“But all those witnesses…”
“Someone did step forward and said he pushed me. A few others said it was hard to see what was going on through the shuffle, and some were too afraid of my dad to speak up at all. In the end, they didn’t have enough proof to press charges on him or take me away.”
Luke’s eyes narrow. “And where is Daddy Dearest now?”
I give him a stern look. “I have no clue if the old bastard is even alive, much less where he is. And even if I did, I wouldn’t say.Youare not going anywhere near him.” God, I think if Luke were ever in the same room as that monster, I would have a heart attack.
He crosses his arms, giving me a pouty look. “Fine. I wasn’t going to do anything anyway.”
“Luke,” I warn him.
“Much,” he tacks on quietly.
“I was sixteen when I climbed out of my bedroom window and left with nothing but a backpack full of clothes. Figured if I was on my own I could have some control over my life, that I could finally keep him from hurting me. I haven’t seen my parents since, nor do I ever want to see them again. I mean, sometimes I wonder if they ever gave a fuck I disappeared, or if they wonder what happened to me.”
“They don’t deserve to know. Let them wonder for the rest of their miserable lives.”
The vehemence in his voice surprises me. He’s so quick to come to my defense, and yet, he’s in a situation that’s eerily similar. Does he not see that Evelyn and Kevin—Stoney—are capable of hurting him in ways he could never fathom?
“What happened after you ran away?” he asks.
“I ended up on the streets for a while, and quickly discovered when you live on the streets, you have pretty much zero control of your life. Things just sort of happen to you, and you deal with it as best you can. Eventually, I made my way to a shelter where the director took pity on me and helped me get my GED. Then I got some scholarships and went to college.”
“Your strength is incredible,” he whispers.
“I’m not as strong as you think I am,” I admit bleakly, quietly sniffing. I wish I had the strength Luke sees in me, but I nearly let my father destroy me. That’s not strength.
He shakes his head vehemently, his eyes flashing. “Look at you. That man tried to break you. You took the flames he tried to burn you with and decided you were going toshineinstead.”
“Luke,” my voice breaks. “I’m still a mess. I don’t know if I can be what you need. I’ve disappointed every person I’ve ever tried to havea relationship with because I’m so controlling, and I’m trying so hard not to be that way with you—”
His index finger on my lips shushes me, and the way his forehead wrinkles would be adorable if fear weren’t coursing through my veins right now. What if I push him too far, or he gets tired of my need for control? What if I can’t give it up? He’ll leave me just like all my past lovers, and…it will gut me.
He tilts his head. “Is it about control though?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is it really about control, or is it about feeling safe and keeping people you care about safe?”
I blink at him, my body going still. “I—what?”
His smile is soft, sort of sheepish as his cheeks turn pink. “Everything you’ve ever done has been about my safety or comfort. You brought me over to your house because I was upset and having a bad day, and you knew going home would only make it worse. Then when you went over to Eve’s house and packed my shit? You wanted to get me out of there to keep me safe, didn’t you?”
My pulse speeds up. “Well, yeah, but…”
He barrels on, completely unaware of the warmth cascading through my body, sneaking into every crevice. “And I’ve already told you I like what we do in the bedroom. I like it when you tell me what to do, like how it makes my brain shut up for a while. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you always put my pleasure before your own anyway. In case you can’t tell, I like your bossy side, big guy.”
God, he’s right. How have I never noticed that about myself? I don’t want control for the sake of having control. I want…well, I want to feel safe, to feel like I have a say. And I want to prevent anyone from ever feeling the way I did as a child.
This entire evening has left me speechless and raw, so in lieu of words, I give him an affectionate smile and pull him into my arms. He seems content with this, humming quietly as he slings his leg over my hip, our chests bumping together as our breathing evens out. He succumbs to sleep first, and I watch him doze for a while.
Holding him like this, being able to expose every vulnerable part of me and still find acceptance in his embrace, leaves my head reeling. I get this feeling like I’m cresting the top of a roller coaster, but instead of fearing the fall, I want to embrace it. I want it all with him—I want to experience every high and every low with this man, if he’ll let me. For the first time in my life, I want to hand someone else the reins and see where he takes us. It’s both scaryandexhilarating.
So…thisis what love feels like.
Luke
Eve: When is this little temper tantrum going to be over?
