. I want it so bad my arms are aching to hold him. My legs are trembling with how bad they want to close the distance between us, and my mouth wants to kiss every part of him I can reach instead of saying what I have to say next.
But I have to say it. I can’t keep running into the arms of every guy who happens to be there—even if that guy is Zach.Especiallyif that guy is Zach. He is the last person in the world to deserve this, to deserve the way I use other people to fill myself up.
I can’t keep turning the people around me into walls to keep the wolves away. The wolves aren’t outside, anyway. They got in a long time ago, and they’re just chewing me apart. They’re going to chew Zach apart if I let them.
“That’s not selfish, Zach.” I ball my fists at my sides and breathe deep. “I’m the one who is selfish.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It is true. I keep asking and never giving. I don’t think I really know how to give—at least not what you’ve given me. You shouldn’t be with someone who can’t give that back to you.”
“You’ve given me so much—”
“I haven’t,” I cut him off. “We...We have to be honest, Zach. Do you really think I’m giving you everything you need?”
He stays quiet, and I know that even if he doesn’t want to, he’s starting to see the truth just like me.
“How do we fix this?” he begs. “Tell me how, and I’ll do it. I’ll tell you what I need, and you’ll tell me what you need, and we’ll—we’ll make it work! You are too important to me to just let go.”
I can’t stop myself from crying again, but I don’t go to him. I can’t. This will only repeat itself, and I can’t do that to us.
“You are too important to me to keep hanging on.”
He throws his hands up in the air before dragging them through his hair, and it’s one of the only times I’ve seen him get truly angry. “That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Yes, it does,” I argue. “Have you ever heard of facing your fears?”
“Of course, but I fail to see why that means we can’t be together. You’re scared of being together, aren’t you? So let’s face it!”
“Zach.” He’s started pacing up and down the alley, and I wait for him to stop. “Do you want to know what I am really, really afraid of—what I have spent my wholemauditlife being so scared of it feels like I can’t breathe?”
He stares at me, waiting.
“Being alone. I am so, so scared of being alone. I feel it every single day, and I hate it. I hate that I am always running from it. It feels like I can never, ever slow down. It makes me feelfaible. Weak. It makes me feel like I am grabbing onto everyone in my life like some kind of...of...monkey! I am a monkey, and you’re not going to want me on your back forever, Zach. I don’t want to be like that forever either. I want to choose you because I am runningtoyou, not because I’m running from something else.”
I’m panting by the time I finish, and Zach is staring at me like I just threw a sack of bricks at his chest. I don’t blame him for being shocked; I didn’t even know I had all that to say until I was saying it.
He stumbles back until he’s leaning against the wall of the bar. We stare at each other for a long, long time. I can see his chest rising and falling. He looks so handsome with his hair all messed up, and the little flowers in his shirt pocket are so sweet all I want to do is kiss him, but there’s no going back now.
“Is that true?” he rasps. “That’s really how you feel?”
The tears keep streaming down my cheeks as I nod once. He stares at me for a long moment of agonizing silence.
“Okay,” he finally says. His face is all hard lines. “Okay. I...Okay.”
