‘She’s planning all sorts of Halloween activities for the kids this weekend. Literally can’t wait to see them tomorrow. Dad’s excited too. He’s such a big kid at heart. Do you want a brew? I’m going to have one.’
‘No thanks, I’m good.’ Gina continued to stare at the television, unable to meet his lying eyes.
Over-compensating, that’s what he was doing because her paranoia whispered that he’d really been with Bella. The thought made Gina want to throw up. In fact she couldn’t bear being in the room with him a second longer and for a terrifying moment almost screamed out that he should shut the fuck up and stop lying and being a fake and that she knew he was a cheat.
It was only the thought of Max and Mimi upstairs that helped her swallow down the words and the howl of despair lodged in her throat.
‘I’m going for a soak. My back’s aching and I’ve got period pains.’ She wasn’t even on her period and the quizzical look Jimmy gave her hinted that he thought the same, but she ignored himandhis offer to run a bath for her. Instead she made her way upstairs, feeling his eyes watching her take each step. She knew he knew she knew. Gina could sense it.
Closing the door behind her, she turned on the taps and sat on the side of the bath, watching as it filled, and as she did, a thought occurred. The sleepover had been planned for a couple of weeks, and in all that time, knowing they’d have a full kid-free weekend, Jimmy hadn’t suggested they do something fun and make the most of the time.
And it was half-term the following week and nothing had been mentioned about days out with Max and Mimi, or even a little getaway like he usually did. In fairness, she hadn’t mentioned it either but that was because her head was a mess and anyway she didn’t feel like being fair. He didn’t deserve it.
Bath bomb. Gina opened the cabinet and searched for one and remembered they were downstairs, in the utility room where she left them when they arrived. She wanted to see the fizz and watch the colours explode and for the scent to tickle her nose. Christ, she needed cheering up and if a bath bomb was all it took… so rather than spoil her soak, she turned off the taps and opened the door, intending to make a quick dash downstairs to grab the box and avoid Jimmy.
She’d reached the bottom step when she heard his voice, he was in the lounge, the door shut, and he was speaking quietly. Seconds later her ear was pushed against the wood, listening.
‘She seemed okay when I got in, a bit quiet I suppose… no, no, she didn’t ask where I’d been.’
Gina’s gut churned.
‘I feel awful though, like it’s prolonging the agony and I should just tell her now…’ Someone had interrupted him, he was silent then continued. ‘Yeah, you’re right. One more night won’t hurt, and like you say, we don’t know how she’s going to react when I tell her, so it’s best the kids aren’t around, just in case.’
Gina’s hand flew to her mouth, her eyes scrunched shut, as if smothering sight and sound would also block out the truth. There was a period of quiet while the person at the other end of the call, and Gina knew exactly who that was, spoke.
And then Jimmy. ‘School’s shut tomorrow, something to do with the boiler being repaired so Max is off and I’m taking the kids to my mum’s after breakfast and then when I get back, I’ll tell her. All being well we can leave straight after so should be on the road by midday.’
Oh dear God, no. He was leaving her. He was really going to end it.
Gina could barely stand but she had to listen to it all. Hear as much of her fate as she could and then just like him, she could prepare.
‘No, don’t worry, I’ll mention that, too. It needs saying and she’s going to have to face up to it… No, I won’t let her persuade me… yes, I promise I’ll make her understand.’
Gina was in actual physical pain. Her chest was so tight she could hardly breathe and every bone and sinew in her body was rigid as Jimmy hammered the last nail into their marriage.
‘I’ll let you know how it goes as soon as I can, so try not to worry, okay. Look, I need to go…’
By the time Jimmy had ended his call, and Gina heard the lounge door open and close, followed by tuneless humming and the click of the kettle, she had collapsed in a heap at the top of the stairs.
From there she somehow managed to stand and on legs like jelly she staggered to their bedroom. After peeling off her clothes, down to her bra and knickers she dragged back the duvet and folded her trembling body into bed. Eyes staring at the window, out beyond the glass, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, feeling nothing.
There was only one thought inside her head, that repeated over and over and over, stating the obvious and demanding an answer.
This is my last night with Jimmy. He’s going to leave me. How can I stop him?
And there she lay. Time running out. Only hours until Jimmy said goodbye.
While the bedside clock marked the longest minutes ever. As later, she felt Jimmy slide into bed and lie silently in the dark so close, yet a million miles away, Gina wondered what was going through his mind.
The urge to slide her hand across the sheets was immense. The desperation that consumed her, the need to connect with him one last time in any way he desired, was nowhere near as powerful as her pride that forbade it. Pride told her to get up and sleep in the spare room. Weakness made her stay.
Soon his breathing relaxed into the pattern of sleep, and while she listened, Gina marvelled at his ability to leave tomorrow in the hands of his conscience. She despised him for it too. For everything. For what he was about to do to their family. For whom he was going to leave them for.
Gina wasn’t sure which of these killed her the most because that’s what he was doing, second by agonising second. Death, right at that moment seemed the easiest of options because checking out would save her so much pain. No fallout to deal with. That was what she dreaded the most. The after. Once he’d said the words.
It was all going wrong. Again.
And it was so unfair. All of it. To feel such despair that she’d even consider leaving behind her children. No. NO. That was so wrong. Sick, appalling. She wasn’t the one that should die, be taken from their equation.
