They were just words and Dee just wanted it all to stay the same and got so angry inside when she thought of how her mum and Shane were ruining everything. She had kind of forgiven Molly because if she’d not gone to Princeton she’d have headed off to a university in England, anyway. And the way things were at home she’d probably not want to come home for visits so it didn’t really matter where she was. A whole ocean away. In the next city.
Dee had cried about it privately, in bed at night. She couldn’t imagine the house without her sister’s footsteps running up and down the stairs, the sound of her laughing one minute and shouting the next. Dee had always looked up to Molly. Even when Molly was a moody cow. Dee smiled to herself; she was even going to miss that.
Her fury quickly returned when she thought of the silly bickering she’d overheard between her parents. The people who were supposed to show you the way to behave and would have told her and Molly to grow up, if it had been them sniping at one another every five minutes.
She picked at the splintered wood on the bench seat and thought of life at home. Whisper-arguments that turned into slammed doors. Cold silences that stretched through breakfast. Dee hated it. She could feel the tension as soon as she walked through the front door, as if it was seeping into the walls.
Lately, it had started to feel like everything was moving and she was the only one standing still, watching her worldrearrange itself without asking her permission. She kept having these dreams. Not quite nightmares but disturbing enough to leave her sweaty and shaken in the middle of the night. Dreams of the house being empty, doors wide open, voices echoing and no one there when she called. Sometimes she woke with a start, convinced something terrible was about to happen.
She was dreading the party. The big farewell do at the golf club. The kind of thing her mum thought was glamorous. Dee hated loud places, hated crowds. She didn’t want to dress up and smile for people she barely knew. She didn’t want to hear them tell her how proud she must be of her sister. All it meant was that Molly was leaving. Leaving her behind to cope with her mum and Shane alone.
She’d been trying really hard to jolly things along, though, act like everything was fine when they were all in one room together but it was exhausting, especially when nobody responded to her efforts. Her mum did what she always did, faked that she was okay and repeated on a loop that Dee wasn’t to worry. Only Shane seemed to notice. He was the only one who ever asked if she was okay.
She remembered the night he found her crying in the garden. She hadn’t meant to let him see. But he didn’t laugh or tell her to grow up. He sat beside her and just listened. Then wrapped her in a hug and told her she was his special girl. That he’d look after her. That even when Molly was gone, he’d be there.
He always made her feel better. It wasn’t just that he was fun, even though he was. He played water polo and tennis with her and her friends. He gave them lifts, bought them ice cream. He let them blast music in the car. Her friends always said how cool he was. How lucky she was. And she believed them. She didn’t want to lose that. She didn’t want to lose him or her family.
Which is why she’d said something. About the email. She hadn’t meant to snoop. But when her mum nipped out to thepost office saying she’d be ten minutes, she left her laptop open on the kitchen island, and Dee had seen Nancy’s name ping up on an email. She clicked it without thinking. Just to see. And there it was.
Terms of divorce. Final doc.
Her heart had dropped through the floor. Divorce. She’d fled to her room and lain in bed thinking about split custody and packing a bag and only seeing Shane on weekends. About what her friends went through when their parents divorced, the weird new flats, the forced family dinners with new partners, separate Christmases and birthdays.
She didn’t want that. Couldn’t bear it. So she’d decided. Molly had already left to meet her friends so running it by her wasn’t an option. Instead, she’d sought him out and found him by the pool, her heart thumping as she waited for him to finish a length.
Magda was sweeping the patio, singing one of her Polish songs rather loudly so couldn’t hear.
‘Shane, I need to tell you something,’ she said.
He stopped and rested his arms on the edge of the pool and looked up, surprised. ‘Hey, sweetheart. What’s up?’
She hesitated, and watched as he climbed out then blurted, ‘I’m worried about you and Mum and… I didn’t mean to look but… I saw an email. On Mum’s laptop. From Aunty Nancy.’
He froze. Just for a second. But long enough to tell her she had his full attention and he was worried.
‘What did it say?’ His voice tried to convey casual but his face had tensed and paled slightly, water dripping onto the tiles at his feet.
She told him. Everything she remembered. The subject line. That they were ready to go as soon as her mum said the word.
And then she added, ‘You should do something before it’s really too late. Show Mum how much you love her. Maybe buyher a necklace. Or book a holiday. You can fix this. I know you can so please try, Shane. I don’t want our family to split up.’
For a second he didn’t say anything. He just ran a hand through his wet hair and looked towards the house and Magda who was going back inside. His face had gone sickly white. ‘Thank you for telling me,’ he said eventually. He bent down and kissed her forehead. ‘You did the right thing. Now wipe those tears and leave it with me. I’ll sort this out, okay?’
But something about his reaction made her unsure. The way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. The way he stood so still, like he was holding something in. Was it anger that Aunty Nancy and Mum had been plotting or was he trying not to cry? The last thought made her sadder than ever so she clung onto him tight, eyes scrunched as she sobbed, not minding that his wet body was making her clothes damp.
Shane held her close, and once the tears subsided he pulled away gently and asked her to do something for him. ‘I don’t want you to mention this to anyone, okay. It can be our secret. I promise I won’t tell Mum that you went on her laptop in case she gets annoyed and I’ll work out a way to put everything right. Do you trust me?’
Dee smiled as she wiped her eyes then nodded, feeling slightly better, ‘I promise and yes, I trust you, Shane, totally one hundred per cent.’
After that he’d pecked her on the head and said he needed to take a shower and get ready for his trip, but said he’d ring her later to check she was okay. Without another word, Shane gave Dee a wink and headed into the house. Wanting to avoid her mum and Magda who would spot she’d been crying; Dee hovered in the garden until the coast was clear then grabbed her bag from the stand and snuck out of the house and towards the park, praying the whole way that Shane would come through and make it all okay.
Now, sitting on the bench alone, she thought about it over and over. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe it had made things worse. She imagined her mum walking into the kitchen, or the study, to find him waiting. His face pale. His jaw tight. Another argument.
Dee hugged her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them. A mallard duck drifted past, its green head glossy and slick from a quick cooling dunk. She wanted everything to go back to how it was. Before the whispers. Before the emails. When Molly was a permanent fixture and not someone about to make her escape. When Shane made pancakes on Saturdays and tickled her until she couldn’t breathe. When her mum looked so happy it lit up her face. She couldn’t lose them. Either of them, so she’d do whatever it took. Even if that meant keeping secrets.
Chapter Fifteen
The kitchen was filled with late afternoon sunshine that highlighted the intricate grain of the long oak table that had served a thousand family meals and witnessed just as many arguments. The air carried the faint scent of basil from the pot on the windowsill and the comforting aroma of Magda’s freshly baked apple cake, still cooling on a wire rack.
