I was snapped out of my musings by the casual mention of a name that felt like the twang of a bowstring every time I heard it now.
“…and General Arsen.”
I blinked and looked at Ronen quickly. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t—I didn’t catch that last part. What did you say?”
Ronen gave me an odd look, but didn’t ask, just repeated himself. “I said, the assessors in the sky will be providing reports to the evaluators—who are Captain Gunnar and General Arsen. They’re the ones with the final decision on whether you’re passed and raised.”
“Oh.”
That comment should have prompted questions. I should have asked how best to impress them, or what I should avoid.
But the only words that came to mind were, will I see him? Will he talk to me?
I’d barely laid eyes on Donavyn since that day, four weeks ago, that he’d reprimanded the squad.
Four weeks.
I hadn’t spoken to him alone at all in that time.
At first that had been a relief. But when it became clear no one knew I’d kissed him, and he wasn’t marching around angry about it, when I was overcoming my embarrassment and could let an hour pass without thinking about it, I missed his gruff voice. And definitely missed bouncing ideas off of him and having hishelp.
I grimaced. When I thought the word help, the images that sprang to mind were of those thick arms and hands hauling him effortlessly up Akhane’s side to grab hold of me and lift me so I could unhook from the safety strap. Of his handsome face when he laughed—even if it was at me. Of his somber consideration when I asked a question, and his quiet intensity when he encouraged me.
I closed my eyes as his words from that last, awful conversation came echoing back across the weeks…
“You weren’t wrong. You didn’t misjudge. The feeling is there and you perceived that. That’s my fault. I’m sorry. I assure you that I take full responsibility for anything untoward… But that doesn’t change the fact that, in no uncertain terms:we can’t.”
The pained intensity on his face when he spoke those words…
I hadn’t been able to get that conversation out of my head. It had tormented me the first week until I’d had to force myself to turn my mind from it because nothing was changed by reliving it.
It was becoming abundantly clear that I had crossed an unforgivable line. The few times I’d seen him Donavyn wasn’t cruel or cold as I’d originally feared. But he was distant. Cool. Professional. He treated me as if we hadn’t spent hours alone. As if he hadn’t talked me through tears and rage. As if he hadn’t helped change my life. As if… he didn’t care.
At first, when I was still embarrassed, I’d been nervous to run into him at the stable. But since that day he hadn’t come for Kgosi at times when I was in the stable. And the few times I saw him on the grounds, he nodded and kept moving, or if I was with the squad and he stopped to talk, he kept his comments brief and purely professional. And I felt it.
I’d grown accustomed to seeing his smile, hearing his encouragement, in such a short time. I hadn’t realized how much stronger I felt with him around until he was gone.
“…it’s a point system. You’ll gain points for maneuvers well-executed, for goals and instructions fulfilled, and for demonstrable courage. Don’t cut corners, Bren. If there’s a more powerful way to achieve the same goal, choose it, even if it’s harder.”
I nodded, scrambling to turn my focus from Donavyn to the upcoming trial.
“Don’t worry,” Gil said, patting my hand where I’d rested it on the table. “You’ve got this. One advantage to your slower training is that I think you’re better equipped for this. You understand the dragons and the officer’s expectations better because you’ve been around us more.”
“Because I couldn’t do necessary things,” I muttered.
Gil shrugged. “It’s all past tense now. And I know you’re less intimidated by the Officers than the new Flameborne. Don’t forget, the others have all waited for this trial too. You’re testing against the same Flameborne you assessed with and a couple more that were cleared before you. So, you’ve caught up.”
Maybe.Everyone had been held to wait until this trail, but that didn’t mean they hadn’t been ready earlier. “Well, I’m about to find out, aren’t I?” I said nervously and tried to smile. But the flutters were climbing from my belly into my throat.
“Don’t forget, we’ve done this, Bren,” Ronen added gently. “We know what’s involved. And we’re telling you, you’ve got what it takes. I wouldn’t throw you to the wolves. I signed you up for this Trial because I knew you were ready.”
My eyes stung as I thanked them both. They didn’t act like training me was a burden. And I really believed that they believed in me.
Today we’d find out if they were fools to do so.
One thing Donavyn had been right about—that reprimand and the instructions for sticking closer and keeping them informed about what I was doing had drawn us closer together. I’d assumed they’d want to be around me even less after that. But that night I’d found out theywereangry with me, but it was because they were upset that I told Donavyn they wouldn’t care.
They were hurt.
