“I don’t need a man.” Her gaze flew to Reikart. “Except yer father. I need him desperately.”
Reikart nodded. “Alastair was supposed to ride to the English court and inquire discreetly if Algien was there. If he is, Deirdre and I will head to court, and we will get the other cross and then send you back to Dad.”
“If we secure the cross,” his mom said, “we can all travel back to your father.”
Reikart didn’t want to fight with his mom. Not now, in front of the others, and not after just being reunited with her, but he didn’t want to deceive her, either. “I won’t be returning to our time unless I know for certain that Ian has not come through. I’d never leave him here alone.”
His mom narrowed her gaze on him. “If Ian has come through, then he’ll have the cross to get back. And if ye stay, and he’s still in the future, then someone will have to travel back to retrieve ye.”
“That’s a chance I’m willing to take,” Reikart replied, and when his mom looked like she was going to continue to argue, he shook his head. “I’m not going to have someone else’s death on my conscience. Especially not my brother’s. So you can just give it up, Mom. I’m not leaving 1286 unless I know all three of my brothers are safely in the future. It’s just not. Gonna. Happen.”
Chapter Ten
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
~William Shakespeare, Sonnet 18
Admiration for Reikart’s loyalty to his brothers filled Deirdre, but shock followed swiftly on the heels of that admiration. Was Maggie really planning to travel through time to the future with her new husband? Deirdre could hardly believe she was entertaining such a question, but how could she not?
It was quickly decided that the best course of action would be to return to Castle Lochlavine, as it was closer to the English court than Castle Hightower. Plus, everyone was in agreement that the fewer people Shona came in contact with, the better. Once they quickly buried Nigel and Donald, they each mounted a horse. Since Shona and Grace had each been on one, as well as Nigel and Donald, there was a destrier for each of them now, as well as one extra. Dermot took control of the horses and led their little party since he knew the trails back to Lochlavine better than anyone and could guide them best in the dark. The moon was full and bright, but still, traveling at night was always more dangerous.
Grace rode behind Dermot, and Deirdre followed Grace, as Shona had insisted. When Reikart and Shona fell into place behind Deirdre and she heard Shona talking to Reikart, she realized then, that, of course the woman wanted to ride near her son. She’d not seen him in some time. Deirdre didn’t know exactly how long they had been separated, and she was curious to know—more curious than she had a right to be, or ought to be. And if she were being truthful, her curiosity was more because of Reikart than Shona.
The man clearly had a fierce loyalty to his family, which she admired, and he was obviously brave to have traveled through time to find his mother and be willing to stay behind if his other brother, Ian, was not accounted for when they retrieved the cross and could send the rest of the family back. Deirdre didn’t like the thought of that at all. Maggie was her only family, and if Maggie left her, she would have no one. Still, she could not ask Maggie to stay, not after how she had betrayed her. A good sister would want her sibling to go with the man she loved, and Deirdre wanted desperately to be the good sister she had once believed she was.
They rode slowly to account for the darkness, the agreement being that they would ride as long as everyone could. If someone got too tired to keep going, they were to let it be known. Then they would stop and make camp for the night and continue the journey to Deirdre’s home, or what used to be her home, tomorrow. She was tired, desperately so, but she was not going to be the one to halt them for the night, so despite her body’s protest, she sat rigid on her horse and clopped though the woods, trying not to eavesdrop on the private conversation between Reikart and his mother. She did quite well for a good long while, but when she heard the name Amanda come from Shona, despite Deirdre’s telling herself not to listen, she did.
As Reikart spoke of this woman, Amanda, the emotion in his voice told Deirdre how much he had loved her. He blamed himself, it seemed, for her death. He’d been driving the car he’d told her about before. According to him, it was his carelessness that had killed Mandy. That’s what he kept calling her: Mandy.
Jealousy curled in Deirdre’s gut. Wonderful. She was trying to prove to everyone that she was a good person, and she was jealous that a man she barely knew had a special name for a woman he had loved. A dead woman. Deirdre bit her lip as she gripped her reins harder.
“You didn’t kill her, Reikart,” Shona said.
Deirdre found herself holding her breath to hear what he would say.
“I did. I killed her with my recklessness and stubbornness. I killed her with my anger at Dad and by trying to show Rhys he couldn’t tell me what to do. I held her limp, broken body in my arms and wished to God it had been me.”
Deirdre’s chest tightened with the impassioned words that drifted up to her.
“How long will you punish yerself, Reikart?” Shona asked. “Rhys told me about the life you’re living, the problems.”
“I don’t know, Mom,” he said, a hard edge to his voice. “How long do you suppose is long enough to make up for her death? Oh wait, I can’t make up for her death. I can’t bring her back to life, and I couldn’t even bring myself to end my own damn life in payment for hers.”
“Oh, Reikart,” his mother sobbed. Deirdre had to blink away the tears that were blurring her vision. His pain was brutally palpable. “There are hundreds of ways to virtually end one’s life, and from what you have said, you checked out of life when Amanda died.”
What did it mean to check out of life?
“If you’re going to lecture me on participating in life, don’t bother. Rhys lectures me all the damn time. He happily took up your role of lecturer when you disappeared.”
“Clearly, Rhys doesn’t have the knack for it that I do,” Shona responded, “or you wouldn’t still be shutting off your feelings.”
Deirdre leaned back on the horse in an attempt to hear better.
“Who says I’m shut off?” Reikart replied.
Deirdre pressed her lips together in annoyance. The words they chose made it incredibly difficult to gain much insight. If she was going to put another black stain on her soul for her eavesdropping, it would be nice if she could properly understand what their words meant.
