Sucking in a sob, she nodded, departed the room, and cried herself to sleep.
Twelve
Alex had avoided Lena for two days because he was certain she’d demand he tell her about his past, and it made him ache to deny her. Donald had been correct in saying the nightmares were coming more frequently now. Ever since Lena had become his wife and they had returned to Duart, he awoke nightly with his body drenched in sweat, his blood surging through his veins, and his heart pounding against his ribs. It seemed the closer he became to his wife, the more his past haunted him. He could not understand why, unless it was as Lena had said and the memories wanted to be released. But the idea of telling her what had occurred with Gillis turned Alex’s blood cold.
How would Lena trust him to protect her when he’d failed so miserably to protect Ginny and Thomas? The shame of Ginny’s death and what had happened to Thomas, and to himself ate at him. It was a deadly wound festering inside him, and he could not imagine telling Lena of it, of the way he’d been defeated. He was laird now, and lairds kept their weaknesses hidden. They could not afford to reveal them.
His da had taught him that well. He’d explained it most meticulously after discovering Alex tied to a pole in Gillis’s barn. To kill Gillis would have brought the Steward’s wrath upon them, and at the time, his father had not been able to afford having the Steward as an enemy. The moment Alex’s da had set him free, he had wanted to kill Gillis, but his da had been unbendable.
Dunnae ever speak of what has occurred,he’d said. His da would see to it that Gillis suffered for his crimes; he’d vowed it. Moreover, his da had said he’d spoken to the Steward and had assured Alex that the other apprentices would be safe. Then he’d ordered Alex to depart for home with him and his men. Alex had wanted to leave, had wanted to be gone from the place as quickly as possible, but not they had been merely half a day’s ride away when he had been plagued with a feeling that the Steward would not keep his promise to send Gillis from the Steward’s home.
When Alex’s father had denied his request to return to the Steward’s home and check on Thomas and the other boys, Alex had snuck away and ridden hard back to the castle, with his da and his da’s men chasing him. They’d only just reached him as he arrived back at the Stewart hold. Alex had found Thomas, but it had been too late for him and for Gillis. Alex could nae say—then or now—that he was sorry Thomas had killed the man, but even so, Thomas had not been spared Gillis’s abuse. In truth, he had received much worse than Alex had. Alex’s father had interrupted Gillis’s games and prevented him from doing to Alex all the things Thomas had endured.
Alex knew what had happened to Thomas because the lad had told him in a flat voice with dead eyes. It was inconceivable. Alex had retched repeatedly upon the telling.
“Alex.”
He jerked his head in the direction of Donald’s voice. He waved a hand for the man to enter the solar. “Where is she?”
“The kitchens—same as yesterday and the day before. She spends most of her time there.”
Alex nodded, relieved and glad she was making friends with the women of his clan. “Keep a watchful eye on her, and report back to me if—”
Donald held out a sealed letter. “I intercepted this. Yer wife handed it to Broch with instructions for him to take it directly to Dunvegan.”
Alex looked at the letter, then at Donald. “And Broch relinquished it to ye?”
Donald smiled. “Aye. I told him ye kenned all about the contents of the letter and that ye’d already instructed a man to take it because ye felt certain Iain would want Broch to remain here watching over Lena rather than deliver a letter that simply tells Iain his sister is well.”
Alex smiled grimly. “Let us hope that’s all the letter conveys.”
“Ye fear it conveys unhappiness and tells him of the nightmares?”
Alex rubbed his chest, which had become tight. It had been feeling thusly since the last time he’d held his wife in his arms. “Possibly. And with Iain already suspicious of my behavior when I departed Dunvegan, God above only kens what he’ll do if Lena tells him of my nightmares and what has occurred.”
“Ye’d nae let him take her if he came, would ye?” Donald asked as he handed the letter to Alex.
Alex turned the letter over in his hands, fingering the seal—his seal. Where had the little minx found it? Her growing bravery gratified him even as it concerned him. He ran a finger over the wax, hating to open it and betray her trust but feeling he had little choice. If she had written of her unhappiness to her brother, Alex needed to know. He didn’t want to feud with Iain, but if the man tried to take Lena from Alex, greatest friend and ally or not, Iain would have to kill him first. Unless—his stomach clenched—unless she truly desired to go. He’d never keep her against her will, though to part with her would bring him misery. He understood this truth in the depths of his soul.
He’d come to care greatly about Lena, and the emotions were not driven by a simple need to protect her. They were complicated. She made him happy, and she banished the darkness during the day and at night when she was in his arms. Only when he was alone did it return. How he wished he could hold her as he slept, but he could not chance it. Nor did he want to be unprepared for what may come. With that thought, he broke the seal, unfolded the letter, and read it.
Shock moved through him like a blast of frigid wind. It stole his breath and momentarily left him unable to think. He stared at the letter, her words blurring and then coming back into focus.
“Jesus,” he muttered.
“What? What is it?” Donald asked, his voice filled with concern.
As Donald knew all about the task the king had given Alex, he simply said, “Lena’s sister is the traitor. She’s been sending her da word of what the king is doing.”
“What say ye?” Donald bellowed.
Alex held up the letter for Donald to read, and as the man did so, the color drained from his face and his lips thinned before pinching together. Alex recalled Lena’s words with each expression that came to Donald’s face, feeling as if Alex himself were rereading the letter. Lena had written that Marsaili had confessed that the only reason she came to Duart was because her father had blackmailed her to do his bidding by withholding the location of her child, who he’d told her had died some years ago.
Alex was shocked to learn that Marsaili had a child, but there was not time to linger on that at the moment. The more pressing matter was that Lena had written to her brother not only to warn him of Marsaili’s dilemma, as Lena had put it, but to ask for advice. It seemed Marsaili had told Lena that Alex was going to the Steward to join forces with him. Lena had stated her belief in Alex’s faithfulness to the king, heartening Alex, yet she had not confided inhimabout Marsaili. Instead, she’d written to her brother. His wife did not completely trust him, and soon, she’d trust him even less. It was his appointed task to make himself appear to be breaking ties with the king, and there was no better way, no more perfect opportunity, than to seek out Marsaili and make her think that he wanted to join forces with her to bring down King David.
It made Alex ill to think upon what he had to do, and it set fear in his heart that he’d lose Lena because of it. If all occurred as it was supposed to, Lena, Iain, and all the highlanders who considered him a traitor would understand that he’d been working for the king from the start. But Alex worried Lena might not forgive him for hiding so much from her. His wife had made it plain that she wanted to know his secrets, as he’d demanded to know hers, yet he could not share this or the truth about his past with her.
Would he lose her over this? Perchance not physically, but emotionally? He curled his hands into fists as his heart pounded a hard rhythm.
