“The lass herself,” he said, breaking eye contact with Patience again but not before she saw the pain in his gaze.
She inhaled sharply, biting her lip so as not to attract his attention. He’d loved the woman. She knew it without a doubt. She studied his strong jaw, the reddish stubble sweeping his cheeks and chin, his full lips, thick lashes, and noble nose. What must it be like to have his heart? She could only imagine what he had been like to the woman he had loved when he was so tender with Patience, so protective of her, when she did not have his heart.
Jealousy gripped her so hard her stomach physically ached. Shame quickly followed: she was envious of a woman who was not even in his life. God’s teeth, of a woman who might not even be alive.
She cleared her throat, dreading the question she was about to ask but knowing she had to ask it. “Was the other woman that ye were rumored to have killed yer leman? Is this the woman ye are speaking of?”The woman ye spoke of indirectly previously.
“Aye.” His voice sounded strained. “I failed to guard her. I had enemies I did nae ken, and they took her from me, from this world.” The confirmation was like a physical hit and made her wince.
“Is she why ye did nae wish to wed me?” His eyes came to her once more, and he gave her an almost imperceptible pleading look. Her heart clenched as the memory of his words echoed through her.When ye take the life of someone that somebody else loves, the person left alive dies a bit.She should have left it be, but she couldn’t. “Do ye…Do ye love her still?”
“Ye dunnae quit feeling for someone ye once loved,” he said on a sigh. He brought his hand to the back of his neck to rub it. “But it’s nae the same as it once was. It’s but a memory of a feeling that was as bright and warm as the sun.”And a part of you is dead. A part you never answered whether it could be revived.
“If ye felt that way once, then maybe we could…” She was going to say they could forge a new path, a new future together, but she let the words fade with the look of discomfort that flittered across his face.
He shook his head. “I dunnae want those feelings again,” he said, implacable determination shining in his eyes.
She was certainly no expert in feelings, but she did not think they could simply be stopped just because one did not want them. If they could, then she would never have felt worthless or afraid. And for a man who did not want to feel love, he certainly was thoughtful and kind. She vowed he was feelingsomething, whether he wanted to or not. But she was not about to point that out to Brodee, not now. He was afraid to love again. It was as clear as the ink on his shoulder.
If they were to have any chance, her gut told her that at least one of them had to conquer their fears. Her greatest fear was joining with him, allowing him to see her at her most vulnerable. If she could vanquish that fear, then maybe, in time, he could overcome his and they could have the life she had never dreamed would be hers to have. But she’d need to be clever. The more he thought she cared, the further she suspected he’d withdraw. Not that she cared that much yet. Certainly not. That would be foolish. And she was done being a fool.
