Hanging out with Zach and Hope tonight has been like falling into rhythm I’ve somehow always known, like getting pulled into a dance and discovering your feet already know the steps. The way we talk and laugh and tease the shit out of each other is so natural, so easy. At first I really did treat Hope like a celebrity, like a girl from a storybook who jumped right off the page, but the longer I spend with the two of them, the more this starts to shift into something that’s both huge and crazy and simple and small all at once.
This feels like family. This feels likehome, and it doesn’t make any sense because my home was never like this. My home was the place I was always trying to run from—out into the street to find the other kids, into houses that were full of more noise and people and fun than mine, into parks and parties and eventually the arms of whatever guy was standing there when I came looking. I was always running away from the wolves, running away from the silent places I could hear the howling.
I never really thought much about what I was runningto. It didn’t really matter, onlythis—this bubbling feeling of belonging I get when I think about Zach’s grateful smile after he saw Hope’s hair or how he’s held my hand under every table we’ve sat at tonight—this is something to run to, cling to, to hold onto and never let go of.
I’m just so sick of being the girl who holds on too tight. I’m so sick of the fear that’s waiting to swallow me around every corner.
“No fucking way!” We’re heading to the bar to grab a round when Hope starts waving like a crazy person at someone coming off the dance floor. “Tasia!”
The girl, who has jet black hair and about five different piercings in her face, looks around at the sound of Hope’s shout and then starts waving too as she rushes over.
“Hope! What the hell are you doing here?”
“I’m visiting my idiot brother!”
Zach crosses his arms where he’s standing beside me. “Um, hello.”
Hope pats him on the shoulder. “This is him, and that’s his, uh, friend, DeeDee. Zach and DeeDee, this is Tasia. She’s on my lacrosse team at school.” She turns back to her friend. “Now, what the hell areyoudoing here?”
Tasia gestures to some people on the dance floor. “Just visiting friends in town for a few days.”
The two of them start chatting about school, and Zach reaches out to brush his fingers over my arm.
“Hey.”
I move a little closer to him. “Hey.”
“You okay?”
He always seems to know when something is up with me, sometimes even before I do, but I don’t want tonight to get serious. For now, I just want to keep having fun. This feels like the real kind of fun—not just a distraction to fill empty moments. The fun I have with Zach is the kind that keeps me laughing even when we’re not together.
So I joke around instead of telling him the truth—that I’m scared and nervous and excited at the same time. I cover it up by rolling my eyes and tossing my hair over my shoulder. “I am fine, Zachy Zach. I have not had that much to drink.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
He is taking none of my shit.
“I know what you meant.” I drop my eyes to the floor, and my fingers find my grandmother’s ring to start twisting it around. “I—”
Whatever pop punk song was just playing ends, and the whole club goes crazy when the beginning of ‘Sweetness’ by Jimmy Eat World starts up.
Hope grabs my hand. “Come on! We have to dance.”
I keep my feet where they are even as she pulls on my arm and look back at Zach. He’s watching me with his eyebrows drawn together and his mouth in a hard line.
“You’re gonna miss it!” Hope warns as she takes off with Tasia.
“Zach.” I step closer to him and put my hands on his shoulders. “I...”
He lays one of his palms on my back. “What is it?”
But I can’t say it. I don’t have the words.
“I really like this song.” I stare straight into his blue eyes. I can see the neon sign behind the bar reflected in them. I stare and stare, hoping he’ll read something in my eyes too. “Will you dance with me?”
“Always.”
Always.
