‘I suppose I’ll have to. But I can’t bear the thought of listening to another one of his pompous rants and no matter what he’s done, I wouldn’t wish the wrath of Edmund on Nate. I’ll deal with it when he comes back but he’ll have to leave. He can’t stay here, not now I know.’
‘I think you’re right, love. Nobody needs a big drama and shouting match so maybe if you just have a sit down, adult conversation with him you can come to some arrangement. He could still come and visit Willow, couldn’t he? And she probably won’t even realise he’s gone.’ Babs gave Robin a reassuring smile and her words had made a lot of sense.
Gina didn’t sound so convinced. ‘But we’d have to lie to her, and I don’t think I could do that. Pretending Nate is still here seems even more cruel than her knowing the truth.’
Robin focused her attention on Gina who looked on the verge of tears. ‘Gina, you know as well as I do that for much of the time Willow doesn’t even know what day it is, let alone who’s in the house. She has no concept of time and hours, and weeks can go by. What would be the point in trying to explain to her that Nate has left? I also think if she grasped it, it might cause a reaction that none of us want to see or deal with.’
Gina nodded but didn’t reply, instead she wiped away her tears.
Babs leant across and gave Gina’s hand a gentle pat, before turning to face Robin.
‘Can I ask you a question? It’s something I’ve wanted to broach for a while but there never seemed to be the right time but seeing as we’re having a proper heart-to-heart, I hope you don’t mind. It’s a bit personal.’
Robin could only stare, curious and a tad nervous about what the soul-searching question might be. A slight nod gave Babs permission to ask away.
‘What about you? Are you happy? And forgive me, I don’t mean with Edmund because you’ve made it perfectly clear over the past few years how you feel about him… I mean with your life in general.’
Robin couldn’t speak, simply because she didn’t know, and that shocked her. To have no true concept or opinion of her own state of happiness. Where she was on the smiley scale. Her silence only encouraged Babs to embellish.
‘The thing is, Robin, you dedicate yourself to Willow, day in, day out and I know you have your little jollies to see your friend Francesca now and then, but if Nate goes, that leaves you as sole carer and from where I’m sitting, it could mean putting the rest of your life on hold. Are you content with that? Living here with Edmund in limbo?’
Defence, that was the word that first sprang to mind, and Robin came out fighting. ‘Willow could improve, one day she could live as a fully functioning adult. It’s early days and there are so many new drugs in trial and therapies too, that we haven’t even tried yet so don’t write her off, Babs. That’s what Edmund has done and from the looks of things, Nate, too.’
‘Love, I know this, and I hope with all my heart that the doctors will get her better and she comes back to us. Our Willow is in there somewhere and tonight I saw a glimmer of what could be. I’m just worried that in the meantime you’re going to burn yourself out and have nothing left for you.’
The anger had abated somewhat, and Robin reminded herself that Babs meant well, her question was fair so sought to reassure rather than take offence.
‘Perhaps Nate going is a watershed and it’ll force me to take a look at our situation differently. Maybe I can search for some alternative therapies and ask the team if she can go on one of the drugs trials. But as for my dedication to her, that’s non-negotiable and I’ll put her before myself always. It’s my duty as a mother and whether it’s right or wrong, that’s how it will be.’
Robin watched as Babs nodded her understanding, but there was one more thing she had to say.
‘I get what you are saying, Babs, and I know it comes from a good place because like you said earlier, you put your three children first but now, it’s not enough. The good thing is you really are free to go and if you do, I want you to be happy.
‘And I understand why Gina wants to stay for Max and Mimi and would sacrifice her happiness for them, even if it means turning a blind eye to what Jimmy may or may not be up to.’
She gave Gina a smile that she hoped conveyed many things, most of all solidarity.
‘I used to imagine that I might catch Edmund having an affair with someone, anyone would do, preferably the bishop because that would have made me so bloody happy for the most perverse reasons.’
This was followed by titters and lifted the mood slightly.
‘But if I was ever going to leave my unhappy marriage then it had to be on my terms, for my reasons and not as a result of Edmund’s fall from grace. Like you, Babs, I stayed, got on with it. I know I missed my windows of opportunity, and I cannot tell you how I regret that for so many reasons…’
It was there again, that dreadful thought, like a portent, that whispered ‘It’s your fault. Cris would have been much happier away from his bigoted father. You’d never have gone into town…’
‘But I can’t change the past, or the one thing that also held me back.’
‘What was that?’ Babs asked.
‘My faith.’
Gina’s head flicked up. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean that in the most perverse way, the thing that made me who I am, was at the core of my whole life and filled me with great joy and peace, has trapped me. My faith, in a way, has kept me prisoner here.’
Gina frowned. ‘I don’t understand, how?’
It was so hard to put into words that wouldn’t sound like an excuse. Even though it probably was. ‘No matter how unhappy I was, I couldn’t condone breaking my marriage vows because divorce was, is, just something I wouldn’t contemplate especially when my parents were alive. It would’ve horrified them, my father in particular and you know what,’ she looked from one to the other, ‘I think I was hiding behind it. Making an excuse because I hadn’t the gumption to leave. And that makes me so angry with myself.’
