4Hell || Tegan and Sara
ROXANNE
“I still can’t believeyou coerced me into doing this.”
I’m out on my balcony a few days later, splitting Thai takeout with Kay, another friend I don’t make nearly enough time to see. She’s been dating Sherbrooke Station’s drummer Matt for god knows how long now, and we bonded through attending dozens of band-related events together.
She’s spent the past few days convincing me to go to a show JP is playing tonight. He has his own solo project outside of Sherbrooke Station and scored a gig at MURAL Fest, Montreal’s annual street art festival. Kay begged me to come with her and assured me that the rest of Sherbrooke Station would be busy helping JP out backstage.
“You won’t even see him,” she’d urged, without having to ask why I hesitated.
I still wouldn’t agree until JP himself called me and requested my support as a ‘fellow French Canadian who is surrounded by English people all the time.’ I’m not super close with Matt or Ace, but JP pops into the café from time to time, and I consider him a friend. This is his biggest show yet, and I’d be an asshole to avoid it just because I’ll possibly catch a glimpse of Cole.
“You’ll have fun,” Kay assures me, as we sit cross-legged on my wicker couch while Montreal’s sky fades from orange to purple, the sunset reflecting off the glass buildings downtown. “Speaking of fun, you excited for your vacation?”
“Yeah,” I reply around a mouthful of Pad Thai. “I have some bookkeeping stuff to catch up on, but other than that, my three weeks are wide open.”
I know I should sound more excited. I can’t remember the last time I took a vacation. I’m at Café Alexandre six days a week for most of the year, so I felt justified asking for three weeks off to tour this summer. I’m still keeping the time for myself, but I feel the sting of disappointment when I think of everything I’m going to miss out on with the band.
“Sherbrooke Station’s tour manager called me a few days ago,” I tell Kay. “I told him my contract got cancelled months ago. Turns out Cole forgot to do it. He’s supposed to fix it now.”
Kay picks up on the uneasiness in my tone.
“They always end up scrambling around just before a tour,” she assures me as she shifts her glasses up her nose. “Matt’s driving me fucking insane. I’m sure things will get sorted out. So tell me, you got any plans for your three weeks of freedom?”
“I do, actually,” I admit. “I’m going to Toronto for a few days.”
Kay sets her empty takeout container down and stretches her arms above her head. “Ah, The Six. Business or pleasure?”
“A bit of both,” I admit, thinking of the job interview invitation sitting in my inbox.
Kay gives me a curious look, and I decide to let her in on the secret I’ve been keeping.
“I applied for a corporate job at the Whitestone headquarters. I’m so under-qualified. I kind of just did it for shits and giggles, but they asked for a phone interview with me, and then a Skype interview, and now they want to see me in person.”
“Whitestone like the coffee shop chain?”
I nod. The Starbucks competitor took off a few years ago and is now one of the top coffee chains in the country. According to them, they’re growing faster than they can keep up with, which is probably why my resume even got considered in the first place. I never saw myself working a paper pushing job, and even now that there’s a definite possibility I might land the position, it feels weird to imagine myself at a cubicle in Toronto.
Still, running Café Alexandre has taught me that I can handle a lot more than I thought. I’ve been hunting around for something new for a while. I want a challenge. This Whitestone thing might not be my dream job, but it’s a step up in the world.
It’s also a step away—from this place, from the past. It’s a way to cut the ties that keep me here and to make sure they stay cut.
“That’s awesome!” Kay exclaims. “Wow, Toronto. Would you have to move? Wait—Isthatwhy you broke up with Cole this time?”
I feel the blood drain from my face and shake my head. “No. No, it was just the usual reasons. We fought. We fought more. We were unhappy.”
There’s more to it than that, of course, but I’m not about to get into seven years’ worth of history right now—seven years of living with the knowledge of what I did to him, what I madehimdo.
I draw in a breath before I continue.
“But if I’m honest, this job is the reason we’re not back together yet.”
Kay waits to see if I’m going to go on, blinking at me behind her glasses.
“Care to elaborate?” she prompts.
I open and close my mouth a few times, searching for the right words. I’ve rarely had to enunciate this to anyone else, let alone myself.
