Everyone thought she was weak, but she wasn’t. Gina knew how to take control, and proving her point, she never let her food-thing go so far it’d be a detriment to the children. See, that took strength.
The hidden stash of laxatives waiting silently in the spare room were her equivalent of diazepam. Just having them there, resisting their allure, was a feat in itself. Gina allowed herself only one dose to purge her body of every last ounce of poisonous food from her system, the process cleansing her mind, allowing it to focus on banishing the hunger pains.
Control and strength also came in the form of resistance. Fighting the urge to call her mother and build bridges. See if she’d changed, let her back in her life, see if Debbie wanted Gina in hers. But Gina had erected solid boundaries around her heart and was confident that giving even an inch would herald disaster. So instead of giving in to such urges, the sentimentality that had crippled her during the baby-blues, she overcame them. That was how tough Gina could be.
And then another thought surfaced. What if the end of lockdown was a turning point, the perfect time to change, act. Like the crest on her school blazer had reminded them every morning –Carpe Diem, seize the day.
Not just for Gina, either. For everyone. People like Robin, too. What if it was time to set her free. Tell her the truth, rip off the plaster, then open the doors of her cage and let her fly away. But where would she go, and who to?
Robin had made her life in Little Buddington so who was Gina to take a hammer and smash another woman’s world to pieces. Robin was devoted to Willow and would never leave her. And to her marriage vows that she wouldn’t break no matter how vile Eddie was.
He’d been responsible for so many down points in Robin’s life. The way he’d shunned Tom and Cris and forbidden Willow to follow her vocation and then the things he said when she tried to… Gina couldn’t think about all that, what happened. It made her so sad.
Focusing her attention back to Robin, Gina thought back to one Saturday morning, when she and Willow were helping dress the pews for a wedding. She and Willow had playacted walking down the aisle and even though they were having fun, two silly girls getting giddy, Robin had stopped what she was doing and ruined the moment. It was so out of character that it stuck in Gina’s mind.
She stopped sweeping the stray buds and leaves from the aisle, a hint of melancholy in her voice. ‘It’s all well and good joking, but when it’s your time to walk down the aisle, think very carefully about the words you’re about to say before God, because if you don’t believe in them one hundred per cent, or that you’ll be able to keep them, don’t even step through the church door. If you do… well, you’ll have to live with the consequences in more ways than one.’
At the time, Gina and Willow just looked at each other, both a bit disconcerted by the sombre turn of events and while Willow rolled her eyes, Gina was glad when they were interrupted by the arrival of Mrs Hopper.
Gina always thought Robin meant they should take the day seriously, that it wasn’t just an excuse to wear a beautiful white dress and have a party. But in the light of recent events with Bella and further back, Eddie and her mum, even Cris and Tom, she wasn’t so sure.
Was Robin thinking out loud? Even though she’d made her solemn promise, what if it bound her to Edmund and deep down, she wished she could escape? Gina resolved to do a bit of digging the next time she saw Robin, see if she gave away any clues. Or she could ask Babs but without giving anything away.
The last thing Gina needed was Babs having ammunition to shoot dirty Eddie with. No, it had to be subtle. Babs didn’t do subtle, not really. At least she was one person Gina didn’t have to worry about because Babs was fine, thriving in fact. Still moaning about her lot but that was her way because she loved them all to bits.
Babs really was the perfect mother, everyone’s rock, even Gina’s. A role model if ever there was one.
* * *
Gina’s ponderings were interrupted when she was brought back to the present by Jimmy who’d given her a quick nudge. ‘Penny for them. You were miles away and you look cross… so come on, what have I done this time?’
She turned on her side to face him and he followed suit, their voices lowered so as not to wake the sleeping monsters inside the tent. ‘You’ve not done anything, not yet, well, as far as I know.’
That little nugget escaped Gina’s brain via her lips and seeing Jimmy’s raised eyebrow she hurriedly explained. ‘I was thinking about the past, Robin and Willow and that business with Cris and Tom, and how horrid Edmund is, and why Robin never left him. If you’re really unhappy with someone you’d just go, wouldn’t you? Like Don did when he caught Debbie. And surely, you’d be able to tell if your husband or wife fancied someone else. I don’t know how I’d cope if I was in their shoes.’
Once the words were out she couldn’t take them back or ignore the bemused look on Jimmy’s face.
‘Flipping heck, and there’s me watching for shooting stars so I could make a wish and you’re raking up bad history. Whydoyou do that Gina? Worry about the past, stuff that won’t happen or happening to someone else. And I wish you’d stop letting the past drag you down. You have to believe in yourself instead of striving to be the opposite of your mum. You’re not her and never will be. You can do or be anything you want. An independent, successful, confident woman if only you’d give yourself a chance.’
It was the last line that had Gina’s hackles rising and the whiff of suspicion swirled around the garden like early morning mist. Why had Jimmy changed his tune? Weeks before he’d been happy with her domestic goddess status. So why was he pushing her to be independent? What had altered? Was he preparing her for the future, one where she’d have to manage without him?
It made perfect sense. The little ventures he concocted for her, having faith in her abilities when actually, he was laying the ground so she wouldn’t be a burden. A gin-soaked social security scrounger with bad nerves. He didn’t want to be forking out shedloads of money to his clingy ex-wife.
Gina’s mind was on a roll, like one of those big cheeses they chucked down a hill and her insecurity was running like the clappers behind it. She was angry now but losing her temper wouldn’t get to the truth. Resisting the urge to stomp inside, Gina forced a passive reply, while aggression pulsed through her core.
‘I’m sorry, love. It’s my default setting and you know what I’m like when things change and, let’s face it, everything’s going to alter next week. Max is back at school, you’ll be out more, the world around us will start turning again. I’ve got used to it, being the four of us.’
‘But surely you’ve missed seeing people, like Babs and your mum’s-world friends, and Willow. Now the rules are relaxing you’ll get to see other faces, not just this rather handsome and totally irresistible one…’ He gave her one of his cheeky winks and stroked her arm as he spoke. ‘So please don’t have a wobble, Gina, because that’ll spoil all the fun we’ve had and how happy you’ve been. Nothing major is going to change. I’ll still work from home, but I also need to get back on site when building starts again.’
‘And what about me?’
‘What about you?’ Jimmy looked confused and that irritated Gina. Everyone, including him was about to get things moving, picking up where they left off and that’s what pissed her off the most. Who he might be picking things up with.
She couldn’t show her hand though, so bluffed, kind of. ‘Because I’m stuck in a groove, and I don’t know how to get out. Whether to do the right thing for us, the kids, me. Will anyone be hiring right now? Boris wants everyone to work from home if they can… and the LAST thing I want is to catch the virus; and what about you? We’ve all stayed safe and now you’ll be off gallivanting all over the show…’
‘Gina. STOP!’
He paused, gave her the look he used when she worked herself into a tizzy about poo stains on the carpet or squashed, disgusting things down the back of the sofa and with the monsters, there’d been plenty over the years.
