It was painful, but Alex’s guardedly hopeful expression suggested that he was simply eager to learn more about her. Yet, what did he wish to know? She didn’t want to speak more of the abuse. If he wanted to know that, she didn’t think she could force the words out. “What do ye wish to ken?”
“What did ye do with yer time? I imagine ye strove to keep busy and away from Findlay.”
A bitter laugh escaped her before she could repress it. When Alex cocked questioning eyebrows at her, she made herself explain. “He never sought me out, except at night when he wanted—” Her cheeks burned with mortification. “When he wanted me to fulfill my wifely duties.”
“He’s rotting in Hell,” Alex said with so much confidence that she laughed. Some of the embarrassment she had been feeling for a very long time at how Findlay had treated her little better than a hound, slipped away. Suddenly, she had a desire to talk about what she never had. She started to look at her lap, but when Alex pointedly cleared his throat, she looked up and smiled.
“I forgot,” she said.
“Dunnae fash,” he replied and ran a single finger very softly over the slope of her cheek. His hand was gone before she even had time to become vexed that he was touching her, and because of this, the desire that his gentle touch might have lingered longer stirred within. She thought she just might want to know how it felt to be caressed by someone who cared for her. But would he be disgusted when he saw the marks upon her body? She was not ready to learn the answer, which meant she was not prepared to ask for a kiss. A kiss would undoubtedly lead to other things in time.
“I taught myself to become an excellent swimmer,” she blurted, wishing to pull her mind away from her scars, kissing, and theotherthat came after the kissing.
“Did ye now?” He gave her a look of admiration.
She nodded. “I had learned how to swim somewhat as a child, of course, but I was nae a strong swimmer by any means. So I went to the loch every single day and practiced with the hope that I might get the opportunity to escape, and if I needed to swim away, I’d be ready.”
His face grew very serious. “And where were ye thinking ye would be escaping to?”
“Well, that’s just it, isn’t it? I did nae have anywhere to go, or at least I did nae ken that I did. I did nae have any notion that my brothers were even alive. My uncle had told me they had been killed, along with our father. I suppose I did nae try to escape because I could nae determine where to go.” A rush of anger filled her chest and then her throat, and despite her promise never to look away from Alex again when they were talking, she did. “I hate myself for nae trying,” she admitted, clenching her hands into fists. “If only I had, I would nae have suffered as I did. I was weak and cowardly.”
“Nay,” Alex replied harshly, his hand cupping her chin and gently turning her to him once more. “Ye are braw and wise. Had ye run, ye would have surely died or been taken by worse men than Findlay, having nae anywhere to flee.”
She did not want to argue with him. He could not change her mind, and the determined look in his eyes told her she could not change his. She had known Alex was a kind man, but she had not perceived the depth of his caring. Suddenly, she thought what he’d said about himself earlier, and she wanted to understand him as he was trying to understand her. “Why did ye say that ye were nae gentle?”
His expression, which had been open and inviting, immediately closed. He withdrew his hand from hers and regarded her warily. “I will always be gentle with ye, and that is all ye need to ken. What I meant earlier has naught to do with ye.”
She frowned. “But ye said it did. Ye said ye did nae feel ye’d be the best husband for me because ye were nae gentle enough.”
“It dunnae matter now,” he said in a tight voice. “We are married, and I will do what I must to defend ye.”
Her brow furrowed. “Defend me from what? From whom?”
“Everyone,” he said, suddenly rising, as the birlinn dipped hard again. “I best attend to the ship. The storm seems to be worsening, so I may be needed.”
She pressed her lips together on the desire to argue. Two breaths ago the man had said he could stay. It was only when she’d tried to get him to reveal himself to her that he’d decided he must depart. It was a clear excuse. “When ye ask someone to reveal themselves to ye,” she said, trying to keep her voice light and low, “it seems only fair ye should do the same.”
He paused with his hands on the plaids he’d likely been about to lift. “I will reveal what I can, Lena, but there are some things that must remain in my past. What I ask ye to reveal, I only do so with the desire to help ye.”
“And what of ye?” she asked. “Do ye nae have need of my help to overcome the things in yer past that haunt ye?”
“Nay,” he said flatly. “Dunnae fash yerself about me. Let us focus on getting ye strong in spirit.” With those words, he disappeared through the plaids.
For a long while, she sat watching the sun chase away the darkness as it rose in the sky. Anger burned in her throat. At first, she could not understand why she was so vexed, but then the answer struck her: Alex did not consider her strong enough to hear his secrets, or mayhap he did not trust her enough. She could hold back from him in return, but now that she had finally allowed someone in, she honestly did not want to keep everything trapped inside her any longer. She wanted to trust in him and heal. She was weary of being scared and angry. She needed him to see her as stronger than he did, as able to bear the weight of whatever secrets he hid, because she needed him to do the same for her.
She gasped. She had a purpose! She scrambled to her feet, giddy with the excitement of it. How long had it been since she last felt she had purpose? So long she could not even recall it. She shook out her skirts and set her hair to rights as best she could before making her way to the others. It was time to start her new life. That was what was before her, she hoped—a new chance.
Worry niggled about joining with Alex and how she would react—or if she could even bring herself to that point. She also felt the deep burn of shame when she thought of her scars and what he might think. But she wanted desperately to try. How difficult could it possibly be to grow as bold as she once had been and prove to Alex she was not going to break?
Seven
“Have ye ever climbed a mast to tie a rope afore?” Munroe MacLean, Alex’s first guard, asked Lena. He was looking up at the flapping rope but now turned his distinctly suspicious gaze to her.
That wary nature must have been a required trait of all Alex’s men because every time she had offered to help anyone today, they had asked her the same question and given her the same look. Each time they had declined and had told her in a polite but slightly patronizing tone to simply sit and enjoy the sun, or mayhap aid Marsaili in preparing the food. And each time one of Alex’s men had denied her plea to help, she had found Alex’s gaze steady on her, no matter where he was on the ship. Even as the man worked, it seemed he watched her and had instructed his men not to allow her to do anything. It was both sweet and infuriating at once. How was she supposed to prove anything to herself or Alex when sitting on her bottom or cleaning fish?
She tapped her foot, aware she only had a few precious moments to convince Munroe to allow her to help him. Alex was standing at the fore of the ship, looking overboard and below to the water. He was shouting instructions to one of his men who had gone into the water to fix a plank that had loosened. He’d likely finish the task at any moment, and then Munroe would undoubtedly seek out Alex for his approval, which the man would deny.
“I have,” she said. When Munroe kept giving her that same suspicious look, she plunked her hands on her hips and glared at him. “I have climbed the mast several times on one of my brother’s birlinns.” Never mind that the ship had been docked every time she had climbed the mast, and Cameron had been behind her lest she slipped. Regardless, he had taught her to secure ropes, and she could do it on a moving ship or a stationary one. “I tell ye, I can do this.”
