She ends the call, but the guys don’t join me in picking up their instruments.
“What?” I ask when I turn around after slinging my bass strap over my shoulder and find them all still sitting down.
Matt raises an eyebrow. “You’ll fix this? Really? Look, Cole, if you can’t get her on the tour, then we need to—”
“I said what I said.” I regret the harshness as soon as it leaves my mouth. Matt doesn’t deserve this shit either, but it’s like everything I say these days comes out hostile. “She’ll do the tour. We’re not back together, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll tell her I fucked up on the contract and that we still need her. She’s not going to let everyone down.”
I’m spouting bullshit right now. Roxanne is going to be pissed, and in all likelihood, she’s going to leave me where I deserve to be left: in a shit storm of my own creation.
“Just go over there and bang her brains out,” Ace drawls, “or whatever it is you always do to get her back.”
I glare at him. “Fuck you.”
“What?” he scoffs, looking at the other guys for support. “That’s how you two work, isn’t it?Tabarnak, breaking up is practically your foreplay.”
I take a step forward until I’m standing directly in front of his armchair. “I saidfuck you. It’s not a game. Don’t fucking trivialize it.”
He looks like he’s going to try making a comeback, but then decides better and holds up his hands in surrender.
“Sorry. That was out of line. Look, we all just want you back together. It’s where you guys belong. Anyone can see that. Well, apparently anyone except you two...”
I give him another warning glare before shuffling back to my couch.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I retort to the room at large.
Now even Matt is getting in on the action. He lets out a chuckle.
“Of course he doesn’t. You’re not exactly forthcoming with information, Byrne.”
“Because it’s not your business,” I grumble.
Matt’s not giving up. “Isn’t it? We’re yourfriends, Cole, and you’re miserable. You can’t tell us you don’twantto get back toge—”
“Of course I want that!” I snap before I can stop myself. “I can barely play that fucking song when we’re not together. You all laugh about us breaking up all the time, but you have no idea what it’s like to have someone in your life like that for so long. You have no fucking clue how that feels, so stop telling me how easy it would be for us to get back together or how convenient it would make things for everyone else. It’s not easy. It’s the farthest fucking thing from easy.”
I lunge for my water bottle and drain it, the blood pounding in my head and filling the silence of the room. That’s the most I’ve ever said about Roxanne to the band. That might even be the most I’ve ever said to the band, period. JP was right; Roxanne and I don’t usually go this long without trying again. It’s splitting me at the seams to keep going on like this, and I can feel their eyes on me as they watch it happen.
Cool it, I warn myself.Fucking cool it.
I chuck my water bottle onto the couch beside me and run the back of my hand over my mouth, staring at a stain on the carpet.
“We good?” I ask gruffly.
“Uh...we good,” JP answers slowly. “Are, uh,yougood?”
Matt doesn’t bother waiting for my answer.
“Cole,” he says, shifting forwards and resting his hands on his knees, “you’ve gotta fix this, man. For the band, yeah, but also for you. You either need to fix things with her, or fix things with yourself, but whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.”
He doesn’t seem to expect a response, and I don’t give him one, but my reply echoes in my head all the same.
You’re right. It’s not working.
* * *
Should I call her?
The sunset is fading when I get home from rehearsal. I stare down at the street below my balcony, cast in the shadow of the skyscraper across the street. The sidewalk is choked with people; it’s the hour when everyone is either heading home late from work or heading out early for dinner. This city pulses with expectation. People here live to socialize. They live for the parties, for the concerts and festivals, for the grand openings and the simple afternoons in the park. They live for connection.
