Oh how Molly wished she could hear her mum ranting about all of those things just one more time.
The service ended, and they began to file out, Shane and Dee up front. Molly moved with the flow, gripping Nancy’s arm, leading the march and following the casket down the aisle, her steps leaden.
Outside, the churchyard was sodden. Umbrellas bloomed like black tulips, and the scent of wet grass mingled with that of the lilies from the casket.
The rest she performed on remote. Watched her mother lowered into the earth beside her father. Imagined his hand reaching out for hers, joined together once again, telling her it was going to be okay.
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
She threw a single yellow rose onto the coffin. Shane stood opposite and Molly avoided his eyes throughout. Dee clung tohim. Nancy stood close, watching everything, silent and taut. And as the mourners filed along, throwing earth onto the casket, Molly felt her heart totally break.
Chapter Thirty-Six
The golf club’s function room was decorated with soft white linen and polished silverware, like a wedding or a christening, or a farewell party, and the crassness of it made Molly’s stomach churn.
The grief that had earlier clung to the mourners like smoke, had dissipated, floating off and mingling with the scent of perfume and trays of canapés. Conversations ebbed and flowed, low murmurs, the occasional ripple of laughter, the uncomfortable shuffle of guests who passed by not knowing what to say.
They had pushed the boat out in grand style for Julia because a luxury liner was what she deserved and that’s what she was getting. Champagne cocktails, her favourite dishes, the desserts she could never say no to even though they’d mean an extra hour in the gym the next day. Compiling the list of foods for the menu had been one of those bittersweet tasks that had given them the freedom to reminisce, bringing Julia into the room as though she were catering for one of her grand soirées, or Molly’sfarewell party. That thought was swiftly shut down, although Molly had a feeling it had been on Magda and Nancy’s mind, too.
Dee had gone outside with their gran and granddad for some fresh air and everyone else was at the buffet or bar. She had been joined by her three close friends, Jilly and Rolo, and Phoebe.
Ever since Molly could remember, the three of them had been regular visitors at home, sleepover buddies and pool party stalwarts. Julia had always welcomed them with open arms, and had a soft spot for Rolo, the only boy in the group who boarded at school. His mum, a local MP, was often overseas and Julia took shy Rolo under her wing as did Magda who fussed and spoiled him.
It was Rolo who broke the awkward silence between them all as they sipped drinks, nobody knowing what to say. ‘I wrote a special note for your mum, and put it inside my flowers… just, just saying thank you for always looking out for me and being so kind. She was so nice, even when we tramped wet footprints through the house or made a mess in the kitchen.’
Rolo’s cheeks went a bit pink and it made him look even more sweet and endearing than normal.No wonder Mum took a shine to him, Molly thought as Phoebe found her voice.
‘It’s true. Julia had the patience of a saint with us, didn’t she? I’m going to miss her a lot. We all will.’
Jilly went next. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen her since bonfire night, when we came round for fireworks and then before that… I can’t remember, but anyway, I wish I’d seen her one last time…’
Molly felt her mood dip, and perhaps it showed in her expression that Jilly’s words once again highlighted how much of her life she’d given up, neglected, for Shane. Up until her sixteenth birthday, her three friends had been the focus of her life, never apart, texting, calling, hanging out and then gradually Shane had somehow managed to keep her home, on call, 24/7.
Christ, how she hated him and herself. Wanted to slap her own face so hard it left a big stinging handprint.
Her face flushed, as though she’d said the wrong thing. Jilly grabbed Rolo’s hand and said, ‘Come on you. Let’s go and grab some food. Molly, do you want us to bring you something?’
Molly shook her head but managed a smile then watched as the two of them shot off, weaving through the black crow guests.
As soon as they were out of sight, Phoebe took Molly’s hand and said, ‘It’s really hard to know what to say, isn’t it, at times like this. I’m always scared of putting my foot in it.’
‘It is, and I get it. I don’t know what to say about all of this either because I feel like I’ve woken up in someone else’s bad dream. So if you fancy giving me a really good shake so my eyeballs rattle and wake me up, I’d be really grateful.’ Molly turned to Phoebe whose sad expression mirrored her own.
‘Maybe we should talk about something else, anything will do, just not… this.’ Molly jerked her head towards the rest of the room where life, eating and drinking and chatting, was all going on without her mum.
Not being shy at the best of times, and seizing the opportunity, Phoebe whispered, ‘I’ve been wanting to ask, is he here? Your bloke.’
Immediately Molly stiffened and pulled away her hand, regretting her suggestion which made her reply harsher than she meant it to be. ‘No. He’s not and anyway it’s over. I ended it so I’d rather not talk about him anymore.’
‘Sorry, sorry, Molls, that was insensitive of me… I just wanted to…’
Feeling bad, Molly re-took her hand. ‘No, I’m sorry, Pheebs. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Look, why don’t you go and get some food while I go and find my grandparents and Dee and check they’re okay. Then I’ll meet you back here. Get me a vodka and Coke, make it a big fat double. I’ll only be a few minutes.’
Before Phoebe could respond, Molly stood and after a quick hand squeeze, she left her friend at the table and set off in search of her family. Her gran had been inconsolable for most of the morning, repeating to anyone she spoke to that it should have been her instead of Julia. ‘No mother should have to bury her child,’ she’d sobbed, over and over.
The refrain drilled itself into Molly’s bones and became unbearable. So she had no intention of seeking her gran out and was glad when she’d buggered off, grateful for the solitude in her quiet corner.
The room was crowded as Molly wove her way through, not making eye contact with anyone. Most of the staff from ClearGlass had come, the old guard and new hires alike. They lined the buffet tables, stood in clusters, or circled the bar like moths to flame. When she reached the door, Molly turned and stepped to one side so she could observe them all. Her eyes swept the room like a scanner, ticking off potential suspects in silence. Who was it? Who was the woman Shane had been sleeping with?
