I stand up long enough to tug my shirt, pants, and boxers off, and then I’m tugging a condom on and positioning myself between her splayed legs. She’s so wet already, so fucking ready for it. I take a second to just appreciate the sight of her body before I let myself slide in.
She’s stares up at me with longing, with hunger and hope and trust. In her eyes, there’s expectation.
Expectation I don’t know if I can meet.
I freeze. My arms shake as they hold me over her. I want to move in her, with her, but I can’t. With those blue eyes looking up at me like I’m the fucking sun, I see it more clearly than I ever have before: I can’t be what she needs.
Giving her knee a squeeze, I get off the bed again and reach for my boxers on the floor.
“JP?” She doesn’t sound anything but confused. “What’s wrong?”
I feel my jaw clench. “I’m sorry.”
“For what? I don’t understand.”
I rub the back of my neck, standing there with my back to her. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“This?” she repeats. “What does ‘this’ mean?”
I don’t give her an answer. I’m not even sure Iknowthe answer.
“JP.” There’s a rustling on the bed, and then her arms slide around my waist from behind me. She presses her bare chest to my naked back. “Talk to me. I know something is going on with you, and I want to help you work it out. Is it your dad?”
“It’s...I mean, sort of. He doesn’t want me to go to the gala with you,” I admit.
I feel her go rigid against me. She draws in a sharp breath before she responds.
“So we won’t go to the gala, then. Fuck the gala. We don’t need a gala.”
“Yeah, fuck the gala,” I mutter.
Her lips touch my spine. “Is that all this is about?”
I can’t lie to her. I can’t lie, and I can’t tell the truth. I’m stuck in limbo right now.
“No,” I finally admit. “That’s not all it’s about. It’s also about...me, Molly. I’m not this person.”
She releases her hold on me and then steps around me so we’re face to face. She crosses her arms over her chest and stares at me, searching for something.
“What ‘person’ are you talking about?”
“I don’t...I’m not serious. About anything. I don’t think I can be.”
She lifts her shoulders in a shrug.
“You’re wrong,” she says simply, like it’s a plain and obvious fact.
I’m taken aback by her certainty. “Huh?”
“I said you’re wrong.” She moves closer to me, getting right up in my face. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to tell me to have faith in myself and then give up when it’s your turn. We knew this would be hard. We knew we were both going out of our comfort zones by pursuing...whatever this is, but I’m not letting you fall back into some role you think you’re supposed to play when we’ve both finally realized how bullshit roles like that are. You can do serious if you want. You can doanythingif you want. I’ve never believed in someone more than I believe in you. I’m still your biggest fan, JP. Please don’t let me down.”
She’s blazing right now, practically shining with determination, and once more I’m struck totally speechless by the fact that she ever thought anyone was out of her league. It’s the other way around. It always has been. She’s pleading for me to avoid the inevitable, because one day Iwilllet her down.
Just like I let down my parents.
I’m not built to feel something as huge as what I feel for Molly. I’m just a stupid goldfish, and she was meant to swim in bigger ponds.
“I think I need some time, Molly.” I stare past her at the wall. “We said we’d take this slow, but it’s moving so fast, whether we want it to or not. I...I...It’s just somuch.”
