I let a few seconds pass.
“Vraiment? That’s what you were trying to tell me? The Norse mythology lesson really got the point across, Monroe. Really.”
She laughs into the phone. “You are such a smartass when you’re depressed.”
“It was helpful, though,” I admit. “Thank you.”
The mood turns suddenly serious.
“Anytime. I’m here for you.”
“I wish you werehere,” I tell her, clutching the phone tight in my hand. “Actually, I wish I wasthereeven more.”
“I miss you.” Her voice wavers. “Everyone does. DeeDee’s driving me crazy asking when you’re coming back all the time. I’m really happy you got this opportunity, but...Montreal is never the same when you’re not here.”
“I miss you too, and I miss the city. Toronto is...It’s notme.I think part of me took this job just to prove to myself that I could be something...more than Montreal.” I have to swallow before admitting the truth. “I wanted to feel like I was more than just the Roxanne of ‘Roxanne and Cole.’ I thought physical distance would do it, but I don’t know if I really needed that.”
“Uh huh?” Monroe prompts.
I feel like we’re having some sort of over-the-bar chat right now. She really is a natural at bartending.
“If you want to change, you have to change more than the world around you,” I say slowly. “You have to change yourself, and I think I’m finally doing that. The therapy is really helping. All these things I used to blame myself for—I’m learning to stop carrying them around. What happened with mymaman...It wasn’t my fault. It’s taken me years to realize that, but...I do.” I repeat the words with even more conviction. “It wasn’t my fault.”
“Roxy...”
I hear her sniffle.
“Câlice, Monroe, are you crying? I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you cry—”
“Don’t apologize,” she insists, still sniffling. “It’s just that I’ve waitedsolong to hear you say that. You’re my best friend, and I just...I just...”
She’s full-on crying now, and it starts me up crying too.
“Ben, look at us,” I choke out through the tears. “We’re like a couple of hormonal pregnant women.”
“I swear to god, Roxy, if you announce you’re pregnant, there is no mythological symbol that’s going to help me talk you through that one.”
“Noted,” I reply, as I swipe at my eyes.
“So what’s the deal?” she asks, both of us sounding steadier. “Are you keeping the job?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I really do think I needed to leave to get through to Cole—as much as it may have hurt him—but I don’t know if I should stay here. Like I said, it’s just not me. I’ll try to make it work. I wanted a challenge, and I’ve definitely got one, but I don’t know if it’s worth the fight.”
“Give it a few weeks,” Monroe suggests. “My couch is always waiting if you decide to come back.”
It’s possibly the most comforting thing she could have said. No matter what happens, that damn couch—the same one I slept on for a year when I was seventeen—still has a spot for me, and Monroe still has a hug, an obscure literary reference, and an elderflower cordial with my name on it.
